- Of the 50,000 people I've surveyed around the world,
one in three people tell me they've committed infidelity
at some point in their lives.
And so, a very common situation people find themselves in
is should they confess that secret
to their romantic partner?
And it's perhaps the hardest version of this question of:
'Should I confess my secret to the person
I'm keeping it from?'
The reason for confessing it, of course,
is you wanna be honest
and you want to not hide something,
something so big from your partner.
But of course, the risk is you're worried
about damaging the relationship,
and so what should you do if you're in this situation?
The first thing you wanna ask yourself is:
Why are you tempted to reveal this to the other person?
Is it you just want to get the secret off your chest?
Is it that you just wanna make yourself feel better?
The risk of course, is that maybe revealing that secret
does make you feel better,
but it could make your partner feel a whole lot worse.
So what do you do with that?
It's one of the most difficult questions
you might encounter in a relationship,
and the consequences can be huge for what you decide.
But if it was a one-time thing,
what would your partner want in this situation?
Would they wanna know about this?
I asked 300 people this very question,
and 77% of people said they would wanna know.
The good news is if you're dealing with this decision,
you don't have to decide it on your own.
Talk to someone else about it,
and they can help you navigate
this incredibly difficult decision.
So when you reveal a secret
to the person you're keeping it from,
this is what I call 'confession,'
but when you reveal a secret
to someone you're not specifically keeping it from,
this is 'confiding.'
And confiding a secret is like eating your cake
and having it too.
You get to have it remain a secret
while still getting help and advice.
So who should you choose as a confidant?
Who can you trust to keep your secret safe?
We've done research on this
where we've asked thousands of people
what benefits they got from revealing a secret,
and who people like to reveal a secret to.
Revealing a secret to someone
who you judge as compassionate, empathic,
caring, non-judgmental, and kind,
those people are really helpful.
Also, you want to choose someone who will not be scandalized
by what you're telling them.
If someone finds what you're telling them
to be really morally objectionable
because they just have a really different sense
of morality than you do,
that's not the right person to choose.
If someone is really overly concerned with norms and rules,
that might not be the best person to confide in.
And if someone's a talkative, social butterfly,
that might also not be your best case
because those individuals are known to be so excited
that they might accidentally reveal the secret
to someone they're not supposed to.
And then finally, when you're choosing your confidant,
ask yourself:
'Are you entangling them into the problem?'
Are they now gonna have to conceal this secret
from people you both know?
'Cause now you're gonna be asking this person
to keep a secret.
While they'll understand the act of intimacy
that you're placing in them when you trust them,
they could become really burdened by your secret too,
and as much as you can, you want to avoid that.
And if you're thinking, "I don't know any people
with any of these qualities,"
you could reveal it to a total stranger
who would have no risk
of getting the secret back
to the people you don't want to know the secret.
And so, for example,
you could reveal the secret to a bartender.
You could reveal the secret to a cab driver.
We find the average experience people have
with revealing a secret is one they find to be very helpful.
And so if you're trying to figure out
whether this is a secret
that you should reveal to your partner,
talk to someone else about it
because confiding is this great stepping stone to figure out
what is the next step you're gonna take after that.
And if you're trying to decide
whether someone is the right person to confide in,
I would ask yourself these three questions:
Is this someone you can trust to keep this secret?
Is this someone you could trust
to help you work through the secret?
And by revealing the secret to this person,
are you making their lives more difficult?
So finding someone else to talk about that secret with
and choosing the right person
can make the world of difference.
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