hello welcome back my body language
buddies today in episode 42 the big
question is
why is such a bad idea to go back to
your ex
but maybe just maybe it could work for
benny for part two
and to solve this riddle we will
understand the reasons why they broke up
in the first place
how was their chemistry back then and
how 17 years
two marriages and five children between
them later
could make the difference remember that
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language tips in a free pdf that you can
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any of my body language episodes and
tips my name is jesus enrique rosas i'm
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and together we'll uncover the secrets
that people try to hide from us
[Music]
just weeks after breaking up with a-rod
jennifer lopez and ben affleck were seen
in beverly hills and heading out to
montana
there's rumors and gossip if this is
just being friends or are they planning
to go back together
of course the first question that comes
to mind is why did they broke up in the
first place
and even if this might seem like an
invasion of their privacy since
they have the right to not disclose
anything about what happened
it's relevant so we can learn about both
body language clues and especially
behavior patterns that could help us
make better decisions
in our own relationships the story
started with the movie
gidley a romantic comedy that intended
to capitalize the rising popularity of
both of them
even the director of the scent of a
woman wasn't born
but little did they know that the very
same movie that brought them together
would also ironically be the biggest
reason that their relationship fell
apart back in 2002 they were one of the
biggest a
list power couples and the tabloids just
couldn't get enough of them
he was an oscar-winning screenwriter and
actor and she was an established
entertainer as a talented dancer singer
and actress
when you watched the interview of
jennifer talking about their engagement
you can get a few body language signals
so is ben the one
[Laughter]
getting married are you getting married
um
[Music]
the cameras are on can we talk later
i want to talk later she looks a bit
ashamed she doesn't really want to talk
much about the topic and
it's obvious that she wanted to go
slower in with the media
even if she was comfortable talking to
diane sawyer now jen had been married
twice before but it's clear that she
wanted this time to be
special look the way she talks about the
wedding plans
we want to do it but
there's there's no rush at the same time
it's something that we would like to do
as soon as possible but
we'll take our time and we'll plan it
right and we'll do it where it's
good for all of our families and you
know or it'll be a really
big celebration because you know
i just want to do it right so there was
some anxiety about it
she wanted to marry in a church this
time and her facial expressions
confirmed that she wanted this to be a
great
celebration with her family this means
that she really believed that men was
the one also look at the way she looks
down and presses her lips while saying
that she wants to do it right this time
that's a signal of being really
important to her
now that engagement official period was
so fast and they both were so busy
that it was not easy to find videos
together but this one
stands out yeah i'm very happy and she's
great and as all you can see
um what an incredible wonderful talent
and what a wonderful woman in person so
um
i was just here as a fan and very
excited and i had a wonderful time so
what are the future plans when are you
two getting hit
we don't know yet i'm sure we'll do it
on the today show however i promise
i'm gonna hold you to that he flatters
her he wants people to understand that
he's her biggest fan and she feels
really great about it
she's also a bit restless showing
excitement of being there with him and
talking about the plans
again when they are asked about a date
she talks the first and says there's no
date yet
that's another signal that she wanted to
do things slowly and the right way
ben just jokes and evades the question
he also wants to remain private
one of the reasons there was so much
coverage from the table is that the
media had already
made up their mind about them remember
that diane sawyer interview
well listen how she introduced them
but can this really be after all they're
completely different people
or so it seems she the racy impetuous
pop star with that flashy ex-boyfriend
not to mention two marriages he the
towering actor who romanced an uptown
goddess
the brainy guy who grew up in the
working-class part of boston
affleck and lopez that's the way they
were painted and notice how she stressed
the fact about their prior relationships
by the way i can't imagine what could
have happened if pop daddy got engaged
with gwyneth paltrow
what will their couple nickname be
puffnet paltry
witty that's how we have a clue why the
media was so brutal with them picking
them apart and following their every
move
and not in a good way that was a lot of
pressure
there's another interesting video of ben
on january 2003
there was his show with jon favreau
where he invited actors and directors to
have dinner and talk about movies and
the industry
and this time he had invited his
co-stars from the movie dirty bill
and it included both jennifer garner and
ben affleck
now i'm sure you already know that ben
and jennifer got married two years later
but at that time
she was still married to scott foley and
ben was engaged with jlo
even so it's interesting to watch her
attitude towards ben
for example one point he's talking about
having a big forehead and she slaps
herself
in the head as saying hey i have a big
forehead too
and smiles broadly at him also she shows
signals that are not always flirting but
as usual
body language reading requires that you
add or subtract clues to reach a
conclusion and in this case
it's clear that she was glad of being
there with him at one moment jennifer is
thankful of not having had to go through
auditions to get the role of elektra in
that movie
and that was mainly because of ben and
you can see her sparkling eyes her
tilted head
and she was really thankful for that
opportunity
but the best image of all is when ben is
telling the story about him and matt
damon going to the oscars
you spotting jennifer an absolutely
genuine look of liking someone
of being we could say attracted to him
not to mention the time she used her
hands to present her face
all those are signals of attraction that
usually get unnoticed and yes
ben didn't reply with any clue that he
was getting her message
and this is something that happens a lot
that we
men don't get the signals that women
give away when they like us and in turn
women would like men to be more direct
about what we feel
jelly was premiere in july and their
wedding was scheduled for september
sadly the movie was a total mess and i'm
not a screenplay
specialist but i think the main problem
is that the producers were
not sure about who was the target
audience and that's another case
study for human behavior like this is a
romantic comedy that appeals to female
audiences but at the same time the plot
wants to be serious and sardonic
the atmosphere was a mix of everything
and jayla's clout did not work because
her fans were mostly young girls
and both the rating and the screenplay
did not help
the media absolutely destroyed them
especially
ben and jennifer it was a huge blowout
to their careers and really difficult to
recover from
but it's not like a movie flop is going
to harm a couple's relationship right
like brad pitt and angelina jolie in by
the sea
no wait bad example but you get idea
they have already shared the screen on a
second flick
jersey girl it had been filmed but
hadn't been released yet
even if his jlo was not the protagonist
her character was fundamental to the
plot
i'm sure you'll notice that despite all
the previous publicity about them being
another movie
there's something missing from the movie
poster i always mention that being an
artist in a so competitive industry like
hollywood draws a huge amount of
pressure and stress
and given all the effort and time
invested in any production
it can create a dominant effect in later
contracts
basically one flop can lead to another
and by a chain reaction the industry
deletes you like brendan fraser
they were attacked not only
professionally but personally and i
wouldn't be surprised that even got to
the point of thinking
hey this didn't work professionally what
if it doesn't work sentimentally too
that's something that can eat in your
self-worth
and your perception as a couple that
second guessing of the relationship and
the fact that they had absolutely no
chance of slowing down with their
projects and contracts
was the tip of the iceberg that's why
they called it quits at the start of
2004.
the pressure of the media over the
relationship subsided and it gave them
enough room to breathe
jlo ended up marrying her longtime
friend mark anthony and
ben got married to jennifer garner now
all this could sound like show business
drama but it's a great lesson that we
can apply to ourselves
in the way that we look at ourselves as
professionals and sentimental partners
failure in any area of our lives always
scripts into other departments
it's extremely hard to compartmentalize
and it gets exponentially harder
if you're under tight public scrutiny
and have the responsibility to deliver
no matter what that's why one of the
most important exercises of self-worth
is to constantly remind you that your
professional performance
it's not related to your inner value you
can see for example
in this clip from the graham norton show
in 2010 that jennifer
still finds his heart to talk about the
berniefur thing
honestly you know i've never really
talked about it before and
you know i love ben he's a great guy but
it was a lot for both of us to be under
that type of uh
siege for two years straight it was like
we're on the cover of every magazine
every week and
it was just i don't know it was just a
weird thing that you know
media catches on to certain things and
they just go crazy with it and that just
happened to be one of the things and
there's some head nodding as she's
trying to elicit a response of nodding
in those around her
to look for some empathy about what
she's saying
she fiddles with her fingers which is a
common gesture of nervousness and
also she points at the media for all the
benny from fallout but at the same time
makes it clear that she can't blame it
on the media
because it's been also a means to her
success so you can see that years down
the road she still had a dissonance of
what could have been
it was a bit harder to find examples of
ben talking about his relationship with
jennifer
and i guess that as he always says
pretty much the same about her
then maybe he warns interviewers about
not touching the subject
it's like you ask him hey ben are you
dating jlo again
do you play it oh no well
never mind what does she say every time
she is an amazing woman and impressive
professional and he could
never stand the way that the media
depicted her
in the relationship like the diane
sawyer descriptions
that's something that upset him a lot
more recently he gave this interview
where he says he's glad to know that
after all these years she has won the
recognition and the status she deserved
for
all her hard work even back in those
benefit days he wanted to make it
absolutely clear
and he paid advertisements in the media
just to publish an open letter to the
public
praising her as a professional and as a
human being
so through the years it has been the
same narrative from ben's side
respecting and admiring her
now not every breakup is friendly and
most of them are just
messy when it comes to breaking up and
making it stick
the absolute best action is the no
contact rule
you don't call text or message and acts
in any way after the breakup
it includes not talking to their friends
or family about them
or the breakout itself every breakup
instills brief but the no contact rule
can help you transform it
which is what you want to do yes it can
be really really hard to block your ex
phone number snapchat
instagram along with every relative or
friend but it's worth
it taking the hard first step of going
no contact can help you get over a
breakup faster than if you let it
eventually spill
into the tricky where friends or worse
yet
friends were benefits category if you
don't give yourselves a space to
understand what happened
you will just be repeating the same
dysfunctional patterns that originally
led to
break up there is no set timeline do it
for as long as you need to heal
completely
now why do i think that ben and jennifer
going by
could work this time well 17 years and
growing their families can be a huge
step
towards emotional maturity it also helps
you have a better understanding of what
do you want in your life and who do you
want to spend your life with
one of the strongest reasons the
original split back in 2004 was the
media
but since then they both have remained
current in the top of mind of show
business
even with social media scrutiny that's
no easy
fit it's logical that they have
developed thicker skin and most probably
just to be sure
they might not be collaborating in
professional endeavors
and that's fine i think that this time
could work because they're in a vastly
different time of their lives and their
original breakup
was due mostly to external pressure also
friends like matt damon are happy to see
them together so that helps a lot too
having said that there needs to be a
warning about this being the exception
to a very important rule about getting
back to your
ex people don't change from one week to
another or even one year to another
it's extremely easy to repeat the same
behaviors because you feel
safe in a relationship just because
you're used to be
with that person there is no general
rule for example there's kate and
william that broke up and came back
together two months later
coming back together was no easy
decision and so far it seems that it was
the right one
but not without all the pain of a public
breakup
by the way i'll be doing an episode on
that two month breakup to analyze
why it worked no matter what the most
important thing during those times is
keep your body active and your mind busy
that is something that will help you
process your feelings better and be able
to assess
what really happened one more thing just
do me one favor though
[Music]
as far as the uh lesbian thing goes
yeah if you do ever think about hop in
the fence
probably should give me a call first
[Music]
remember that i've got a gift for you my
100 body language tips in a single free
pdf that you can download
right in the description and don't
forget to subscribe if you don't want to
miss
any of my body language episodes and
tips see you next time