- I was sexually abused when I was five.
Then my brother went to prison when I was eight.
So for me this was hard to
grow up in a small town
without many friends,
feeling abused already from the sexual abuse that I faced,
and just feeling disconnected, in general,
from my family, and from my friends, and the world.
It made me very defensive.
It made me want to get as big and as strong
and as fast as possible,
and successful as possible
because the more I achieved,
the more I felt like a worthy man.
The bigger I got, the stronger I got,
the more I felt like no one could ever hurt me again.
This darkness that I was feeling from all the pain
and disconnection as a child,
I put it into sports and said,
"I'm gonna master this,
"and I'm gonna be the best that I can be."
Now it drove me to be great
at my sports.
I was at a two-sport All-American,
I was All-State in all three sports.
I played professional football.
- [Sports Announcer] Quick pass by Colston has Howes
and he's wide open down the middle!
Lewis Howse, first and 10, son!
And Lewis Howse takes it to the house
for a touchdown!
Howse!
- But it left me with this deep sense of unfulfillment
and darkness inside
because I was doing it all for the wrong reasons.
This is where more pain and disconnection was created.
I would achieve at the highest levels
feeling smaller and smaller inside.
I started to get really nasty and aggressive.
In a lot of instances,
I would take this aggression out on the basketball courts.
So every few days I would go play pick-up basketball
until one day I was in a basketball game,
it was a heated game,
I was guarding a guy who was much bigger than me
and older than me.
We were both aggressive,
fouling each other,
blocking each other,
holding each other,
just talking trash,
and then it got down to the final point.
It was game point for both teams.
He had the ball down and he was about to score a layup,
so I grab his arm and foul him so he doesn't score.
All of a sudden, he turns around and head butts me,
and I see stars.
I couldn't hold back anymore.
I literally pummeled this person to the ground.
I had him in a headlock,
I was punching him in his face
until someone got us up and got me off of him.
I saw this huge gash of blood coming out of his face.
I remember just shaking and trembling in that moment
thinking to myself,
"What have I done?"
I was terrified.
I ran back to my place.
I was just looking in the mirror shaking
thinking like, "Who are you?
"Why are you doing this?
"Why are you so upset?
"Why are you getting so mad
"to want to actually physically hit someone?"
I remember just feeling so ashamed,
and so upset with myself,
and so mad that I allowed my anger to get the best of me.
If I could go back and talk to my younger self,
I would say,
"Don't be so hard on yourself."
All of the self-doubt comes from not feeling loved
and connected to by other human beings.
So the fear comes back from,
"If I go after this dream,
"are people going to accept me as a human being?
"Am I gonna be pushed away to the side?
"Am I gonna be excepted or not?"
We look at ourselves and say,
"I'd rather have friends and feel love
"than go chase the thing I was born to do."
That's, I think, the biggest mistake human beings make.
I'd rather have zero friends
and chase what I love
than live an average life
and have all the friends in the world.
What I'd rather say,
"You know what, I went for it.
"I was fully used up as a human being.
"I chased everything my heart desired."
Whether I achieved it or not,
at least I went for it.
That's what I want to be like,
focused on letting go of the things that hold you back.
Focus on letting go of the mindset that holds you back
on the stories you tell yourself that hold you back,
on the people that hold you back,
on the experiences you've had that hold you back.
Let
them
go
and start focusing on what's going to move you forward,
towards that dream you have inside of yourself.
The dream will guide
your direction.
It will put you on the right path.
When you do or follow something that isn't your dream,
you will always be
on the wrong path.
So listen to the heart.
Lean
into the dream.
(triumphant music)