>>> CATS. A CAT IS A FRIEND WITH FUR.
>> A CAT IS A PILLOW THAT HUGS YOU BACK.
>> CATS ARE THE CROUTONS ON THE SALAD OF LIFE.
>> A CAT IS AN ANGEL THAT POOPS IN A BOX.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> SO COME ON DOWN FOR OUR
THANKSGIVING CAT-UCOPIA GIVE-AWAY HERE AT WHISKERS "R"
WE. >> HI I'M BARBARA.
>> AND I'M FURONICA. LIKE VERONICA BUT HOW A CAT
WOULD SAY IT. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU ARE LOCA, MUCHACHA. MANY OF THESE RESCUE CATS COME
FROM OWNERS WHO DIDN'T VALUE THEIR SPECIALNESS.
>> SO LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT TODAY'S FELINA.
[ MEOWING ] >> ALAN IS A HIMALAYAN.
AND YOU CAN FIND HIM A-LAYING ON THE COUCH.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> YOU SHOULD DO STANDUP.
YOU'RE A REGULAR KAT WILLIAMS. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> FOR YOU "AMERICAN IDOL" FANS, WE CALL THIS CAT SIMON COWELL.
BECAUSE HE'S A GRUMPY BRITISH SHORTHAIR AND HE KNOCKED UP HIS
BEST FRIEND'S WIFE. [ LAUGHTER ]
THE HEART WANTS WHAT IT WANTS. [ LAUGHTER ]
HANDS TO OURSELVES, PLEASE. WE ARE ON CAMERA.
[ LAUGHTER ] OH, BOY.
THIS IS CASSANDRA. CASSANDRA KIND OF FLIPS THE
SCRIPT ON YOU, MEANING, WHEN SHE FARTS, IT SOUNDS HUMAN AND
YOU'LL GET BLAMED. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> FARTS ARE FUNNY. >> HOW OLD ARE YOU AGAIN?
>> I DON'T KNOW. [ LAUGHTER ]
WE LOST TRACK OF TIME IN THE BUNKER.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> AI-YI-YI, I DO HAVE A TYPE.
OKAY. WHERE ARE WE?
THIS ONE IS KARL. >> WE'RE MAD AT KARL RIGHT NOW
BECAUSE HE'S BEEN VERY NAUGHTY. HE CLAWED UP MY SOFA AND THEN HE
VOTED FOR JILL STEIN. [ LAUGHTER ]
HE'S A LITTLE ASSWIPE. [ LAUGHTER ]
HE DESERVES A PINCH. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> THAT IS MY NIPPLE AND I THINK YOU KNOW THAT.
[ LAUGHTER ] I THINK I KNOW YOU LIKE IT.
>> OH, BOY. [ LAUGHTER ]
THIS IS BUTTER NUT. BUTTER NUT --
BUTTER NUT IS A MASTER OF PSYCHOLOGICAL MANIPULATION.
[ LAUGHTER ] WHO SPECIALIZES IN GAS LIGHTING.
>> DOES HE EVER. HE CONVINCED ME I WAS THE CAT.
IT STARTED WITH AN INNOCENT SUGGESTION, CUT TO TWO MONTHS
LATER AND I'M EATING TUNA AND LICKING MY OWN BUTTHOLE.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> AKA THE GREATEST WEEK OF MY
LIFE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> KEEP IT IN YOUR JORTS GF. OKAY.
THIS IS PEARL. PEARL IS WHITE AS A GHOST
BECAUSE SHE IS ONE. [ LAUGHTER ]
SHE DIED IN THE 1940s. BUT SHE'S STICKING AROUND
BECAUSE SHE HAS UNFINISHED BUSINESS.
[ LAUGHTER ] IF SHE APPEARS IN YOUR MIRROR,
IT'S OVER. [ LAUGHTER ]
THIS IS DIZZY. DIZZY IS INTO S AND M.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> SAUCERS OF MILK.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> AND ALSO PEEING ON HER
PARTNER DURING SEX. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> THIS LAST CAT IS NAMED MR. MAJESTICAL.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
"CATS" THE MUSICAL IS BACK AND IN THE TIMELESS WORDS OF
ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER, THIS GUY'S NOT PART OF IT, HE'S JUST A
CRAZY PERSON. [ LAUGHTER ]
YOU CAN CURRENTLY SEE HIM ON BROADWAY IN THE ROLE OF MAN
SCREAMING IN FRONT OF THE BILLABONG STORE.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> SO COME ON DOWN TO WHISKERS
"R" WE. >> THE ADOPTION PROCESS IS
SIMPLE. WE PUT CATS IN YOUR CAR WHEN
YOU'RE NOT LOOKING. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> COME ON DOWN TO WHISKERS "R" WE!
>> THANKSGIVING IS CAT-ATOPIA.
SEE YOU THERE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪♪