- I think most people at Christmas,
pretty much everybody in this room
will get one slightly shitty Christmas present,
just slightly shitty Christmas present.
Usually if somebody doesn't know you very well.
And you look at it and you think,
how did they?
Why did they?
What the fuck is a pamanda?
(audience laughs)
Now last Christmas, my shitty Christmas present
was off my fella.
(audience groans)
Exactly. (audience laughs)
And it was a long-handled metal shoe horn.
(audience laughs)
Your guess is as good as mine.
Now, if you get your shitty Christmas present
off your Auntie Brenda you have to go,
"Thanks very much Auntie Brenda,
"I'll be able to put my shoes on from a great height now."
(audience laughs)
But the joy of it being off your partner
is you're allowed to go,
"What the fuck is that?"
(audience laughs)
Which is what I did.
And he said, "You asked for it."
I said, "No I bloody didn't."
And this is where I found out
something quite adorable about my fella.
All year round whenever I mentioned something
like I fancy that DVD, or I might get myself that book,
he makes a note of it in his phone.
- [Audience] Aww.
- And when it comes to Christmas or birthdays,
he picks a couple of things off the list
and he buys me them as presents,
which I just think is adorable.
But it didn't mean that when I said to him,
"When did I ask for a long handled metal shoe horn?"
He said, "August 8th."
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
At 8:00 p.m. (audience laughs)
The only possible scenario I can think of
where this might have happened
is maybe I was trying a dress on
that was a little bit too tight.
And to try and make myself feel better and laugh it off,
I said something like,
"Oh, I could do with a shoe horn to get into this."
(audience laughs)
And instead of giving me the cuddle
that I clearly fucking needed,
he made a note of it in his phone.
Shoehorn, that's what she wants.
(audience laughs)
Some people are tricky to buy for for birthdays and things.
If you have somebody in your life like this, then listen up.
This next thing might be useful for you.
We've got a birthday rule.
Our birthday rule is that if it's your birthday,
you get to make all of the decisions
all day for both of you.
So my fellow's last birthday, his first decision,
he said, "I wanna a lie in."
Excellent, happy with that, we had a lie in.
Second decision, he said, "I want a sausage sandwich."
Which was not the euphemism I was hoping it was.
(audience laughs)
I was all like, "Should I be the bread?"
(audience laughs)
Oh, you're putting the grill on, okay.
(audience laughs)
Third decision, he wanted to go to Warwick Castle.
Now I'm sure some of you may well
have been to Warwick Castle.
I'm sure the castle part of it is an absolute delight.
We didn't get to do that bit.
The only bit he wanted to do was the dungeon.
He likes reading horror stories.
He likes watching horror films.
I don't like any of that sort of thing.
I don't like being scared.
I don't even, I'm not a massive fan of the dark,
if I'm brutally honest, I'm a bit of a wuss.
And I thought this whole experience
is gonna be horrible for me,
but birthday rules, we have to go.
So we go to Warwick Castle
and at the door to the dungeon is a man.
And the man has fake blood on his face and hands
and is dressed in some sort of costume,
and being a little claustrophobic as I am,
I thought this is about to include two of the things
I hate the most.
Enclosed spaces and fucking actors.
(audience laughs)
Because it wasn't like a museum.
It wasn't just glass cases with things in to look at
and little bits of writing
that you don't bother reading 'cause it's boring.
It wasn't like that.
It was properly interactive.
Every room had a different scenario.
And there were volunteers required throughout,
and there was always a chance
that somebody was gonna jump out
and frighten the living shit out of you.
(audience laughs)
Now I knew I was gonna hate it,
and it was proved right as soon as we started to walk in.
Now, one thing to point out is,
well I guess these tours normally have 10 or 12 or 15 people
on them all going round as one.
I don't know why.
Maybe just because it was a Tuesday,
but it was only two of us. (audience laughs)
So every time they needed a volunteer,
it was me or him or both of us.
(audience laughs)
And also it was the final tour of the day.
We'd overheard a couple of the actors talking outside
saying that if we hadn't turned up,
they would have all been able to go home an hour early.
(audience laughs)
They already didn't really like us.
Now we go down the stairs at the beginning
and I already hate it
'cause it's dark, it smells funny,
and sort of the walls are kind of running with water.
It's horrible.
Birthday rules, we have to do it though.
Now we go into the first room.
The first room was quite well lit.
It's not too bad.
It's a courtroom.
And there's a man playing a judge.
And just me and my fella, and we are both tried.
I was tried for being a witch,
rude. (audience laughs)
And he was tried for weeing in a well.
Apt. (audience laughs)
We are both sentenced to death,
which I thought was a little harsh.
(audience laughs)
But I thought, if it's all like this,
this is gonna be okay.
Now how wrong you can be.
You go into the next room.
The next room is completely pitch black.
So dark you can't see your hand in front of your face.
And it's also completely silent.
Now I'd been linked into my fellow,
holding on for dear life.
Somebody came up behind us so we couldn't stay
and just unravelled us, and separated us,
but him over the other side of the room.
So I couldn't see him,
I couldn't touch him, but every now and again
I could hear him say, "You're gonna to be alright.
"You're going to be alright."
(audience laughs)
'Cause he knew the state I was getting myself into.
Already starting to shake quite a bit.
Now they left us in the darkness and the silence
for about a minute and then a bright white light flashed
and an old lady screamed in my face.
(audience laughs)
I don't know which bit of history
that's supposed to represent,
but it felt very much like Christmas with me Nana.
(audience laughs)
We go in another couple of rooms.
They're quite scary, but not too bad.
One of the scariest parts of the whole experience
it's just a corridor, just a corridor between one room
and the next, but it was dimly lit
and there were horrific things everywhere we looked
until we realised halfway along that they were mirrors.
(audience laughs)
At one point, I'd whispered to my fella,
"That monster's got my top on."
(audience laughs)
We go in the final room,
the final room is a hospital room.
There is a bed with a body on it
and the body I've already clocked is a dummy.
So it doesn't mean it can't move,
but at least it's not gonna jump out at me.
And a man walks in and addresses us both.
And he says, "I'm not the doctor."
So I went, (audience laughs)
"Okay."
And he went, "The doctor died of the plague."
(audience laughs)
Aw. (audience laughs)
And he went, "I'm the cook."
And I thought, oh snacks. (audience laughs)
Apparently not.
He said, "I am the cook and I am replacing the doctor
"because I'm the only other one who knows about anatomy."
So I just went, "It's a promotion, well done."
(audience laughs)
And he walked forward and he stood just in front of me.
And he was so close to me,
I could feel his breath on my face.
And he looked at me and he said, you don't look very well.
And I crumpled, "I've just got a bit of a cold."
(audience laughs)
And then he said, "I think you need some treatment."
"I'm taking Day Nurse and I've got some chews in me handbag.
"Why don't you do it to him?
"It's his birthday." (audience laughs)
And then he said, "I think you need an operation."
"Happy Birthday to you, you shit."
(audience laughs)
He took me by the hand, he sat me on his seat
and he pulled around us both,
a very thin white muslin curtain.
We are within the curtain.
My fella is on the outside of the curtain.
We are now the show.
My fella is the only audience member.
(audience laughs)
This whole fucking thing is just for him.
The cook pulls out a knife, this sort of size,
like maybe like a dagger.
And he shows it around the front of the curtain.
So my fella can see it really clearly.
He brings it back round again,
and he presses a button on the chair behind me,
which is the sound effect of a woman screaming.
Pulls out another knife, maybe like a machete,
this sort of size.
And again, he shows around the front of the curtain
so my fella can see it, brings it back round again,
presses another button of a woman screaming.
Now by this stage, I am physically shaking from head to toe.
My palms are sweaty and I feel quite sick,
but all I can think is,
"I wonder what we're gonna do for my fucking birthday."
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
Because my birthday is after his.
My birthday no longer becomes about
what I actually might want to do,
but about what he will fucking hate.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
The cook pulls out the final weapon,
it's a scythe, huge like this.
And again, he shows it around the front so my fella can see,
brings it back round again
and presses the most blood curdling scream of all.
And I thought, I know this is fake,
but I wonder what the expression
on my fellas face is right now.
And I could see him very clearly through the curtain.
I looked at his face
and he was checking his phone for text messages.
(audience laughs)
As we walked out, I said,
"I can't believe you were playing on your phone."
He said, "To be honest,
"I was just surprised to get a signal down there."
(audience laughs)
We got in the car to go home.
I said, "You know what we're gonna do for my birthday?"
He said, "No, I don't.
"What are we gonna do for your birthday?"
I said, "You know what we're gonna do for my birthday?"
He said, "I don't, what are we gonna do for your birthday?"
I said, "We're gonna talk about our feelings
"for nine fucking hours." (audience laughs)
As it happens, that's not what we did.
My birthday rolled around a month later.
And all I really wanted to do was wander around John Lewis.
It's me happy place. (audience laughs)
Wanted to wander around
the homeware section touching things.
That's all I wanted to do.
So we go to John Lewis, we're in the homeware section,
but the whole time he is three or four paces
behind me playing on his phone.
And I thought, oh, this isn't fair.
I was disembowelled on his birthday.
(audience laughs)
And I should've learned from earlier experience
that he is not good to take shopping.
On a previous occasion,
we'd been in a different department store.
I decided to look for a new dress.
I picked three to try on and I parked him.
You know how you can park your fella either at the shoes,
'cause there's seats there and they like that,
or you can park them at the fitting room,
'cause then there's some, there's another fella there,
and they can make a little friend.
(audience laughs)
So I parked him at the fitting room,
I took three dresses in to try on,
I came out after each one to show him.
After the first one, I said,
"What do you think of this one?"
And he went, "It's alright."
(audience laughs)
Keep pumping out compliments like that,
and when I get this big head back in the car.
(audience laughs)
Went back in, came back on the second one,
I said, "This is the second one,
"what do you think of this one?"
And he went, "It's nice."
(audience laughs)
♪ I feel so pretty ♪
(audience laughs)
Went back in, came back on the third one,
I said, "This is the best one, this is my favourite one,
"I've saved the best for last.
"What do you think of this one?"
And he went, "Yeah, yeah, you could wait that one outside."
(audience laughs)
"What, did you think the other two were fucking nighties?"
(audience laughs)
So I should have learned from that experience,
But I had not learned from that experience.
We now in John Lewis in the homeware section on my birthday,
and he is three or four paces behind me playing
on his phone like a petulant teenager.
And I turned around, I said, "Oh, this isn't on."
He said, "What's the matter with you?"
I said, "No, this is my birthday, you need to pay attention.
"You need to be interested in things,
"you need to be present."
And he said, Sorry, love."
And he put his phone in his pocket.
He said, "What are we looking at?
"Show us what we're looking at?"
And I said, "I've been looking at the duvet covers."
And I found one that I liked.
It was nice and bright and flowery.
I said, "I like this one.
"What do you think of that one?"
And he looked at it and he went, "That's horrible."
(audience laughs)
And I thought, well, I did ask for your opinion, I suppose.
Maybe you should get your fucking phone out again.
(audience laughs)
I said, "I like it, what's horrible about it?"
And he looked at it again and he went, "It's loud,
"it's gaudy, it's for children."
And he must've seen my face just drop,
because this is not what my birthday was supposed to be.
And he wanted to fix it,
'cause he is a lovely man after all.
And he was so convinced that the next thing he said
was gonna make everything okay.
(audience laughs)
He just went, "It's very you though, love."
(audience laughs)
Hello, it's Sarah Millican here.
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