Ladies and gentlemen,
a lot been going on in the present,
but I think it's time
we just paused for a second
to look
into the future.
The future, Conan?
(audience cheering)
That's right, Sarah Silverman!
Let's look to the future
all the way to the year 2000.
(audience applauding)
♪ In the year 2000 ♪
♪ In the year 2000! ♪
(audience applauding)
(audience laughing)
George W. Bush's last month as President
will be considered a rousing success,
when Bush decides to leave office a month early.
(audience applauding)
♪ In the year 2000 ♪
Barack Obama will announce his pick
for Secretary of State.
Domestic terrorist, Bill Ayres.
Dammit, why didn't we listen!?
(audience laughing)
♪ In the year 2000 ♪
Sarah Palin's kids' names,
Track, Trig,
Bristol, Willow,
and Piper
will seem normal when we hear
what she wanted them to be,
Foof, Gimlet,
Anus, Lay Lay,
and Son of Sam.
(audience laughing)
♪ In the year 2000 ♪
I will launch my own version
of YouTube called "JewTube,"
which only features videos
of my Uncle Morty clearing
his throat in a deli.
(audience laughing)
♪ In the year 2000! ♪
In a misguided attempt to be edgy
America's beef producers will change
their slogan from,
"Beef. It's what's for dinner."
To, "Beef. Get in the van
and don't ask any questions."
(audience laughing)
♪ In the year 2000 ♪
A secret admirer will send
Barack Obama a dozen roses.
They will come with a note
promising anything and everything.
He'll have no idea who they're from
unless he's watching this show right now.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
♪ In the year 2000 ♪
The FDA will demand
that fast food chains list
the health benefits associated with their foods.
Unable to think of any
the management at Taco Bell
will settle for, "deep rectal burning."
(audience laughing)
♪ In the year 2000 ♪
An elderly woman will slip in the shower
and break her hip.
Only God will see it,
so only God will laugh.
(audience laughing)
♪ In the year 2000 ♪
(clears throat) The question of,
which came first,
the chicken or the egg
will be answered by an actual eyewitness,
Larry King.
(audience laughing)
♪ In the year 2000 ♪
After discussing the matter privately
with dozens of people,
Conan O'Brien will realize
that he's the only person
who faces the tank
when he makes number two.
(audience laughing)
♪ In the year 2000 ♪
I thought everyone did that!
(audience laughing)
It's more comfortable.
Try it!
(audience laughing)
♪ In the year 2000 ♪
The phrase, "erect clitoris" will be uttered
for the first time ever
on late night television.
However, the phrase, "itchy (bleeps)...
will be bleeped.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
♪ In the year 2000 ♪
(audience cheering)
[Conan] Sarah Silverman, everybody!