LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," I'M YOUR HOST
STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE MAY BE THE HOME OF THE BRAVE
HERE IN THE UNITED STATES, BUT YOU'VE GOTTA ADMIRE THE
TOUGHNESS OF THE UKRAINIAN PEOPLE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHEN PUTIN LAUNCHED HIS
MONSTROUS WAR, EVERYONE WAS SAYING KYIV WOULD
FALL WITHIN 48 TO 72 HOURS.
BUT IT'S DAY 15, AND THEY'RE STILL STANDING STRONG.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) EVEN WITH 150,000 OF PUTIN'S
SOLDIERS IN THE COUNTRY, THE RUSSIANS CONTROL, AT MOST, ABOUT
10% OF UKRAINE.
HEY, PUTIN -- HOW YOU LIKE THEM TURNIPS?
( LAUGHTER ) SO FAR, THE UKRAINIAN MILITARY
SAYS THEY HAVE SHOT DOWN OR DESTROYED, 48 RUSSIAN AIRPLANES
AND 80 HELICOPTERS; CAPTURED OR DESTROYED 303 RUSSIAN TANKS AND
HUNDREDS OF MECHANIZED VEHICLES AND CARS; AND HAVE TAKEN OUT TWO
RUSSIAN NAVAL VESSELS.
THAT'S GOTTA ESPECIALLY STIN ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S GOT TO ESPECIALLY STING PUTIN.
WE ALL KNOW HOW PROUD HE IS OF HIS 'NAVAL."
( LAUGHTER ) AND GET THIS --
THE UKRAINIANS DIDN'T SINK JUST ANY SHIP, BECAUSE THE RUSSIAN
WARSHIP THAT WAS TOLD TO GO ( BLEEP ) YOURSELF
AT SNAKE ISLAND HAS BEEN DESTROYED.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: WOW.
>> Stephen: SO, IT MAY NOT HAVE DONE
EXACTLY WHAT THE UKRAINIANS WANTED, BUT IT "DID" GO DOWN ON
ITSELF.
( LAUGHTER ) THE FAILURE OF THE VAUNTED
RUSSIAN WAR MACHINE TO OVERWHELM THE MUCH SMALLER UKRAINE HAS
SHOCKED THE WORLD.
AFTER SEEING THE SLOW PROGRESS, ONE OF RUSSIA'S FORMER COMBAT
LEADERS GAVE THIS ASSESSMENT: >> YOU WILL LOSE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: APPARENTLY, RUSSIA'S
MILITARY PROBLEMS GO DEEP.
EARLY IN THE INVASION, WE LEARNED THAT SOME TROOPS CROSSED
THE BORDER WITH M.R.E.S THAT EXPIRED IN 2002.
IT'S NEVER A GOOD SIGN WHEN YOUR DINNER IS OLD ENOUGH TO ENLIST.
THE RUSSIANS ARE ALSO APPARENTLY LOW ON FUEL.
WHICH COULD BE WHY THEIR GIANT CONVOY REMAINS STUCK IN A COLUMN
AROUND 20 MILES OUTSIDE KYIV THAT HAS BARELY MOVED SINCE LAST
WEEK.
HAHA!
( LAUGHTER ) THEY'RE STUCK IN A TANK CONGA
LINE!
( LAUGHTER ) REPUBLIC OF CONGA.
"C'MON SHAKE YOUR BODY PUTIN DO THE CONGA!
I KNOW YOU CAN'T STAY IN POWER ANY LONGER.
VLAD!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪ ♪♪
( BAND PLAYING CONGA ) >> Stephen: WHOA!
GOT SOME RECIPROCAL ACTION BACK HERE.
( LAUGHTER ) EVEN WHEN THE CONVOY DOES GET
MOVING, IT'S BEEN SLOWED DOWN BY WHAT MILITARY EXPERTS HAVE
DESCRIBED AS CHEAP CHINESE TIRES, WHICH ARE A BAD COPY OF
THE MICHELIN XZL MILITARY TIRE.
THEY'VE EVEN GOT THEIR OWN BOOTLEG MASCOT:
THE MARSHMELLIN FELLOW.
( LAUGHTER ) WHY IS RUSSIA USING SUCH CHEAP
EQUIPMENT?
WELL, RUSSIA'S FORMER FOREIGN MINISTER SAYS THAT WHILE PUTIN
HAS DEDICATED BILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO MODERNIZING RUSSIA'S
FORCES, MUCH OF THAT BUDGET WAS STOLEN BY OLIGARCHS AND SPENT
ON MEGA-YACHTS IN CYPRUS.
AND NOW THAT HIS INNER CIRCLE IS RICH, PUTIN CAN'T RELY ON THEM,
CUZ MAINTAINING A LUXURIOUS LIFESTYLE DISINCENTIVIZES TOP
SECURITY OFFICIALS FROM GIVING EXPERT ADVICE THAT MIGHT
DISAPPOINT THE AUTOCRAT.
THAT'S RIGHT, THEY'RE PLAYING RUSSIA'S MOST POPULAR GAME:
"DON'T DISAPPOINT THE AUTOCRAT!" IVAN, TELL THE OLIGARCHS WHAT
THEY STAND TO LOSE!
(RUSSIAN ACCENT) "IF YOU MAKE PUTIN
MAD, YOU COULD LOSE YOUR LIFE AS WELL AS YOUR LUXURIOUS BROYHILL
SEX BOAT!
SEX BOAT: THE BOAT FOR MAKING SEX.
BACK TO YOU STEPAN!"
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, IVAN.
SEX BOAT.
>> Jon: OH, WOW.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: BUT THE BIGGEST
REASON THE RUSSIAN MILITARY IS BOGGED DOWN
IS THE CASUAL COURAGE OF THEIR UKRAINIAN OPPONENTS.
CASE IN POINT, CHECK OUT THIS FOOTAGE OF AN EXPLOSIVES
DISPOSAL TEAM DISARMING A RUSSIAN BOMB WITH NOTHING BUT
THEIR HANDS AND A BOTTLE OF WATER.
FIRST OF ALL, THIS IS MAYBE THE BRAVEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN.
SECOND, CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE HOW GOOD THIS GUY IS AT JENGA
( LAUGHTER ) HE'S PULLIN' OUT THAT BOTTOM
BLOCK FIRST ROUND!
COME ON!
( LAUGHTER ) YOU CAN TELL THESE GUYS ARE
PROS, BECAUSE THEY PUT THAT LITTLE SHEET OVER THE BOMB.
( LAUGHTER ) A LITTLE BLANKIE.
A LITTLE BLANKIE.
THAT WAY, IF YOU CAN'T DIFFUSE IT, YOU CAN JUST SING IT A
LULLABY AND IT'LL FALL ASLEEP.
ALSO, LET'S NOT OVERLOOK THE BRAVERY OF THE CAMERAMAN HERE.
DO THEY NOT HAVE TRIPODS IN UKRAINE?
"I'M GOOD, I'VE GOT THE SCREEN PROTECTOR ON."
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S NOT JUST TRAINED SOLDIERS.
EVERYDAY UKRAINIANS ARE STEPPING UP TO DEFEND THEIR HOMELAND.
AND A NEW GROUP JUST JOINED THE FRAY, BECAUSE UKRAINIAN
BALLERINAS ARE LEAVING THE STAGE FOR THE FRONT LINES.
PUTIN DOESN'T STAND A CHANCE!
THESE ARE THE SAME PEOPLE WHO TOOK DOWN THE MOUSE KING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE'S RUSSELL MEYER!
IT'S NOT THE FIRST INSTANCE OF BALLERINAS GOING TO WAR.
WHO CAN FORGET THE CLASSIC VIDEO GAME
"CALL OF DUTY: BLACK SWAN."
( LAUGHTER ) CHECK OUT THE INCREDIBLE
TRANSFORMATION OF KYIV BALLET'S PRINCIPAL DANCER
OLEKSY POTYOMKIN.
HERE HE IS ON STAGE, ALREADY PACKING SOME HEAT.
( LAUGHTER ) AND HERE HE IS READY FOR BATTLE.
JIMMY, CAN WE ZOOM OUT?
IMPRESSIVE.
THAT'S REALLY IMPRESSIVE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: GET IT, GET IT!
YEAH, YEAH!
GET UP!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: MORE AND MORE
COMPANIES COMPANIES ARE PULLING THEIR
INVESTMENTS OUT OF RUSSIA.
LIKE NESTLE, MAKERS OF KIT KAT, SMARTIES, AND AERO.
SO GOODBYE, WEIRD EURO CHOCOLATE BARS.
NEXT YEAR'S RUSSIAN HALLOWEEN IS GOING TO BE EVEN MORE DISMAL
THAN USUAL.
(AS RUSSIAN) "TRICK OR TREAT! YAY! IS
POTATO."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GOT TO GET T-SHIRTS MADE
UP -- "IS POTATO ."
ANOTHER FOOD COMPANY BOWING OUT IS YUM BRANDS, THE PARENT
COMPANY OF K.F.C..
THAT'S RIGHT, RUSSIA.
YOU'VE INCURRED THE WRATH OF ONE OF AMERICA'S MOST DECORATED
OFFICERS: COLONEL SANDERS.
HIS VENGEANCE WILL BE EXTRA CRISPY.
DON'T MAKE US SEND IN CAP'N CRUNCH.
WITH JUICE, TOAST, AND MILK, HE'S PART OF A BALANCED
ASS-WHOOPING!
RUSSIANS WILL STILL BE ABLE TO GET THEIR FAVORITE FOOD:
CIGARETTES.
BECAUSE CAMEL SAID THEIR BUSINESS THERE WILL CONTINUE
TO OPERATE.
WELL, THAT'S LUCKY.
'CUZ AT THIS POINT, CAMEL CASH IS WORTH MORE THAN THE
RUBLE.
GIVEN ALL THEY'VE BEEN THROUGH, IT'S NO SURPRISE THAT HATE FOR
PUTIN'S RUSSIA HAS CONSUMED UKRAINE.
AND HATE IS A POWERFUL EMOTION.
WE ALL REMEMBER THE FAMOUS QUOTE FROM STAR WARS:
>> FEAR LEADS TO ANGER.
ANGER LEADS TO HATE.
AND HATE PUTIN I DO.
SUCK IT VLAD!
SUCK IT...YOU SHOULD."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WOW!
WOW!
IT FINALLY WORKED!
THE NEW YORK TIMES INTERVIEWED A UKRAINIAN PSYCHOLOGIST ABOUT THE
FEELINGS OF HER FELLOW CITIZENS, AND SHE SAID
>> "ANGER AND HATE IN THIS SITUATION IS A NORMAL
REACTION AND IMPORTANT TO VALIDATE.
BUT IT IS IMPORTANT TO CHANNEL IT INTO SOMETHING USEFUL, SUCH
AS MAKING INCENDIARY BOMBS OUT OF EMPTY BOTTLES."
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S A GOOD THERAPIST.
(AS PSYCHOLOGIST) "IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR MOTHER'S
CONSTANT PRESSURE FOR YOU TO HAVE CHILDREN, TOUCHES ON SOME
UNRESOLVED ANXIETY.
HAVE YOU CONSIDERED CUTTING HER BRAKE CABLES?"
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS FORMER U.S.
AMBASSADOR TO UKRAINE, MARIE YOVANOVITCH.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, MEANWHILE!
JOIN US.