Celine: What are you doing?
Detective: Who the hell are you?
Colonel: Celine? What are you doing here?
Detective: "Celine"? How the hell do you know her?
Butler: Madame, I'm afraid you've come at a very inopportune time. Something dreadful has happened here.
Celine: I can see that, and I'm glad I got here before it got any worse.
Chef: This is only the tip of the iceberg! And it's a big iceberg.
Chef: How can I put this delicately?
Chef: MARK'S FUCKING DEAD!
Celine: What?
Chef: Dead, like my hopes and dreams.
Chef: And he's a flesh-eating zombie, too.
Celine: Homo necrosis.
Colonel: Exactly, hence the guns.
Detective: That is not "hence the guns"!
Butler: Stop waving those bloody guns around!
Celine: Hol-hold on! Tell me what happened! How did Mark...die?
Mayor (offscreen): It was murder.
And worse yet...
The body is missing.
Celine: What? Show me. And don't say that word.
Chef: What word? Murder?
Celine: Yes! That word!
Butler: Well, I mean murder is a rather accurate description of what occur—
Celine: Do you not see the lightning?
Detective: You sayin' it was lightning that murdered Mark?
Colonel: Well, Mother Nature doesn't exactly strike me as having murderous intent.
...Unless you count that time I was sucked into the board game: Jumanji and I wa—!
Celine: Stop, stop! Look, whatever's happening here is tapping into forces far beyond our control.
Chef (quietly): murder.
Colonel (slowly): Mur...doch?
Detective: Malarkey.
Butler: Marco! [The thunder proceeds to be done with them messing around] Celine: Enough!
Look. Mark's death is a terrible thing indeed. But I fear that there are forces much darker than anything we've seen here today.
I'm well versed in the arcane arts, but if you, untrained and uninitiated, can summon lightning with a mere word,
we're all in far graver danger than anything we could ever hope to face alone.
We're gonna have to work together if we're gonna survive this.
Mayor: Celine, what are you proposing?
Celine: We need to speak with Mark.
Chef: I knew it! He's a flesh-eating zombie! Celine: No.
Colonel: Well, maybe one of those smart zombies: homeo sapio zombifus.
Celine: No, no. I need to commune with the dead.
Detective: That... doesn't sound like a good idea. Celine: Well, it's a good thing I don't need your permission.
Celine: But you! You've been awfully quiet through this whole thing.
Chef: With those beady little eyes. Butler: And wearing THOSE rags, pff.
Detective: Maybe I shouldn't have trusted someone so goddamn gorgeous.
Colonel: Oh, I'll pass.
Celine: But I feel like I can trust you. I sense that you have a far greater part to play in all of this.
Will you help me find an answer?
Perfect. Come with me.
Detective: Alright, that's enough. I'm not gonna just sit around and let you drag my partner off to their very likely death. I won't stand for it!
Colonel: Well, I trust Celine with all my heart! I see no reason why an-any-any one should doubt her!
Butler: Well, I have to agree with our intrepid detective here. It just doesn't seem natural.
Chef: I never liked this uptight asshole. He walks around with a stick up his ass.
But I think he's right, something's weird.
Celine: If it makes you feel any better, you guys can stand watch outside the door, but my work CANNOT be interrupted.
Detective: Oh, believe you me. I'll be keeping a close eye on every single one of you.
Even myself.
Especially myself.
Mayor: Wh—Celine? Celine, wait. Wait! Celine: Yes, Damien?
Damien: I... are you alright?
Celine: (sighs) Damien: I know this news can't be settling well with you.
Celine: I'm fine for now. Damien: I... er...
But all this talk of the occult! And—and Mark is dead, wait! Wait.
I just didn't think you were the type to become mixed up with all this.
Celine: There is more to this world than you could ever hope to imagine. I just had my eyes open to a small portion of it.
Damien: I... [Sigh]
Just be careful!
You too.
Celine: Could you hand me my bag?
Thank you. Please, have a seat.
Now, I'm sure this must be unsettling for you, being thrust into this series of unfortunate events.
But I promise—with your help, I'm going to get to the bottom of this.
Now I'm not sure who would want to kill Mark, but something tells me this seemingly significant event
is actually a footnote in a much larger mystery unfolding in our midst.
I've never been very comfortable in this house. But something tells me...
Now that my eyes are open, there are dark forces surrounding this manor.
(Audio slows, distorts. Speech fades in and out) Detective: Keep your enemies close, eh?
Colonel: I will not be called a murderer in my own home! Celine: Stop!
Colonel: I thought it was time that we come get to know each other, far away from the prying eyes of...anyone else.
Detective: You're not gonna believe this. I can't believe this. The body—the body is gone. It's fucking gone!
[Piercing ring begins to penetrate muddled noise]
Damien: ...Not exactly sure what we're supposed to be celebrating. I mean, it's good to have the gang back together, but out of the blue like this seems..
(???, laughing) Employers come and go, come and go. Some die, some don't.
(Thunderclap, audio returns to normal) Celine: What happened? Why did you stop?
Did you see something? Someone? Draw it.
What is this? This doesn't answer anything!
You need to go back! Go back, now!
Detective: What the shit is this?
Celine: Get out! We are not done here! Mayor: Celine, I think this is quite enough.
Celine: It's enough when I SAY it's enough! Detective: C'mon, partner, let's go. Come on! Hurry it up!
What did she do to you? What is this? Butler! Butler!
Butler: What? What is it? Detective: This mean anything to you?
Butler: Well, maybe...no, sorry. Detective: Spit it out if you got something!
Butler: Well...it could be our groundskeeper George, but he only works on weekdays.
Detective: Looks like your friend here may disagree with that notion!
Chef: Me? Detective: Yeah, you.
Chef: Uh...I don't know shit, I plead the fifth, man. Butler: Chef, if you know something, for god's sake spit it out!
Chef: Okay, alright, you're twisting my arm, alright. George has been living on the grounds for years.
Butler: WHAT?! Detective: And you just now thought to share that information with us?
For all we know, he could be the murderer!
Celine: For the last time, stop saying that word!
Chef: Look. George... just tends to the grounds, man. He's a fuckin' hermit!
Detective: I don't care what the fuck he is!
Mayor: Look, all this arguing is getting us nowhere! Just go outside and talk to this George and be done with it!
Detective: Hold on a sec. You're not coming with us? Mayor: I-I need to stay here with Celine.
Celine: I don't need help. Especially from you! Mayor: OUR FRIEND IS DEAD!
I'm sorry. I just need answers to all of this. I already lost one friend today; I don't want to lose another.
Celine: Fine, but I need to stay here. Mayor: Fine with me.
Detective: Fine, good, yeah, whatever, who cares. Alright, you're coming with me. Partner, you too.
Hold on a sec... We're missing somebody.
Who had eyes on the Colonel? Butler: Well, he appeared tired, and...went back to his room.
Detective: I'm sure he did. And with any luck, he'll stay there. Alright, let's roll out. Come on.
Detective (offscreen): Move it. Come on, partner, come on!
Detective: Lead the way, Cookie.
Chef: Cookie? I'm not your Cookie! I spent three weeks at culinary school! I earned the right to be called a chef!
Detective: I'm very impressed. Just tell us where we're going!
Come on! Let's go!
Detective: I think I see him.
Hey! Buddy! Hands where I can see 'em!
George: Hey, my hands are where they're supposed to be. Unless, of course, you'd like to dig the hole for yourself.
Detective: What the hell are you doing here? George: I'm the groundskeeper. I keep the ground, alright?
I'd say look around. The ground is pretty well kept in this place, right?
Chef: I'm sorry, man, this dick made me bring him out here. Detective: You shut up.
How do you not know about the murders going on in this house? (Interrupted by thunder)
How do you not hear that lightning?
George: Lightning is the sky's business! Look at the ground! When the ground starts shooting up lightning, I'll let you know!
Detective: Alright then, smartass, why exactly are you digging that hole? And why shouldn't we suspect you for taking part in the death of your employer?
George: (laughs) Employers come and go! Some die, some don't, some are murdered, some are not. It's not my business!
I'm digging this hole for a burst water pipe, if that's alright with your gracefulness!
Chef: See, I told you. George didn't do nothin, man! George: See? I just did nothing.
Detective: Forgive me for not taking you at face value.
But we're all gonna come inside, we're gonna sit down, and have a nice lovely chat.
And get to the bottom of this before I lose my mind, and start dabbling in murder myself!
George: Now, you listen to me, sonny. It's been fifteen years since I've been in that house. And I am not about to break that winning streak now.
I don't care how many murders there've been. I ain't going near that house!
However, there is one reason. One incident. One manifestation. That will get me into that mad house.
You had better pray to God that that reason never comes to pass.
(thunderclap)
THAT THERE'S THE REASON!
Detective: Go, go, go!
(Dramatic music) George: Somebody help me!