- Hi everybody.
I am not 100% sober, so.
Let me tell you guys the story of Noah's ark.
- Welcome to Hebrew School Happy Hour.
(burping)
- So, let's go back in time
to many years that I don't know the specifics of
and there's this dude named Noah.
He lives in a world that's like not so great,
like everybody is like killing each other
and cheating and like having affairs
and like people are not nice,
everybody like drank a lot
which is not good to do.
You should not do that.
And God's like Noah,
I have to warn you
and Noah's like whoa, like who is this?
You have an intense voice.
He's like I'm sorry,
I normally don't speak to you like this
but I have an important message.
This is God.
You gotta build a boat
and you gotta get the animals on it
if you want to survive the floods.
And Noah was like well, I want to survive, so yeah.
I'm gonna build boat.
What do you want me to do?
So, Noah keeps to himself, he doesn't really tell anybody
and like 100 years pass.
He builds like a big boat.
Think of like a carnival cruise ship
that's like actually fun to go on.
So, he doesn't tell anybody about the boat
and he's like this is my ship
and I'm keeping it to myself.
It starts flooding like so much water,
so everything's being submerged
and he's trying to get all the animals
and he's getting him on two by two
and the animals are like can we go quicker?
10 by 10?
And he was like shut up, pig, you're going two by two
'cause I'm Noah and that's my rule.
Who's drunk, not me, maybe a little bit.
Ark life is rough.
#NoDaysOff.
They are just sailing,
that's his life but wife, you know what I mean?
No, you don't know what I mean
'cause you live on land.
Noah is like oh my God,
I can't deal with this,
like I cannot pick up any more cow dung.
Like I ran out of plastic baggies,
I was attacked by a bear last night,
these conditions are not good.
I need to get on land,
I'm seasick all the time.
I have to pee.
So, he says dove, you have a mission
which is to go fly
and find land.
And the dove's like, I don't have time for that,
I have other jobs.
I have a wedding to do later.
I also have a soap commercial
that I need to do, so.
And he's like, it's life or death,
we need to know where's land.
I didn't eat today.
Could we go to In and Out?
The dove complies and he comes back
with an olive branch
and Noah's like oh, duh, there's land,
like we Gucci and they land
and Noah gets off
and he's like POed, like Noah is like real mad
and he's like do you know
how many people are dead?
I don't know why you would tell me
and not go and tell everybody else
and God is like you're really bad at communication skills
because I told you in hopes
that you would tell the people.
You should have told everybody
and you should have told them to be good
and do good deeds and make lasagna for their children
'cause their children like lasagna.
Normally I'm not this hungry.
And the moral of the story,
I forgot, what's the moral of the story?
- [Narrator] Noah was a good man
but to be truly great he needed
to do more than just keep his head down
and only do what was expected of him.
To make a positive change in this world,
we have to be proactive,
aggressively fighting for the wellbeing of everyone.
- You know who I should text right now?
My ex boyfriend Gary.
Get your boat ready, Gary.
The flood is a coming.
I am not gonna regret that in the morning.