Hey it's Clayton and I’m coming to you from Denver, Colorado at the historic Cheesman
Park.
And I wanted to flip on my camera today and make another video under this tree because
I’ve been getting a question for a long time now from both men and women and it's
how do I get back with an ex?
How do I fix what went wrong with my lover and start over and create that second chance?
Now a caveat before I jump into the tips, it's up to you to examine whether or not the
dynamic you had with your ex is healthy.
And oftentimes taking space, journaling, working with a therapist or coach, can really help
you come to the clarity needed to make the best move from where you're at so I highly
encourage that.
Now that said, what I’m going to do in this video is I'm going to outline five ways, five
steps towards reconciliation with a partner that's broken up with you.
I do believe that in some cases, relationship should end.
And I believe in many cases, relationships can have a second chance and it is appropriate
to fight for a second chance.
Sometimes your partner doesn't know how to communicate with you and one of the most sobering
and direct ways to actually communicate a message to especially if you have not been
listening is to break up with you.
It's to play the ultimate trump card which is, “I'm taking all of my toys and I'm going
home.”
And if that doesn't get you to wake up and start listening and start looking at yourself,
I don't know what does.
A breakup is one of the most emotionally devastating things that anybody can go through.
So, the larger context around getting an ex back, in my view, is that the relationship
breakup is an opportunity for your own transformation.
It is a really powerful mirror that you can begin to gaze into and start to upgrade parts
of the way that you relate to people and remove the BS strategies that may have led to the
break up in the first place.
So, that said, the first step in reconciling with your ex and creating a second chance
is to not go too much too soon.
What I mean is this, when your partner breaks up with you, they are wanting space.
They are making a declaration that they need perspective, that they need to walk away and
collect themselves and truly experience what it's like to no longer have you in their life.
Many times, people break up with their partners because they are looking for clarity.
Sometimes they're breaking up with them because they want nothing to do with them anymore,
at least in the moment, and it is very important that you honor that decision and back away
from them and deal with your emotions without them helping you.
And what that means is maybe you're working with a therapist, maybe you've got friends
as the support group, you're working with a coach, but you are working on the feelings
of loss without their help and without using them to stop the bleeding or reassure you
that everything's going to be okay.
And the reason why this is so important, the reason why taking space and honoring their
decision is so important is because most likely during your relationship trust and respect
were compromised – meaning that they perhaps didn't trust you anymore or they didn't respect
you enough to want to stay in a relationship or see a future with you.
And one of the first steps to rebuilding any type of second chance is to re-establish the
trust and respect.
And by you being able to honor their decision and respect it and walk away and did not contact
them and take some space and get some perspective, you communicate: one, that you trust yourself
that you trust their decision, and two that you respect a decision.
Now the second tip is to avoid blaming yourself and avoid punishing yourself over this breakup.
Look you may have done some things that didn't work, you may have been selfish, you may have
taken the person for granted, you may have been ignorant to their feelings, and look
it's not your fault.
This is the kind of stuff that happens in relationships and sometimes it takes several
go-arounds before we get it right.
If you didn't have the best model growing up from your mom and your dad or even if you
did sometimes relationships take a few tries before you really get them right.
So, I encourage you to go easy on yourself and realize that you've made some mistakes
maybe they've made some mistakes as well and it's okay.
Because see when you stop blaming yourself you stop punishing yourself, it actually allows
you to move forward it allows you to change.
But when you are beating yourself up and you're punishing yourself for the things that you
did it's like this weight that is on your shoulders stopping you from being able to
move forward.
It's your responsibility to be able to see the mistakes that you made and to take responsibility
for them in yourself in a way where you are not adding more weight and blame and self-hate
on top of this mix.
But you're able to say, ”All right you know what I did these things, they didn't work.
And now there's some education that perhaps I need to get and I'm going to come back with
a new me.
I'm going to come back with a new strategy, with a new awareness and I'm going to be able
to create something different.”
And blaming yourself and punishing yourself does not help in that process.
Now the next tip I have for you is to stay single and stay in integrity with yourself
– meaning don't go find somebody so you can then post on Facebook how you want to
“I'm some amazing date with a different guy or a different woman” just so you can
make your ex jealous.
Because if you are playing games and you're using other people it will come back to bite
you in the ass.
Because see you're not operating from your best self you're operating from a part of
you that wants to make the other person jealous or wants to hurt them and wants to instill
fear of them so they fear that you might leave and then they come back.
And then the primary motivation for them coming back is not necessarily because they think
things will be different but it's because they're afraid of losing you.
And what will end up happening is once they've got you and they're no longer afraid of losing
you, all of those reasons around why it didn't work will come rushing back into the forefront
and they’re going to break up with you again.
So, no throwing rebounds in people's faces stay single get some perspective.
Adding anybody else to this equation on your side is just going to confuse you, it's not
going to allow you to get the perspective that you need to truly do the work necessary
to start over and create a second chance.
And the fourth tip I have for you on getting back together with an ex, you've got to take
responsibility for the break-up in a way that truly touches your partner.
What I mean is it's not enough to say I'm sorry.
It's not enough to say, “You're right and I agree with the breakup,” but rather you're
going to have to dig and have to get down to the core dynamic that led to this breakup.
And you are going to have to see your contribution of how is created and why it was created and
it's going to require a level of vulnerability, a level of transparency and honesty on your
part that is truly going to pave the way for them to see you in a new light.
It's almost as if you are coming back to the table with an understanding of the dynamic
so clearly that they are meeting a version of you that perhaps they have not seen in
years.
And that is how they can begin to see a second chance.
You've got to take responsibility for the breakup that gets to the core issue and it
communicates it to them in a way that you almost articulate it better than they could,
so you are bringing clarity to the problem that they in a way that perhaps they haven't
seen yet that provides a full 360-degree view of what wasn't working.
And then the two of you can start rolling up your sleeves and building something new
from there.
And the fifth and final step I have for you which is something that I mentioned in step
one which is to get outside help, whether it's a life coach or relationship coach, somebody
to help you see the things that you are too close to; to help point out the obstacles
that are in your blind spots that are stopping you from making progress it's invaluable and
will exponentially help you move forward.
It can be very easy to get stuck in a situation where you are on the path to reconciling with
your ex or reconciling with your lover and moving forward in the right direction and
then to mess it up because you don't know what happens next or you react to something
because you get in your own way and you get emotional and you say something you'll regret
and you make a poor decision and I don't want that to happen to you so one of the things
that I've done is I've created two different links.
Okay two different guides: so one for you if you're a man and one for you if you are
a woman.
Because truly the path to reconciliation is different depending on whether you are or
whether you're a woman, so below this video in this description is a link for men in a
link for women.
For men, it's going to be a guide called the 5 No BS Truth to Saving Your Relationship.
And for women, it's going to be a guide on the 3 Reasons Men Leave Women.
Once you enter your email and get those guides I've also got a series of videos I'm going
to be giving away to you for free as well.
So, if this is something that you are interested in, if you are interested in creating a second
chance with your ex and you are looking for more perspective and more help, go ahead and
click on those links right below this video and I will see you on the other side good
luck.