Hello, and welcome again to my at-home show.
Don't worry about that man outside the window.
He's not a peeping Tom.
He's an average Andy.
I don't think I'm ever going to be
able to go back to the studio.
I love it out here so much.
Oh, good.
I'm glad--
I get fresh air.
That's great.
Thanks for having me.
I'm glad.
He's been out there, socially distancing from me
throughout the quarantine.
You should have seen him in the rain last weekend
like a little wet rat, you were.
You were just like, let me in, let me in, let me in,
with his little paws up against the window.
But the sun dried him out quickly, right?
You're all dry.
[LAUGHS] I'm all good.
OK, good.
As I mentioned when this all began,
while I'm isolating at home, a lot of random thoughts
have been popping into my head.
What I do, I write them down on a piece of paper,
and then I type them out.
And then I put them in little strips.
This is my quarantine thoughts.
And the label says, "Oprah," and that's only because I stole it
from her porch.
[LAUGHS]
OK, thank you, Andy.
I'm the only one.
All right, these are quarantine thoughts that I've had, OK?
If oranges are called oranges because they're orange,
why aren't bananas called yellows?
[LAUGHS]
Right?
That's fair.
It's a fair question.
Thank you.
They're not supposed to be funny.
They're thoughts.
That's what I said.
I said it's a fair question.
What if people had mating calls like animals?
Instead of dating, they'd just go outside and start yelling.
Andy, what would yours be?
(LAUGHING) What, me?
What would your mating call be?
Wha, wha, wha, wha, wha, wa.
That would get the ladies.
tWitch, what would your mating call be?
Mine would be like, uh, ay-yuh!
[CLICKING TEETH]
Do it again.
Ay-yo!
[CLICKING TEETH]
[LAUGHTER]
It's kind of adorable.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
Did you-- oh, Allison's going to come running in a minute
when she hears that.
Right, just respond to the call.
Yeah, maybe.
[LAUGHS]
Yeah.
And then Andy, what was yours again?
[GROWLING]
[LAUGHTER]
I don't remember--
All right.
--quite literally.
OK.
It's a fun thing to think about during quarantine--
Yeah.
If you had a mating call, what would it be?
I'm going to work on it.
Mine would be, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!"
[LAUGHS]
That'll hurt.
A fun drinking game would be to do a shot every time
you see Shaquille O'Neal in a commercial.
That guy endorses everything-- pizza, Carnival Cruises,
car insurance, that sweat powder, whatever that is.
[LAUGHS]
It's true.
It is.
These are thoughts.
I can't believe airplanes were invented
100 years before drones.
We figured out how to make a bus full of people fly in the sky
before we could figure out how to-- a tiny, tiny camera
fly around.
That's interesting.
Yeah.
It's true.
Uh-oh, I've lost one of my thoughts.
Oh, God.
Hold on.
This is an important one too, I can tell.
It tried to get away from me.
This is a good one.
I wonder if making essential oils
was ruled an essential business.
[LAUGHS]
A little COVID-19 humor.
Thank you.
Why do they call a Blazer a sport coat?
I have never seen an athlete wear one to a sports--
any kind of sports game.
No one wears a Blazer, and yet they call it a sport coat.
I'm going to explain the joke, because it's funnier.
[LAUGHS]
We're going to lose that one.
No, we're not going to lose it.
That's a good one.
Angina is a very serious health problem.
But for some reason, Andy giggles when I say it.
Angina.
OK [LAUGHS] What is it?
What is angina?
I'm not sure.
I'll look it up.
tWitch, what's angina?
Do you know angina, tWitch?
I do not know--
I don't know angina.
I'm curious to know that is though.
I'll find out.
All right.
Do you get dumber after a dentist removes your wisdom
teeth?
[LAUGHS]
That took a moment, and then I got it.
And I think it's very clever, Ellen.
Well, if it took a moment, you probably
got your wisdom teeth taken out at some point.
[LAUGHS]
It's not necessarily funny, but the bar is so low.
Yeah.
What else are they going to do, if not watch our show?
Right, exactly.
Do you think the "p" is silent in "psychology"
because it's afraid to speak up?
[LAUGHS]
That is excellent.
That is a good one.
Yep.
Thank you.
I had a hard time spelling psychology for a while.
[LAUGHS]
If you order a drink at Hooters and they ask you what size,
are they technically asking your cup size?
[LAUGHS]
That one's so dumb.
All right, that's enough thoughts for today.