- Is there anything that's too much?
Like you don't want to go there?
- Okay.
- Okay, have you ever done it in the butt?
(orchestral music)
- Hi. - Hello.
- I'm Alex.
- I'm Michael.
- My name is Parker and this is my grandpa.
- Do you know what you're here to do today?
- Yes, I think I do, yeah.
- To answer questions.
- When was the last time that you drank?
- About 30 years ago.
- You better tell the truth, otherwise
I'm gonna get you one of these.
- I'm a little nervous just because I don't know
this process but I'm not shy about anything.
I've got nothing to hide. - Yeah, I know, you're wild.
Wild guy.
This'll be fun.
- Okay. Oh god.
Okay, get ready for your shot.
What kind of porn do you watch?
- You know, honestly, I'm just gonna say it.
Public, public's my favorite.
I can't believe I just told my grandma that.
- Oh, what kind of porn do you watch?
Come on, I've always wondered what kind of porn girls watch.
- Okay, I won't be a little bitch.
So I don't watch porn.
- Would you rather read about porn?
- Yes, okay, so does that count as porn?
Books, sexy books.
Last summer I read 11 sexy books, 11.
- There ya go, there ya go.
- What else, my turn? - Yeah.
Just go ahead and pull it up.
- So what's it say, you gotta read it for me.
I can't see, no, I can't see it.
- What is the most stereotypical old person thing that I do?
- What's the most stereotypical thing,
old person thing that you do?
- That I do.
- That you do, yeah.
- No you say I.
- Oh, that I do, oh okay, I'm sorry, yeah.
- I'm reading for you because you can't see.
- Yeah, that's right yeah.
- You can't hear, you refuse to get
a hearing aid. - Yeah, I'm in bad shape.
Yeah, you got it, yeah.
- Why won't you go get a hearing aid?
They're like a couple hundred dollars at Costco.
- I don't want a hearing aid, alright, I can hear.
- Oh god, I knew this was gonna come up.
Have you ever stolen from me?
- Oh yeah, I have, I have totally stolen from you.
- Define stealing.
I might have borrowed, I mean, I have something
that I borrowed that I'm bringing back.
It's just a tarp. - Got my tarp.
- It's a tarp, you have like a thousand of them.
- Right there boy.
- You want me to drink?
It's like I've told the truth and I'm still drinking.
- Is there anything that's too much?
Like you don't want to go there?
Okay.
- Okay, have you ever done it in the butt?
I've heard a lot of college girls do that
so they won't get pregnant.
- I've only done it once.
- Really, how was that?
- It was not fun.
- Oh, kind of uncomfortable.
- One and done, no more.
- Oh, this you have to be really honest about.
Which grandparent do you like the most?
You got a lot--
- You got me, I am not answering that.
- Coward.
- Which grandparent do you like the most?
Be honest.
- Well it's different.
I'd say you and Nana are my favorite grandparent.
- Yeah you gotta pick one.
It says who is your favorite?
- I love you, and I have so much fun with you,
you're a great grandpa. - Well it's hands down Nana.
- She has just done a lot.
- Okay, do you smoke marijuana or partake in other drugs?
- All day every day, grandma already knows.
Yeah, what drugs have you done?
- Geez. - Come on.
- I didn't do weed because weed didn't agree with me.
But I did like the shrooms.
- Yeah.
- Do you smoke marijuana or partake in other drugs?
- I snorted cocaine.
- What?
I'm really trying to gather, so, you've done cocaine?
Not everybody does cocaine. - I snorted it.
- This is totally out of left field,
I'm still trying to gather it all.
- Gather as you wish.
- You did, was it shrooms or acid?
- Well it was first weed. - Weed, yeah.
- And then some acid and then a little meth here and there.
We didn't like meth, though.
- What didn't you do?
- Oh, we never did heroin or anything like that.
- I'm proud of you.
And look at you now. - Yeah!
- You only start drinking at noon.
Progress, it's all that matters.
- Are you still sexually active and how often?
- Oh come on.
- You can take a drink if you want.
- No, I need more than a drink.
- It depends on what you describe as active.
- So what's your idea of active?
- Every, once a year.
- My god you're old, okay.
- It's usually a professional.
I leave my sex life up to professionals.
- Wow.
- Are you--
- Not another sex question please.
- It totally is too.
Are you sexually active still?
- Oh geez.
- You and Opa just doing the things.
- No.
- Oh, okay okay, that's all, okay.
- Alright, how did you react when
you found out my mom adopted me?
- Well, it was wonderful, I'm adopted myself.
- Really?
- I was orphaned as a baby.
- Mom never said that.
- You didn't have the need to know.
- Okay.
- You know me, I release information
on a need-to-know basis.
- Makes a lot of sense why we get along so much.
- Are we allowed to touch each other?
- Thanks grandpa.
- How did you react when you found out
my mom was pregnant with me?
- Cried.
- Tears of joy I hope.
- No, they weren't tears of joy, it was tears of mad.
- When she came to me and said
she was pregnant all I could think about
was they were gonna just ruin their lives, you know?
And so the first thing that came to my head was,
well, maybe we should just terminate the pregnancy.
- Wow. - I know.
I'm so glad that you're mom said "I don't believe in that."
Because you are very precious to me.
- I love you so much.
I'm trying not to cry.
I won't cry, not yet. - Okay.
- Is it your question? - Next question.
What do you think my obituary should say?
- Wow.
- Yeah. - Yeah it is.
- Sharon, loving mother, loving grandmother,
most selfless woman.
- I can't live up to that, you know.
- Well it's in your obituary, so you did.
- I'll have to die up to it.
- I think that it should say,
here is a great grandfather...
Oh my god, I'm gonna cry.
- Go ahead, speak up, speak the truth.
I'll be gone by the time you come out of there.
- It would say something about my best friend.
How much that I strive to keep you proud.
You know, my first tattoo was your name,
so, I mean, you're my best friend.
- Right.
- You taught me a lot of things.
You served your country and as an individual
that was willing to serve our country as well,
I find that pretty powerful.
I know you're pretty awesome, grandpa.
Pretty fucking awesome.
- You're definitely a guy that lived life to the fullest
and whether or not you made the best choices or not,
I think that's how you inspire me and I love you.
- Yeah, love you too.
- Good, okay.
- I'm glad you convinced me to do this.
- I'm glad you came, I'm surprised.
To 30 years of not drinking.
- Thank you.
- Bottoms up.
(crew applauds)
- It was good, I liked it.
I definitely learned some interesting things.
Still thinking about the cocaine thing.
Just right out there with it.
I was just like, "What?"
- I thought it was kinda cool, really.
I don't know what the big deal is about cocaine.