- What's the ceiling?
Douche rocket? Diarrhea?
World peace? People ask me such fucked up questions.
You have absolutely smelled a fart in a Barnes & Noble.
(upbeat music)
♪ Woo! ♪
Hey, I'm Taylor Tomlinson,
and it's time for "Ask A Comedian."
So these are actual, real questions
that you guys thought I might be able to answer.
"What weird rituals do you need to do
before you go on stage?"
People always ask this.
I don't know what people want me to say.
Like, "I have sex"?
I don't know what people want.
I really just drink hot water with lemon,
and panic, doubt my abilities
as a performer, comedian, and human being.
"What is the worst pre-show meal?"
Anything that even flirts with diarrhea.
I tend to like spicy food.
I have learned that that is a post-show meal,
and I have learned that the hard way.
(bright tones sounding) (upbeat music)
"What was the first role you ever auditioned for?"
My father's approval. No, I'm kidding.
I think I'm just too insecure to be an actor.
I shouldn't be saying this.
I should be telling Netflix I'm good at acting.
I'm great. I love acting.
(upbeat music)
"What's a movie you pretend you've seen,
but you really never have?"
I haven't seen "Never Ending Story."
(triumphant music) - Ah!
- Should I have seen that?
What a lame thing to pretend.
To go on Tinder dates, and they're like,
"Have you seen 'Never Ending Story'?"
And you're like, "I mean, who hasn't?"
"What song do you like to walk out on stage to?"
"Boys Wanna Be Her" by Peaches.
(logo whooshing)
"What's the weirdest gift you've ever received?"
There was a guy, I believe in DC, on tour,
who was in the meet and greet,
who had made business cards
that said "Detective Douche Rocket,"
with, I assume, his phone number.
Shouldn't have done that,
but it was a reference to "Quarter-Life Crisis"
and I thought that was pretty fun.
And I said, "All right, Detective Douche Rocket."
(audience laughing)
But, pretty weird thing to order
on a bunch of business cards.
So whoever had to fill that order,
I hope they watched the special.
"You are a Scorpio.
Do you identify with your Zodiac sign and why?"
Unfortunately, yes.
Scorpios are, like, jealous, passionate, and loyal,
and I identify as all of those things.
But I do feel like nobody's ever stoked to be a Scorpio.
Whenever someone's like, "Oh, you're a Scorpio?"
(bright tones sounding)
There's always that.
It's never like, "Oh, you're a Scorpio!"
It's just like, "Okay..."
(upbeat music)
"What comedians did you look up to growing up?"
Brian Regan, I looked up to a lot
because I grew up really religious,
and he was one of the only comedians you could listen to
with your conservative father in the car.
And then I got to open for him
in my early twenties a few times,
and he's the nicest, funniest person ever.
I think that's so cool when you get to meet
a hero of yours,
and they're just as nice and gracious
as they are funny and smart.
"What other celebrity do you get mistaken for?"
I've never been mistaken for a celebrity, ever.
I am told I look like a couple different people.
I've been getting Florence Pugh lately.
(bell dinging)
I don't see it at all.
I wish I looked like Florence Pugh.
"When you have a pimple, do you pick it or leave it alone?"
As I have grown older and more mature
I have learned to leave it alone.
Does that help? No.
"How does bombing on stage feel compared to a breakup?"
Bombing is the worst,
but it's nowhere near as painful as a breakup,
'cause a breakup- Someone who knows you well,
doesn't like you.
I would rather bomb every night for a month
than go through even a nice breakup, which doesn't exist.
When people are like, "No, it's a nice breakup.
They both fell out of love at the same time."
That's not a thing that happens.
Falling out of love at the same time
is like coming at the same time.
It only happens in movies,
and we have to stop pretending otherwise.
"I have feelings for my married coworker.
Should I tell them? I am also married."
People ask me such fucked up questions.
No? It sounds like you wanna do it.
If you're asking a comedian,
"Should I ruin my marriage and someone else's?"
Sounds like you made up your mind.
(bright tones tinkling)
Well, I hope I answered some of your questions.
Now, it's my turn to ask you
to go watch my new special,
"Look At You," on Netflix right now.
(intense music)