(electric guitar strumming)
- [MC] Welcome to Set List Live at NerdMelt Los Angeles.
(cheering)
Tonight's comedians are coming up without a set list.
We are going to give them a set list,
and they are going to improvise
the routine that goes along with it,
out of complete and total thin air
with nothing to protect them but their fragile egos.
Right here before your very eyes ladies and gentlemen,
leaping into the comedy abyss.
- [Kyle] Everything you're terrified of,
like forgetting your material,
it's exactly that, it's your biggest fear.
And it's great, it's the most liberating thing to do.
I gotta get my improv chops, well I don't have
any improv chops, I just have to
get my make-em ups together.
- [MC] Ladies and gentlemen we welcome the
never before seen set list of Kyle Kinane!
(cheering)
- [Kyle] Thanks for coming.
(laughing)
I mean as everybody knows, I get to perform comedy.
I get to do this, but you have
to have two jobs in Los Angeles.
Everybody knows that, people move to this town
with nothing, just dreams, and you can't
put dreams on a resume and say I want these filled.
You can't do that, you gotta come up with angles.
I found a niche in sales, I realized that there's
a need out there, and that's the whole thing
about sales, you have to fulfill a need.
The hipsters, they're getting rid of their dogs,
they're having babies now.
(laughing)
Now we start our top tier, it's a membership program.
At our top tier we can offer you various,
we've got Jennifer Aniston, we've got,
now that's top tier, that's gold status membership.
We got some of her juice over here.
Juice I call it up here now 'cause we're casual.
In a more professional setting, we refer to it
as a celebrity lactate, that's what we refer to it.
There's a lot of celebrity lactates,
and believe it or not, we got a few fellas in there.
We got a few fellas in there, a couple of ones
getting later on, Gavin Rossdale,
he's getting a little chunky,
he's got a little meat up there.
We got him to squirt out a little bit.
(laughing)
There's so many breasts out there.
(laughing)
So talk to me after the show, we got
(mumbles)
(cheering)
(laughing)
Everybody loves a good boner joke.
Am I right, am I right?
There's something, what's amazing is the detail.
You gotta give it one extra inch
to let people know it's a joke.
You go around with a five and a half faker,
that looks real, that's
(laughing)
Hey that's gonna lock you up,
you're gonna get put in the joint.
You go out there with seven,
everybody's like ha look at this guy.
(laughing)
Isn't that what they think, what'd he say, no way,
It's a funny joke, what he's doing with the thing.
Five and a half, this, creep!
(laughing)
Stop looking at my kid man, you go seven,
oh you can go on a swing set with that, I mean.
Big ol' laugh, just point that thing right to the sky.
People have good ol' laugh with that one.
That's what you do when you fake erection pranks.
just remember, you gotta go give it an amount,
give a humorous amount.
(laughing)
I am not a God guy, but it's that worst thing,
I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual,
what a horrible thing to say.
What a horrible thing to say to people.
But the idea that there is, I don't look at him,
or her, or it for any sort of spiritual,
it's more of just like, it's like a Wikipedia for your soul.
That's how you gotta look at the concept.
You know you have questions, and you wanna
know why, why do babies die, sometimes.
Nobody told that baby to join a gang, nobody told,
(laughing)
Nobody told that baby that baby to go skydiving.
They don't make harnesses for babies that size.
That baby wanted to go skydiving.
(laughing)
You ever had to say no
to a baby before, with his little eyes?
It wasn't even the impact too, it was the fact
that it needed a smaller chute,
that big chute jerked the thing right back up.
(laughing)
We didn't realize that the chute opening
was going to break all it's little soft bones.
(laughing)
That baby felt like wet popsicle sticks in there.
(laughing)
They don't even crack, you just hear
a kind of creaking sound, you know, just kind of like a
(imitates deflating)
(laughing)
It's a real shame too, because the wind
just blowing that baby around up there,
so it looks like it's still full of life.
Because it's light little arms being pushed around.
So we really couldn't even tell what happened.
For me, I mean people noticed at about 60 feet up
though, like whoa something's wrong.
I was like, maybe he's just getting
into the mellow, the spiritual side of it.
You know, the zen part of skydiving,
as we all know, the zen part of skydiving,
that's when you just look down at that great big world,
baby didn't even know what a world was,
he just came into this one,
but knew that he was meant for something bigger,
and wanted to see it from a different perspective.
I'm like, you've only been here for three weeks,
you don't even have perspective,
and the baby, I mean I understand,
he was just like get me up there, so...
Yeah he just tumbled, just
(imitates tumbling)
Right in the grass there, in the chute,
and the chute fell on him, and it was another
twenty minutes just trying to find where he died.
(laughing)
You know I feel like I got him, and you cut that part,
it's a lump of grass, you don't even know.
(laughing)
And that's an instant where you
just go why, why, why, why, why,
(laughing)
Why God why?
(cheering)
I respect the educational element
with which this is being done,
(laughing)
but I seriously doubt any of you fourth graders
are going to be going into entomology.
(laughing)
Also hope I used the word entomology correctly,
I thought that was the word your teachers said
right before you put pins in me.
I appreciate the eternal flight pose also,
(laughing)
it's a rather glorious way to go out.
Listen, I know I live for about two weeks,
but did you see what I had to go through before,
the cocoon and shit, it was a real ordeal.
You know, and I just burst out, and I got these wings,
and I got just two weeks to use them,
just two weeks to find out what flight's all about,
I'm just like a baby in a parachute
up there, I don't even know.
(applause)
And it ended so short, so you guys could
just mash me with pins, and then
go drink chocolate milk on a swing set later.
I'm a little bummed, I'm a little bummed at that.
But I hope you get an A, I hope you get an A.
You pulled both my wings off, very very good,
delicate, I can see them, there over there,
that's a good job on that, so good luck
on the test fellas, I hope you do alright.
Alright thanks everybody.
(applause) (electric guitar strumming)
I feel like 60 percent was
(clicks tongue)
and then, a couple things, but that's what it's about,
some of the stuff doesn't fly.
(beeping and drums)
(synth music)