- Hello, there, I'm Aisling Bea.
In what can only be described as a mad move by Netflix,
we're going to be looking at some of my old tweets!
The ice cream van tune brings no nostalgia
to the countryside child.
If we wanted an ice-cream, we had to suck a blank.
Well, there's the rude version of this,
which obviously I'm not going to tell you.
I feel like I remember saying this,
we had to such a cow's udder.
A cold cow's udder, maybe.
Children who live in towns always have this bit like,
"Oh, you know when the ice cream van comes, like...
(mimics ice cream van tune)
No one ever came out to the countryside,
so you just didn't know that whole reference.
Like no one ever drove by and if anyone
ever drove by you're like,
(gasps)
a car!
But it never came with ice creams.
Like the idea a van with music would arrive...
So, yeah.
The nearest thing you could do I suppose in the winter
was sort of shake a cow, (cow moos)
and you know, milk it.
Guys, please.
Until some cold milk came out.
I was born in 1801.
Let's see if I'm right.
To suck a shivering cow's udder.
So I was right!
Turns out I do mildly know myself.
I'll give that to my team.
I wanna be something when I grow up.
Paul Rudd?
Ooh, she's coming back to me.
Who was she?
Who was she, then?
When was it?
See because it doesn't give it any date,
I feel like the joke here... - The date's on the bottom!
- Oh!
(laughs)
Oh, because it doesn't give any date
other than the date here.
Let me see.
12:40 p.m. on June 5th, 2017.
Who even was I then?
12:40 p.m.
That means it's 20 minutes before I would've had lunch.
I don't know if that gives us any clues,
but I tend to get a little bit,
(groans)
before lunch.
I feel like whatever the joke is here
the person is younger than me.
That's what I'm remembering.
And I feel like if I was to make this joke today
it'd be Greta Thunberg.
But now the joke is I wanna be...
Who was a cool child in 2017?
Not the Charlie bit my finger guy, he must be 40 by now.
Oh I can't remember but I've almost got it.
I'm gonna have to reveal.
Ariana Grande!
Yeah, I wanna be Ariana Grande when I grow up.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Named of course after the Starbucks coffee size.
But she is actually older than me,
so I was wrong about my joke.
I like to eat a what before meetings to get me in the mood.
A full adult man.
I don't think it's that, though.
10:18 a.m. May 24th 2018.
Captain's log.
Who was she?
Oysters to get me horny before a meeting?
Because that's the sort of meetings I attend.
Horny meetings.
I don't think I would have been so frisky at 10:00 a.m.
I feel like it's something else,
I feel like it's silly.
A conference pear, before every meeting
to get me in the mood.
That is a great...
Do you know what?
Aisling?
Yes?
A conference pear.
That's a type of pear.
But a meeting is also known as a conference.
I was hilarious in May two years ago.
Where did it all go wrong?
Well done.
That's what I'm gonna do to that.
Team, hold this joke!
Sometimes I see pictures of myself when I was clearly
and it reminds me that I can get through anything.
Sometimes I see pictures of myself when I was clearly
dating Richard Gere?
Wearing lots of fake tan.
No, none of those options are right.
Working as a Christmas elf?
But why would I have been tweeting about that
in June of this year?
That wasn't that long ago.
But that really was a terrible time in my life
when I was working at a Chrsitmas elf
in a giant industrial grotto for 13 hours a day.
And I had a voice.
That was a tough, tough time.
Surprise!
Oh, growing out my fringe.
Or if you're American and watching, my bangs.
Yeah, that was a terrible time in my life.
Can't believe you brought that up.
That's actually really triggering.
You have a fringe or bangs and they're there
and they for some reason need trimming every three hours
or else they grow straight into your eyes.
But then once you get them past your nose
it takes seven years to get to there.
There's a lot of women gonna be watching this
also very triggered, and we're gonna start
a helpline from Netflix because that is awful stuff.
For a long time I looked like, um, is it,
who's the one we never cared about?
Kevin from the Backstreet Boys.
Do you know?
Just like, with the, like this.
I have a job, too.
You didn't really Kevin.
You were there for numbers.
That one can go in the bin, fire!
(blows raspberries)
I miss licking.
I mean, what I'm seeing from the trend here is
I've an oral fixation that Freud would have
had to sit me down and talk to me about.
Oh I know what this is, 'cause I do feel about this.
I miss licking stamps.
I bet that's what this one is.
Big shout out to everybody who misses licking a stamp
and sends a lot of emails now.
There was that episode of Jerry Seinfeld
where the wife died from licking too many envelopes.
I feel like that could have been a definite death as well.
Where just from licking stamps,
and you have the numbness.
That's how you'd look popular.
You know when your phone beeps a lot,
and you're like, "Oh, I've got a lot of texts."
You used to be able to walk around going,
"Send a lot of letters, I've got a lot of pen pals.
"That's why my tongue's hanging out,
"'cause I been licking stamps all day long.
"Can't stop licking, can't stop posting.
"And then I get a lot of letters back, baby."
I hope it's licking stamps.
Otherwise I really don't know what it...
God, I tell the public a lot.
Yes!
Come on, Ireland!
Do you know what?
I assume when the Apocalpse comes
we're gonna have to go back to licking stamps
and stuff like that, so.
And it is a dying art.
'Cause you know, too much tongue,
and this is the same for love making,
and it'll be too wet.
Not enough and you keep the thing too dry.
Thank you, that's a beautiful tweet if I do say so myself.
Some writers have had to write whole books
to prove they can write, but not this old chap.
I'm just naturally a genius.
Oh.
(snickers)
As you can tell.
Please watch Living With Yourself on Netflix.
It's all available to stream.
And also, my standup special in The Comedians Lineup,
The Comedy Lineup on Netflix.
Thank you very much.
So sorry.