WHEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TALK ABOUT ON THE SHOW, I LEAVE MY
DECISION UP TO A HIGHER POWER, BY WHICH I MEAN THE DOME OF MY
THEATER.
THIS IS -- "WHEEL OF NEWS!"!
♪ ♪
♪ >> Stephen: HEY!
NOW!
LONG-TIME FANS OF THE WHEEL OF NEWS KNOW THAT WE'VE INSTALLED A
GIANT SPINNING WHEEL IN THE CEILING OF THE ED SULLIVAN
THEATER WITH TOPICS LIKE "SPORTS," "ENTERTAINMENT," AND
"CHEESE"-- ALL THE BIG NEWS SUBJECTS-- AND WHEREVER THE
WHEEL LANDS, I TALK ABOUT THAT THING.
I JUST PULL A HI-TECH LEVER, WHICH IS HELD UP BY MY
UNDER-THE-DESK GUY, BRENDAN.
SAY HI TO BRENDAN!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: STAY DOWN IN THE
DESK HOLE, BUDDY.
ALL RIGHT.
Y'ALL READY?
LET'S SPIN!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) "SCIENCE!"
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) PEOPLE LOVE THE SCIENCE.
PALENTOLOGISTS IN KAZAKHSTAN HAVE FOUND REMNANTS OF AN
"ELASMOTHERIUM SIBIRICUM," ALSO KNOWN AS THE SIBERIAN UNICORN.
THAT'S RIGHT, UNICORNS ARE REAL!
WHICH MEANS PALEONTOLOGISTS ARE JUST TWO NEON DOLPHINS AWAY FROM
VALIDATING YOUR SIXTH GRADE TRAPPER KEEPER.
PERSONALLY, I LOVE UNICORNS.
I CAN'T WAIT TO FIND OUT WHAT A REAL UNICORN LOOKED LIKE.
JIM?
(LAUGHTER) >> Stephen: THAT'S NOT A REAL
UNICORN.
THAT'S A HAIRY RHINO WITH SCOLIOSIS!
I REALLY HAVE A HARD TIME IMAGINING THAT THING POOPING
RAINBOWS.
I STILL CAN, BUT IT'S NOT EASY.
OKAY, LEVER, LET'S DANCE.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) 5000!
I'M IN FIRST PLACE!
LET'S DO IT RIGHT NOW!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) "SPORTS!"
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) DURING A KNICKS GAME THIS WEEK,
A CHILD RAN ONTO THE COURT TO GIVE CARMELO ANTHONY A HUG, AND
THE VIDEO WENT VIRAL BECAUSE PEOPLE ALL ACROSS THE NATION
WERE SHOCKED THAT THE KNICKS HAD A FAN.
SPIN IT TO WIN IT!
"BERMUDA TRIANGLE!" (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE IS ONE OF THE PLACES WHERE DOZENS OF SHIPS
AND AIRPLANES HAVE DISAPPEARED.
SCIENTISTS DISCOVERED HUGE CRATERS ON THE SEA FLOOR THAT
SUGGEST GIANT BLOWOUTS OF METHANE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE IS OCEAN FARTS.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) APPARENTLY, THE GAS DEPOSITS
BUILD UP ENORMOUS PRESSURE THAT THEY RELEASE IN EXPLOSIONS
STRONG ENOUGH TO TAKE OUT A SHIP OR EVEN AN AIRPLANE FLYING
OVERHEAD.
SO YOU'RE BUSTED, ATLANTIC OCEAN-- HE WHO SANK IT, STANK
IT.
(LAUGHTER) SPIN CYCLE!
( WHAMMY NOISE ) OH, NO!
THE GRONGLER!
AW, MAN!
NO, NO!
NO!
HE GRONGLED AWAY MY 5000!
I'M IN LAST PLACE.
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S TRY AGAIN.
(APPLAUSE) "BUCKET OF NEWS."
ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE WHAT WE'VE GOT IN HERE.
NORTH CAROLINA JUST PASSED A LAW AIMED AT TRANSGENDER PEOPLE THAT
SAYS THAT IF YOU'RE USING A PUBLIC BATHROOM, YOU HAVE TO USE
THE ONE THAT MATCHES THE GENDER ON YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE.
SO NORTH CAROLINIANS, IF YOU'RE OUT ON THE TOWN AND HAVE TO USE
THE FACILITIES, FIRST, JUST GO TO THE COUNTY CLERK, GET THE
LONG-FORM OF YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE, AND YOU'RE ALL
GOOD.
OH, ALSO BRING YOUR PASSPORT OR YOU WON'T BE ALLOWED TO WASH
YOUR HANDS.
NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE COMING OUT AGAINST THIS LAW.
EVEN THE ATTORNEY GENERAL HAS CALLED IT "A NATIONAL
EMBARRASSMENT."
NOT AT ALL, SIR.
THERE'S NO REASON FOR THE REST OF US TO BE EMBARRASSED.
THIS ONE IS ALL YOURS.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
LISTEN, NORTH CAROLINA, PEOPLE CHANGE.
THERE ARE TONS OF FOLKS WHO SIMPLY DON'T IDENTIFY WITH
WHAT'S ON THEIR BIRTH CERTIFICATE.
FOR INSTANCE, TED CRUZ WISHES HIS DIDN'T SAY "CANADA."
(LAUGHTER) SPIN!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) "MYSTERY GUEST!"
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE WHO IT IS!
OUR MYSTERY GUEST FOR TONIGHT IS...
SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THANKS, SENATOR .
SENATOR, ALWAYS GOOD TO SEE YOU.
GOOD TO HAVE YOU HERE.
>> GOOD TO BE HERE.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: THANKS, EVERYBODY!
SENATOR SANDERS, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE TO BE OUR
FIRST MYSTERY GUEST ON THE "WHEEL OF NEWS!."
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) YOU KNOW THE RULES OF MYSTERY
GUESTS.
FIRST YOU HAVE TO ANSWER A QUESTION ABOUT POLICY OF YOUR
CAMPAIGN.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: SIR, YOU SAY, RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE TRAILING IN
DELEGATES BEHIND SECRETARY CLINTON.
YOU SAY THAT SUPER DELEGATES WILL SWITCH FROM MS. CLINTON TO
YOU AS YOU START WINNING MORE STATES.
WHY DO YOU WANT THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY TO BE THROWN INTO THE KIND
OF CHAOS YOU SEE ON THE REPUBLICAN SIDE WHERE THEY WILL
HAVE A CONTESTED CONVENTION?
>> WELL, I THINK TWO THINGS.
NUMBER ONE, WE HAVE WON SIX OUT OF LAST SEVEN CAUCUSES MOST BY A
LANDSLIDE (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
AND I THINK THAT SUPER DELEGATES SHOULD LISTEN TO THE WILL OF
THEIR PEOPLE.
IF YOU'VE GOT 60, 70, 80% OF A VOTE IN A STATE, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK SUPER DELEGATES SHOULD VOTE FOR US.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: ISN'T THE PURPOSE
OF THE SUPER DELEGATES OF THE PARTY TAKES SOME CONTROL OF THE
PROCESS?
DON'T THE REPUBLICANS JUST WISH THEY HAD SUPER DELEGATES RIGHT
NOW?
>> WELL, THAT MAY BE.
BUT I THINK WHAT WE NEED IN THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY IS SOME
DEMOCRACY, AND THAT MEANS THAT I THINK THAT WHEN WE ARE DEFEATING
TRUMP IN THE LAST POLLS BY 15 OR 20 POINTS AND WHEN WE ARE THE
STRONGEST CANDIDATE, I BELIEVE, IN TAKING ON ANY REPUBLICAN
CANDIDATE, I WOULD HOPE SUPER DELEGATES TAKE A LOOK AT WHO THE
STRONGEST DEMOCRAT CANDIDATE IS AND, YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT'S ME.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: SENATOR, THANK YOU
SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
AS YOU KNOW, WE ARE OUT OF MYSTERY GUEST TIME.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
(AUDIENCE REACTS) THANK YOU.
>> I WOULD LIKE TO SPIN THAT DAMN WHEEL!
>> Stephen: WELL, LET'S DO IT!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) LET'S DO IT!
COME ON AROUND HERE.
THERE YOU GO.
>> HEY!
THERE IS A HUMAN BEING DOWN HERE!
WHAT IS GOING ON!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THIS WORKER?!
>> HELP ME, BERNIE.
ALL RIGHT, HERE YOU GO.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) HOW LONG HAVE THEY PUT YOU DOWN
HERE?
>> DAYS!
WHAT KIND OF OPERATION ARE YOU RUNNING HERE, STEPHEN?
>> Stephen: IT'S CALLED A TALK SHOW, BERNIE.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO SPIN THE WHEEL?
>> I WOULD LOVE TO SPIN THE WHEEL.
>> Stephen: GIVE IT A YANK.
WHICH WAY?
>> Stephen: ANY WAY YOU WANT.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) "T-SHIRT CANNON!"
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) ONE, TWO, THREE!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SARAH PAULSON!
♪ (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)