See, this is what I want everyone to know, man.
There's a reason why
Mexicans and Filipinos look alike.
There's a reason why Mexicans and Filipinos relate.
It's a lot deeper than Vicks VapoRub.
That's not the only common bond we have.
I don't want you to come up to me at the end of the show
going, "Hey, my mom use Vick's VapoRub too.
That's so crazy."
No, it's not.
There's a reason why.
There's a reason why we relate on so many other levels.
Spain conquered the Philippines
for over 350 years.
That's real shit.
You guys bred with us.
We're the first hybrid race.
That's what Filipinos are:
Spanish, Asian.
Filipino.
That's what we are.
It's a bad thing what happened, but it's also a good thing.
We got a lot of their traits, We got a lot of their culture.
You know what I'm saying? We look like 'em.
Look at us.
We're two hour flight from Japan.
We are in the heart of Asia,
that's where for the Philippines sits.
But look at us, we don't even have Asian last names.
Because they left their fucking names there.
We don't have Asian names, we have Latino last names.
Look at our fucking last names.
In my family alone,
De La Fuente, Santos, Gonzalez.
We're fucking Mexicans!
We are the Mexicans of Asia.
That's... that's real talk.
Everything Mexicans do, Filipinos do.
Everything!
What do you guys have? Quinceañera, debut.
We got that from them, right?
We celebrate the daughter when she turns 15, right?
She's 15? Same shit!
Throw a big ass party.
Mexicans do that shit all the time, right?
"You're 15, you're ready to be a woman, mija,
it's your quinceañera."
"Are you sure Papa? I'm only 15."
"Yes, I'm sure.
Your mother's only 30."
Okay, okay, okay, that was fucked up!
That was fucked up. But it's funny, come on.
Is it fucked up? It's just a joke!
Fuck! Stop being sensitive.
Go fuck yourselves!
Stereotypes are funny for a reason, 'cause they're true.
We all have stereotypes. Embrace it.
Fuck it. Laugh at it. Who gives a shit?
Not all Filipinos are nurses, but a lot of you motherfuckers are.
I don't know all these Filipinos in here,
but I know one thing,
we have the same uncle.
Every holiday, he has to talk to everybody.
And we dread it, 'cause it takes forever to talk to him.
'Cause he doesn't even know what he wants to say.
He always starts off every conversation like this, "Ah...
You know, uh...
Josep, ah...
Remember the...
The...
Shit, the..."
Always, "Ah..."
I took...
I took my uncle to the to the mall,
and we were in the food court.
We're just sitting there, he's just trying to talk.
And he's loud, so everyone's watching.
That's the part that embarrassed me the most,
'cause he's loud, and everyone's looking,
and he's like, "Ah...
Josep, you remember the...
that, uh...
one time you...
got me...
the..."
I'm like, "What? What are trying to say?"
"Hey, I'm trying to tell you. Wait!
Don't rush me, huh.
I'm trying to think and you're rushing...
Don't rush me, huh!
The... that one time you got me..."
Everyone's watching.
Everyone in the food court is looking.
"Ah...
that, ah, you got me a drink?
You got me that drink?"
"Yeah, What about it? I got you that drink. What about it?"
"Yeah, and, uh, you come back, it had that, uh...
that big straw?
Remember, it has that big straw.
I look at it, go, 'Putang ina, that's a big straw!'
Remember that, you look at this big straw,
and then you got mad at me?"
"Yeah, what about it?"
"Yeah, you told me to just drink it.
Remember? You told me, 'Just drink it.'"
"Yeah, what about it?"
Everyone's watching. Everyone's watching.
"Yes, so I start to drink like that,
and...
I'm... I...
I'm drinking like that and I start sucking on the straw...
And then, this, uh, black ball starts shooting in my mouth...
And I'm sucking.
I'm sucking like that, and I'm... I'm...
Black balls are in my mouth
and I'm sucking and choking on these black balls.
I got mouth full of black balls, and I'm choking, sucking..."
"Shut the fuck up!
Boba, it's fucking boba!"
"Oh, yeah, boba. I hate that shit."