Okay. Today we're going to talk about beating yourself up. Uh whether you made a stupid mistake,
you lost your cool with someone you care about, or you're just a perfectionist with imposter
syndrome, it's easy to get sucked into the toilet hole of beating yourself up. And then you do this
ridiculous thing which I'm going to call the exception BS - I mean the self-exemption bias
- which keeps you trapped in the cycle. But more on that after this cute little nut crack. [Music]
Okay. So you messed up. You just yelled at your kid, or you blew up in a meeting,
or your girlfriend broke up with you. Or on the other hand, you're a perfectionist. You work
your tail off, but you can't fix everything for everyone every time. So then you start
beating yourself up. You say, "Oh, why am I such an idiot?" Or you say to yourself, "I'm the worst
parent," or "Why do I have to have such a big mouth?" And you stress yourself out. You think,
"Oh, I'm probably ruining my kid for life," or you threaten yourself: "I deserve to be fired for
sure." Or you criticize yourself: "I can never do things right." You filter out the memories of the
good, and you only highlight what's wrong. Don't believe me? Would it be easier for you to write
a list of your flaws or your strengths? That is mental filtering. Maybe you believe that you're
broken, defective, you're never good enough, and on you go beating yourself up. We imagine that
if we just beat ourselves up that that's going to motivate us to fix something, to improve, to not
mess up next time. But instead, the technique backfires. It leaves us feeling helpless,
overwhelmed, and unmotivated. When overused we're essentially turning a short-term motivator, fear,
into a long-term chronic stress, which damages our nervous system and makes some people slump into
exhausted depression. And here's the ridiculous thing. Right? Would you ever talk to another
person the way you're talking to yourself? Would you ever call someone else a loser or unlovable or
an idiot? Most of you are highly sensitive people. You internalize things. You'd never treat another
person the way that you're treating yourself. And this is what I call the self-exemption bias, where
for some ridiculous reason you believe that you're the exception to this whole kindness thing, that
everyone else out there deserves understanding, second chances, and a listening ear, but you're
the only person in the entire population of eight billion people on this planet who deserves to be
treated like crap. You really value it when your friend opens up to you about their struggles,
but if you share yours then you spend the next day beating yourself up for oversharing. And all this
beating-yourself-upping can lead to depression, anxiety, and giving up. It's just not helpful.
So how do we fix it? Right? Here's a simple technique you can try:
Choose a situation that led you to feel bad about yourself, and then imagine a good friend going
through that same situation and beating herself up over it. Now, write a letter to comfort your
friend. Make sure to express your care and compassion and understanding. Now,
what does compassion sound like? It's not positive or negative judgment. It's not saying that what
they did was right. It's not mental arguing. It's admitting that everyone with all their flaws,
yourself included, deserve loving kindness. So you want to make sure and tell your friend
how they deserve love and care, and you can also tell your friend about their goodness too. And if
you want, you can give a little advice about just one action to take. And now I want you
to read the compassionate letter toward yourself. Put your name in the blanks. Okay. So let's let's
practice with an anonymous example. Let's imagine that you're a parent and you've been stuck at home
with three little kids under five all day, and you're up half the night with a sick baby, and
while cooking dinner and pasta was boiling and you had raw chicken on your hands your three-year-old
needed your help to poop and your five-year-old was trying to do her homework and needed your help
and you finally got dinner on the table, and now your eight-year-old is refusing to eat the food
you cooked for her and you lose your temper and you yell at her. This has never happened to me,
by the way. And you say, "Sorry," and you make repairs, and you snuggle with her, and you talk,
but then after all the kids go to bed you lay in bed wondering if you're a terrible mom and they'll
hate you and they'll tell their future therapist how much of a hypocrite their therapist mom was,
and down the toilet hole of beating yourself up you go. Okay. So that's the situation. Here's
my letter to this anonymous person. Okay. You messed up. You should not have yelled at your
kid. I know that's not who you really are and who you want to be, but you lost your cool,
and you still deserve compassion. It's normal to make mistakes. We're all just pretending that
the back of our hospital gowns aren't flying open. Everyone makes mistakes, and they are
still worthy of compassion. Beating yourself up doesn't make things better. It doesn't make you
a better parent. The fact that you regret your actions shows how much you care about your kids.
Emma, you are worthy of love. Parenting is freaking hard. You were tired, exhausted,
burnt out, and you haven't been able to take a poop by yourself for a week. It's hard to
shower or do self-care. But you're still trying really hard to raise good kids. You got this.
Now, you don't want your kids to beat themselves up over and over about their mistakes, do you?
You've got to model for them accepting vulnerability and making repairs.
All real and close relationships get a little bit messy. You are not beating your kids;
you're keeping them warm, fed, and clothed, and you show them love. What you did was not ideal,
but it's not going to ruin them for life either. Stop being such a perfectionist and get back in
there. You'll have lots of chances tomorrow to connect with your kids again. Emma, you're doing a
fine job. Stay courageous. It won't always be this hard. You're okay. Your kids are okay. I love you.
You got this. Love, Emma. Okay. So that's what I call the friend advice technique.
Simply extend the same compassion you'd give to a friend to yourself. So give it a try. I
hope it helps you get better at feeling. Thank you for watching, and take care. Oh, side note:
If you want to buy this awesome shirt and help some teenagers get access to therapy and outdoor
recreation in a positive way, check out my merch shelf. My friend Nikki made these shirts to
um help fund therapy for people who can't access it otherwise. So check out the store. You can pick
one up for yourself. Okay. Thanks again. Take care this. Episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.
BetterHelp is an online therapy provider. They match you to a licensed therapist in your area
who can help you with depression, anxiety, trauma, grief, and other concerns. It's really
easy to just sign up and try therapy from the comfort of your own home. And one of the best
parts is you can use their service to message your therapist anytime from anywhere. Therapy starts
at about $65 a week, so check out the link in the description for 10% off your first month. [Music]