♫ Where in the world is
♫ Superwoman today ♫
Toronto, land of the home.
What up, everyone?
It's your girl, Superwoman.
And I know a lot of you are going back to school,
which means back to school shopping!
And let's be real, okay?
F a pencil, you're going back to school
shopping for some clothes,
because that main hallway is a runway,
and you gonna work it.
Who needs books?
Everybody's gonna be studyin' you.
Or, also, maybe you're not going back to school
because you're old like me and you just like
buying clothes because it fills the void
in your heart from lacking a significant other.
Whatever, either way, clothes, buying them,
five reasons that stresses me, begin.
Number one, change rooms.
So, you walk around the store and now you've got
an arm full of 70 things you need to try on,
I mean, a few tops, a few sweaters, a few jeans,
okay, and by "a few jeans," I mean all the jeans,
because let's be real, okay?
Everybody tries on five different
sizes of the exact same jean, okay?
Jeans got so many elements these days,
we don't have a choice.
Low-rise, high-rise, mid-rise,
are these jeans or effin' tidal waves?
What's goin' on?
What's happening with my hair?
Reassemble.
Fine, I was trying not to be hot, but whatever.
Continue.
So, you walk up to the
change room with your 70 items,
and here begins issue number one.
Ma'am, the limit is six items.
Say what, hmm?
Yeah, oh, okay, I have 27.
You can take in six and leave the rest here.
Mmmmm, yeah, I'm gonna need all 27.
No, you can't do that.
No, no, I'm sorry, okay, because what you don't understand
is I'm not just holding clothes, no no no,
I'm holding outfits, okay?
I'm holding creations I have assembled in my mind.
I need to try on this sweater with this pair of pants
with this tank top underneath with this necklace
with this pair of shoes with these pair of cute glasses
and with this hat, and who's all up in here bein' serious,
six items?
Did Picasso make a picture with just two colors?
You are making me fail.
After losing that battle, I go into the change room, okay,
and here begins issue number two.
Because y'all have those curtains that
close the change room and not the door,
because y'all tryin' to be fancy.
Look at us, we don't have hinges!
But what you fail to realize is that
those curtains never close properly,
and they're so heavy and big,
so I'm tryin' to use my force and momentum,
like back, forward, to change this damn thing,
but every single time,
there's that crack that exposes me.
The point of having a change room
is so I don't have to shave my legs
and wear a nice bra.
But if you's up in here exposing me,
that defeats the purpose.
Now I gotta live all up in the corner of the change room
like a kid on time out.
And sometimes the change room does have a door,
but that presents another issue,
because the door is so high off the ground.
Now my whole lower body is exposed, okay?
Dog, same problems, I ain't shave my legs,
I'm wearing one sock,
how am I supposed to dance around, okay?
Now I can't even throw your clothes on the floor
after I'm done trying them on, okay?
My lower half is being judged.
What if I drop something and I have to pick it up?
My va-jay-jay is showing, 'kay, I'm short,
how is it supposed to work for
people that aren't tall, okay?
Not everyone is tall.
I ain't no Grace Helbig.
And now we move on to issue
number three with change rooms.
All the restrictions.
Today I went to Zara, okay,
and I wanted my friend, who styles me,
to come into the change room area to assist me,
but they were all like,
"No, she can't come into the change room area,"
and not like inside the dressing room,
I mean the general area she was not allowed in.
I'm like, "What the F?
"What if I need help?"
I'm all up in this change room tryin' to
zip up a dress from behind, and I can't do it,
so I'm like, note to self,
if you wanna shop at Zara, you have to be a contortionist.
Like, hold on, let me get this straight.
You think I'm gonna steal something with my friend?
Like, I understand your concern,
but can we be real for a sec, okay?
You already counted all my six items,
and now you've put that information everywhere,
you gave me the little tab that says six, okay,
you put a six on the door, you put a six on my hanger,
you wrote a six on your clipboard,
you put a friggen' six on my forehead,
God dammit, you might as well hire Drake,
put him in front of my change room,
just so you can be like,
"Oh, yep. That's the six right there."
Calm down.
Number two, mannequins.
So, I walk into a store, and I'm instantly feeling inspired,
because I see all these mannequins,
and they look hot as F, I'm staying straight up,
this mannequin right here is my Woman Crush Wednesday.
This mannequin is wearing the dopest outfit,
so I'm like, "Oh, my God.
"I'm gonna buy all of this."
I go find each item that the mannequin's wearing,
walk over to the change room full of confidence, okay?
I'm in the change room, I put on the outfit, I'm like,
"Oh, this is gonna be good."
I turn around, look at the mirror, and I'm like,
"Aahhhh!"
It's straight up a disaster.
I have never looked so horrible.
I swear to God,
it's like I walk into the change room on a Friday night,
put on these clothes,
somehow got teleported to Saturday morning,
now I'm hungover on the street,
and this is my new life.
None of the clothes fit me,
these pants made the mannequin look
like she had an on-point booty, okay?
These pants on me make me look like a
country that has zero unemployment, why?
Because there is no bum in sight.
I look like an effin' sailboat.
I look like a paper airplane
that wasn't assembled yet, okay?
It's bad.
Mannequins are the reason I have trust issues.
Number three, sizes.
So, I try on this T-shirt in a Small,
and it's, like, a little too tight.
You can literally see the Chipotle rice bowl
I ate through the shirt in my stomach.
So, I'm like, "I have no problem,
"I'll try on a Medium."
But now, I have no boobs, and I'm like,
"Okay, well, that's like, literally,
"the only thing I have going for me."
So, I need, like, a Smedium.
I am literally the in-between of every size I try on.
I need either a Smedium or, like a, Marge.
Simpson.
What up, T-shirt reference?
That was a really good one.
No, but for real, I can't be having these size issues, okay?
I already have way too many other things
goin' on in this change room.
And let's talk about the fact that I have to dress
appropriately to try on clothes.
I have to dress the part to try on clothes
and get dressed again.
And you know exactly what I'm talkin' about, okay,
'cause I tried on this outfit,
I'm already not wearing the right bra for it, okay,
I'm already not wearing the right panties for this,
so it looks horrible.
Like, these pants might be wonderful,
but today, I'm wearing my granny period panties,
and all I can see is that thick outline on my booty,
and it's ruining everything.
And if my hair and makeup aren't on point,
I'm gonna hate everything I try on,
because I don't look the part, okay?
You understand?
Are you hearing me, sweater?
Okay, so the least you could do is fit me.
You're selfish.
'Cause you know what I'm gonna do, right?
I'm gonna buy the damn Small and I'm gonna be
walkin' to the cash register like,
"Oh, don't worry, that's it,
"that's my motivation to start my diet, working out,
"this is gonna be my fitspiration right here, watch.
"Two weeks from now, totally gonna be nailing this T-shirt."
Yeah, I never wear the damn T-shirt!
T-shirt in my closet right now with the tag on it.
I don't work out.
Or, I buy the Medium and I show up to school the next day,
and they're like, "Oh my God,
"I'm so sorry your family lost their job."
No, no, man, they didn't.
No, no, I was just too fat for the smaller one,
you know what I mean?
No, thanks, though.
Number four, commission.
Hear me when I say people
don't just hurt people, okay?
Commission makes people hurt people.
And, yo, straight up,
I'm the last person to hate on anyone's hustle,
I get it, you wanna get that commission, girl, okay?
You want that new iPhone, you got bills to pay,
I respect that.
It's not so much what you're saying,
it's moreso that I have to pretend to listen to it.
Like, first, I'm gonna walk into your store,
and you're gonna stop me and be like,
"Hey, did you hear about our special sale just today?"
And I'm just like,
"Girl, you tryin' to make me feel all special,
"I know this is a real-life mass text message."
I'm gonna walk through your store, la-la-la-la-la,
I'm only gonna pick up one piece of clothing,
you're gonna run over and be like,
"Did you want me to start a change room for you?"
I'm gonna say yes, I'm gonna get into this change room,
I'm gonna try on clothes, then leave 45 seconds later,
you're gonna ask me if I'm fine,
and here's the thing, okay?
You're gonna ask me if I'm fine,
but it doesn't really matter what's
happening in that change room,
I'm gonna lie and say I'm perfect.
In reality, I'm stuck in this dress, okay?
Literally, I'm stuck, because apparently,
it has three sleeves, okay?
The tag is in my hair, okay?
And the zipper done pierced my nipple, okay?
But you're gonna be like, "Are you fine?"
And I'm gonna be like, "I'm fine, thank you!"
Girl, I don't trust you like that yet, okay?
Confiding in you with my problems.
And then when it comes to buying something,
you're gonna stop and tell me about this bonus card
point system y'all have you want me to register for,
this whole, "Buy 77 sweaters and get the
"78th for one percent off!"
I'm gonna tell you I'm not interested, okay,
unless it's free, in which case, sign me the F up.
Then you're gonna ask for my email address,
and I'm gonna lie and say you already have it, okay?
And then you're gonna try to upsell
me on some sort of shoe protector,
and I'm gonna lie again and tell you
that I already have it.
I'm gonna pay way too much for these clothes
that probably don't fit me, okay?
You're gonna give me my receipt,
and then you're gonna circle some ish on the receipt,
and be like, "If you fill out this survey,"
so girl, okay, I ain't fillin' out the survey.
You know it, I know it,
let's just stop living this lie.
(laughs)
Oh my God, the accuracy.
Number five, wearing the clothes.
So, I just bought all this dope stuff,
and I am so excited to wear it tomorrow,
I'm gonna look fresh to death, okay,
people gonna double-tap me in real life.
So the next day comes, I put on all these clothes,
I look in the mirror and I'm just like,
"What the F is this?
"None of the clothes fit me anymore,
"and they're hideous."
And I'm just like,
"How did I purchase these clothes
"yesterday with such confidence?
"Was I delusional yesterday?
"Maybe yesterday ate a salad, okay?
"And now today I'm my real, normal self,
"and maybe yesterday I was a size four,
"but now I realized, oh crap, am I actually a size six?"
How does this happen?
This happens to me all the time.
It's like I'm at a store and as soon
as I give them my money,
the clothes transform in the bag, okay?
And they're just like, "Oh, we got her.
"We don't have to impress her anymore.
"We can just let ourselves loose."
I swear to God, yo, it's just like a relationship, you know?
When you're in the dating phase,
and they're tryin' to impress you, you know,
boo got a six-pack, okay?
Four months later when y'all comfortable with each other,
now he looks like he's five months pregnant.
God dammit!
But what I wanna know is,
did I forget something?
Let me know something you hate and love about shopping.
Comment below,
and I will reply to as many as I can.
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Until next time, one love,
Superwoman, that is a wrap, and zoom!