- Hello, I'm Raphael, and this is
my friend Cuddles. - Hello!
- Cuddles and I live on opposite coasts,
and we're here to teach you about time zones.
(playful music)
- What's a time zone, Raphael?
- A time zone is a region that adheres to a uniform
standard time, the contiguous U.S. has four time zones!
- Wow, that's so cool!
- That means if it's 8:00 a.m. where you live in New York,
then it's 5:00 a.m. where I live in L.A.,
and don't fucking text me.
- Uh, wait, uh, Cuddles is confused.
- Ya shouldn't be, it's pretty goddamn easy.
- Uh...
- Let's say you're up cooking breakfast,
and your toast looks a little like
Abraham Lincoln! - The 16th President!
- Don't fucking text me.
That's not the graphic I ordered.
- I, I'm not, I just...
(mocking her stammering)
It's a children's show.
- You wanna work, right, you like havin' a job?
- Um...
- Even if you thought you saw me in a coffee shop
but then realized it couldn't have been me
because I don't fuckin' live there, don't fucking text me.
- Cuddles isn't having fun anymore.
- Oh, no, I bet a song would cheer you up!
- Yay, a song!
(piano flourish)
♪ When you wanna talk ♪
♪ Look at the clock ♪
♪ And read it right ♪
♪ Mess up this step ♪
♪ You better bet ♪
♪ That we will fight ♪
♪ This is the music ♪
♪ To help you learn ♪
- 'Cause seriously, you will catch these hands.
I don't wanna take it there 'cause I'm a peaceful dude,
but I am not the one, don't try me.
- Well, now that Cuddles has that down,
let's play the time quiz! - Yay!
(bouncy music)
I'll move the hands on the clock,
and you tell me what time it is!
- It's nine o'clock! - Yes!
Now, if it's 9:00 a.m. on the East Coast,
what time is it on the West Coast?
- Oh, Cuddles didn't think of that.
- (snickering) I know ya didn't, ya selfish piece of shit.
- Oh, I know, I know, it's six o'clock!
- Aw, I'm sorry, the answer I was looking
for is still too fucking early!
(bouncy music)
- But what about Daylight Saving?
- Doesn't fuckin' matter, Cuddles!
- But I mean, what is it, a Daylight Saving?
- Oh, right, so Daylight Saving has something to do
with farming or some shit. - No it doesn't.
- The point is, don't fuckin' text me
at 5:00 in the fuckin' morning.
- But Cuddles heard that Arizona
doesn't even have Daylight Saving.
- You don't live in Arizona, Mom!
Uh, Cuddles, and I will put you on Do Not Disturb.
- If Cuddles can't text you, what should he do instead?
- Oh, kill yourself, and I mean that.
Ah, (chuckles) just kidding, put it in an email.
That way, it's less disruptive,
and I can get to it in my own time.
- But what if Cuddles misses you so much
that he cannot wait for a response?
- I knew you were gonna pull this shit.
- Oh, I know, I know, I'll call you!
- Fun fact, if you've ever called my cell phone,
I hope your kids never learn to read.
- Is there ever a reason to text you at 5:00 a.m.?
- I'm glad you asked, Cuddles, now, if it's 5:00
in the cocksucking morning, ask yourself two questions.
One, am I being murdered?
And two, is there anything Raphael can do about it?
If the answer to either of those
questions is no, don't fucking text me!
- So does this mean that when you call your parents
at 7:00 p.m. for you, and they're old
and they just want to go to bed,
then it is 10:00 p.m. for them?
- Okay, this isn't about me!