We know this is what you're trying to accomplish. So, you use this method to get
your child to listen and behave. Let's jump on the first part of that. The
listen part. And Vicki, you can help us out with this because you are
communications expert. You work with kids all the time. How do we get our kids to
listen first of all? I think we need to change the quality of our communication.
-Right. So, mean what you say and say what you mean, right?
-Exactly. I like the way I've heard this put before that you turn your words from
garbage into gold. What effect are your words having currently on your kids? Does
it feel like they're treating your words like garbage? Like they don't pay any
attention to it? They don't care to what you say? Maybe we could increase the quality
of what you're saying so that they know what to expect.
Vicki, you said, "say what you mean and mean what you say." -If you realize that
you're not backing up what you say, if you're not following through and what
you say, go ahead and apologize and state it again and then follow through. -Say it
in the way that you mean it. -Right. -Can I share an example of that? We were living
in an apartment building where there were some young families. And the couple
right next to us had some children, there were about our kids ages. And so that was
always a lot of fun. But I remember they were packing up the car to go to
know a family event or something that was probably an hour's drive away. Their
3-year-old was sitting on the stairs. Refused to put on his shoes, get in the
car. It's the 2 or 3-year-olds do this sometimes. And I
heard the mom say, "Ben, if you don't put on your shoes we're leaving without you."
Okay, what does this three-year-old know for sure? -They know mom's not going to
leave them sitting on the stairs for a weekend trip, right? -It's totally an empty
threat, right? So, I just intervened. I had to. I said, "Leave him."
I'm kidding. [Laughs] You would never
leave your 3-year-old. So, don't offer that as a threat.
-Right. -You say what you mean and you mean what you say. It would be much
better for her to have said something like, "Ben, you can put your shoes on
yourself or I'll put them on for you. Which would you prefer?" And if he say,
"I don't want either." As she's putting them on for him. You see you can enforce one of
those. But say what you mean mean what you say.
Turning your words from garbage to gold takes some thinking.
It really got... -Sorry. -Yeah. -And so, you want to start thinking about what you're
going to say so that your kids think about what you've said. They're going to do
the thinking after you've spoken and you're gonna do the thinking before
you've spoken. -Ooh, I love that. Because if we speak before we think, sometimes we
say something we didn't really mean. -And we'll go back to something we've said
before. Remember that every interaction you have with your child, you're inviting
them to either think or fight. So, let's do our thinking so that we can invite
them to think. -Now, disclaimer: Usually when you say
something you don't really mean or when you blow your top or you lose your cool,
it's because in the moment, it's really hard to come up with something to think
on your feet. And Vicki, you introduced a solution for that early on. And that is
IF... And I know this isn't going to happen as much... Alright,
if you were to blow your top or when you say something you didn't really mean,
apologize. -Yeah. Own it, apologize and restate it. -And it's okay to say that to
your kids. "Oh, you know what? I said that impulsively that's not exactly what I
meant. I'm sorry. Here's what I really mean." And
then give them what you've thought about now. So, let me see if I could track that
right, Vicki. Because I think it's brilliant.
You start thinking before you say something to your child so that they
will start thinking after you said something to them. -That's it. -Let's do
the thinking first and that will invite our kids to think. Love it. -This next one
can be really challenging and it's going to take some practice. And that is to detach
yourself from the outcome. That's a really hard one. -You
mean the thing you want your kid to do? You got to detach from the outcomes? This is
challenging. -It is very hard. -Probably one of the hardest things we're going to ask
you to do as a parent. But it's important for a lot of reasons. And one of the
reasons that comes to mind for me is problem ownership --who owns the problem? A
basic rule of psychology is that whoever owns the problem is most likely to solve
it. -Right. -Here's how you can tell who owns the problem: Who's worried about it?
Who's most bothered..? But now you're chuckling because you know where this is
landing, right? Usually, we as parents are more concerned about or worried about
whatever the problem is then our kids are. That creates a dynamic where we now
become the most likely ones to solve it. What I would suggest to you if you
really want your kids to start behaving differently is that you move the problem
from your shoulders right on over to their little shoulders. -Now, that doesn't
just happen automatically. You know, you and your team --your parenting team are
going to have to figure out how to make it more important. How to get their child
to get on board that it becomes more important to them. -We spent almost a
half-hour on this just in one of the groups that I was leading last week. Our
positive parenting groups this comes up all the time. And as we were working it
out, it became apparent... Well first of all, the mom that was the focus of this part
of our group, "She said, "Ugh! It's my problem." I just saw the lights go on for her.
Because it was a little painful at first. But then she realized, "Okay..." -"So, how do I
shift that?" -"This is not going to stay my problem. We're going to shift it over." And so, we
talked about ways that she could just remain so calm and cool. And it was
exciting to see her latch onto this. Because she could say for example, here's
a tool. "No problem." You know, when your child is being defiant or they're saying,
"I'm not going to do that." Or they don't listen. You simply come back with "No
problem." You sit with a little to your voice, you raise your eyebrows
just a touch because that makes them nervous.
It means no problem for you as a parent. -For me as a parent. -No problem for me.
Possible problem coming up for you. But I trust you to do some good thinking about
that. See how that shifts the problem right on over to their shoulders. And the
only way you can do that is if you are truly detached from the outcome where
you're okay with either way. "Hey, you can do what I asked you to or not. It's
really up to you." Now, that's going to blow them away. They're going to be like, "Wait,
it used to work." Right? But it's because you've come up
with you've done some thinking in advance. We've already talked about
thinking. You've done some thinking in advance you've got some effective
consequences that you can enforce 100%. You don't need their buy-in. You don't
need them to be happy about it. So, you're really okay with either way. You can do
this or not do it. It's up to you. Do some good thinking. "I'm okay with either way."
See how detached I am from the outcome? And that gives you some power. As you
apply what we just talked about, as you detach yourself from the outcome, I
mentioned that you smile. You have a pleasant face, okay? Calm voice, calm face,
calm body. That's something else that we've talked about as well here on the
channel. Be kind, be nice. Now nice doesn't mean indulgent. Nice doesn't mean that
you bail them out from the consequences. It means that you show up as a smiling,
pleasant, nice parent. And then you follow through with those consequences. -And
that's probably going to be... At least for me as a mom, it was one of my hardest. It
was being consistent with the consequences. Just really start to focus
on "How can I be consistent?" Because that really is the key to changing your words
from garbage to gold so that they actually listen. -You use these methods.
Your kids are going to start listening and behaving. I don't know if you've had a
chance yet to really explore what options and resources are available to
you through the channel obviously. But we've got coaching programs. We've got
digital programs. All kinds of things that are available
to you for any budget. Let's get you connected with one of our
live on purpose certified coaches. Go to DrPaulJenkins.com
/breakthroughcall.