- The ball is gonna drop in one hour.
It's 11 o'clock at night on New Year's Eve.
I was wearin' this same garb with the intentions
of going to a Great Gatsby party.
I never made it to the party.
Me and my date walk into a bar.
Can you imagine what the bar scene is like
at 11:00 p.m. downtown Dallas?
It is mayhem. (lively instrumental music)
Now, I wanna get out in front of this and tell you,
this is an advanced breakdown of what happened.
Most people are not gonna wanna get as granular as I am.
If you're just getting started,
I'd suggest you click right up here
to watch a video where I talk about what I did
at a bar when somebody made fun of my hair.
It's a little more basic and simple,
but in this video, I'm gonna get pretty advanced.
If you consider yourself advanced, you're gonna enjoy it,
and if you consider yourself advanced
and still wanna see that video,
I'll put a link at the end so you can go to it as well.
So it's 11 o'clock on New Year's Eve,
and you know bars are hoppin' at that point,
right, they're full, but we walked in,
and there were three chairs at this bar.
And there was a purse in one of 'em,
and there were people at the left and people at the right
and two guys standing to the right.
So there's basically two chairs,
three chairs that may be open.
The purse, who knows what was goin' on with that.
So what I did is I suggested as we walked up there
to the girl that I'm with, and I said,
hey, why don't we find out whose chairs these are?
Worst case scenario, you could probably sit in this one
right here, and I'll just stand,
we'll be able to get a drink and kinda get the night
goin' and see where it goes from there.
And so as we walk up there, a gentleman who's pretty drunk
with a strong accent is one of the two over to the right,
and he says to me, it happened very fast,
he says to me, he says, "Oh, these chairs here,
"this one here and this and this,"
and I couldn't tell if he was basically saying
they were his or the people he's with.
I had no idea what was going on.
So I stayed just very calm, and I said, oh, no problem
right here, we're gonna get a drink at the bar.
If this one's open, she's gonna sit there, okay?
The most important thing I did there
was I didn't jump into his frame and get all frazzled,
oh man, I'm sorry, we didn't mean break in here,
or oh, dude, we're just tryin' to sit down right here.
Those aren't your chairs, where is everybody?
None of that, calm, strong, calm tonality.
Oh man, no problem, we're just gonna get a drink here.
If this chair's open, she's gonna sit there.
You hear my tone of voice, it's convincing.
When people are drunk, the tone of voice that you use
when you speak with a strong, calm, slow tonality,
they totally get sucked into your frame.
I mean, somebody can be so drunk in all fairness
they're just not even hearin' anything you say,
but in this case, he was with it enough
that it calmed him down a little bit,
and this isn't a tonality video.
You can touch or click up here to grab
a free tonality checklist where I'll take you
through a lotta things in more depth there.
But my tone of voice was very nice and calm,
and he slowed down a little bit,
but he was basically still sayin' stuff about the chairs.
I didn't understand what was going on.
I couldn't tell if he was with the other guy.
It was just too chaotic with the accent as well
that I didn't know, so what I said is, I said,
you, to the girl I'm with, you sit down in this chair,
and if anyone says anything, I'm gonna deal with it then.
I'm gonna handle this guy.
So then, I just slowly walked straight chest to this guy
knowing he'd naturally back off a little bit
to give me a little bit of room
so I clear distance from him and her,
'cause what was my concern at that point?
One thing, for her to be comfortable,
I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable.
You as a man, I feel like, should take responsibility
for the date that you're with or the other people
that you're with and lead and show them
they can be comfortable around you
then count on you for that.
It's a very strong skill to have.
So I cleared a little, it's not confrontational,
like back up, buddy, just literally like half a step
to start, so she's back here in the chair,
right here, and he's right here.
Now I got a little distance, right?
You know, how you doin', buddy?
How's your night goin', what's goin' on?
I didn't completely understand what's goin' on
with the chairs, how are ya, right?
And then, the thing changes, right?
He gets more calm, he's talking slower,
I can understand, and the other guy got outta there.
I don't think he even knew the other guy,
so maybe somebody he bombarded at the bar as well.
But we're talkin' to him, and basically,
he's still talkin' really fast,
and I'm not able to get too much sense.
I'm looking what's going on with the girl,
and there's an older lady right next to her.
They're talking, and it looks like it's going well.
They seem like they're conversing fine,
she doesn't seem tense at all.
So I start talkin' to this guy,
but it's right on the verge.
He's very like over the top, he's telling,
like, he's telling me, he's like, "You sit right here.
"You sit right here, she sit right here," right?
And it's like nobody's gonna tell me what to do,
but I'm not gonna be the tough guy,
like, don't tell me what to do, I'll sit,
it wasn't there yet.
So I'm tryin' to walk the fine line.
If you remember the video where I talk
about the short guy trying to make fun of me
and sayin' stuff, I didn't pound him
and say, get outta here, short stuff.
I was like, hey, cool, man, just ignore it.
If you ever can, and this was one of those instances,
by the way, you can click on that video right here
to watch, if you want, the short guy makin' fun of me.
But I wanted to be as cool as possible.
It was New Year's Eve, I don't wanna start the night out
bein' rude to somebody, you know?
So I'm walkin' this line, keeping an eye on her
the whole time because if the person she was
talking to, she was uncomfortable there,
well, now I have to do something.
I'd be like, listen, dude, I'm sorry,
I can't be listening to what you're saying right now,
maybe I'll talk to you in a little bit,
turn, address that, buffer this conversation right here.
I'm constantly pinging in a okay way.
I'm not pinging like around the environment.
I'm just pinging, checking to be sure
that she's okay 'cause that's my number one thing.
So I'm buying myself more time to see if this guy
is somebody who needs to be checked and put in his place
or if his intentions are good, and he's right on that line.
So I was like, no, I was like, I just got here,
I feel like standin', man, but anyway, what's goin' on?
He's like, "I think I've seen you before."
Like, "I dunno, maybe you come around here?"
And I was like, nah, I've only been here twice in my life.
He's like, "Oh, interesting."
And then, because I was holding that calm tone,
that calm demeanor, I'm not buying in the frazzle thing,
he starts coming down, just like we know
when you hold your frame, people will slowly
get sucked into that frame, so he's calmin' down
and was like, "Oh, actually," he's like,
"I just moved here about six months ago.
"I'm a dentist," this and this,
and now he's making more sense, I can tell.
And in all honesty, he's trying to converse now,
because even though he was pretty tipsy,
he was with it enough to know what he was doing.
He was trying to be scattered around,
he was trying to get me kinda worked up and scattered
and do what he says because what I later found out,
what he said actually right after that
was his mother had flown into town
who was the gal that the girl I was with was talking with,
and his two brothers were down there.
So does it make sense now?
He wants to look like the big dog to his family.
They never come in town, one of them's from Scottsdale,
so he wanted to show that he could
orchestrate this whole bar, you know,
you guys sit here, you do this,
hey, this and this and this,
but it was too much for me just to fall into that frame.
If he would've been a little more chill,
like, hey, these two seats are open,
you guys are welcome to sit there, I would,
but like, "You sit here, you sit here,"
I think he was like touching my shoulder,
not aggressively, it was just too much
for me to fall into a complaint, supplicative role.
But I'm glad I didn't bulldoze him,
like, buddy, who do you think you are?
I just got here, leave me alone,
go talk to somebody in the back.
Then, it handles it, right?
There's no risk in that except for maybe
lookin' like a little bit of a jerk
to the girl that I'm with, but now his family sees that,
and he's tryin' to look good in front of his family.
That's not cool, man, you wanna
build people up when you can.
So what I did by buying that time,
by keeping an eye on the girl that I was with,
be sure in the conversation was fine with her,
she was okay, not checkin' him,
you know, the old Charlie Murphy thing, I had to check him.
I didn't have to check him, I bought time to see
what his intentions were.
Now, most people, just being able to deal
with that situation, like, if they felt confident
just goin' up to him and being like,
no, buddy, we just got here, it's just us, you know,
we just wanna have a little conversation on our own,
they'd be happy with that.
And that is important that you know how to do that
and you're comfortable you can do in there,
'cause that's the only way you can
walk into a situation like that.
'Cause let me tell you, most people who don't even know
that they could handle that situation,
even in that very basic just brow-beating way,
how's that gonna impact them, okay?
Lemme tell you, this is very important.
They're gonna walk in with a girl,
she's gonna see those open spots at the bar,
and you're gonna be hesitant.
You're gonna be like, ah, maybe we should go around here,
maybe we shouldn't go up there.
If you go up there, you're gonna be timid.
The minute he says something to you,
you go, oh, are those your seats?
Sorry, man, hey, sorry.
How do you look to her?
You don't look like a man who can handle your business!
C'mon, you gotta figure this stuff out!
So the very baseline thing to learn
is just how to handle it through brute force.
When I say brute force, I don't mean any
physical escalation, I just mean by saying
what's the most simple thing you could say when he comes up,
hey, hey, these chairs here, what about this.
Hey man, not worried about the chairs.
I'm just here, we're just gettin' a drink.
Okay, all good, happy New Year.
You could handle it that way, but now you both leave,
what does it do to the energy of both of you?
Meh, down, right?
How do you think this ended by me walkin' this line
of finesse and bouncin' over here,
bouncin' to her and seein', walkin' the line,
oh, he's cool, now he's fine again,
his intentions are good.
I ended up talkin' to the dude for five minutes.
It was fine, he was friendly.
Like I said, he just moved here, he was a dentist,
he had good intentions, he was excited his family was here,
and he wanted to look cool in front of 'em.
So when they finally left about 10 minutes later,
they were all goin' home, he was hammered.
I think the rest of the family was pretty sober.
But I felt good 'cause he felt good with his family.
It was a good interaction.
I was talkin' to her, I was like,
that was kinda wild, I was keepin' my eye on you,
you looked like you were cool with lady.
She was like, "Oh, yeah, absolutely, kinda fine."
And another thing I wanna point out
is the gal that I was with, she's a social gal, right?
If I was with some very timid gal,
like, I would know that 90% of the time,
putting her at the bar with somebody she doesn't know
in a chaotic environment while I'm bouncin' around
with this guy, you know, flyweight,
she's not gonna feel good about that.
But I knew going in, so I kept that in the calibration
in my head, assessing the probability of her
being okay there, which bought me more time, you know?
And if I woulda thought maybe she was only
half as social as she was, maybe half as comfortable
and social as the way she was,
I'd of walked that line a little bit tighter,
and maybe I wouldn't have even had enough time
to deal with the guy the way I did.
Maybe it would've just come to the fact,
listen, guy, love to talk to you a little bit.
I gotta get back here, we're gonna get drinks here,
she's gonna sit in this chair, we'll talk to you
in a bit, right?
Just tell him what's goin' on,
'cause do you really think at that point,
when you talk like that and you have confidence like that,
you know, she's gonna sit in this chair,
we're gonna grab a couple drinks,
maybe we'll talk to you in a bit,
do you think he's really gonna say,
no you're not sittin' in that chair.
No, he's not gonna say that, there's no chance
he's gonna say that when you deliver it correctly.
Now, what if said, hey, man, like I can't talk to you now,
I'm a little bit worried about her, but if it's okay,
she's gonna sit in that chair as we get a drink?
Any drunk wants any time that he can flex, right?
Especially in front of his family.
You know what he's gonna say 90% of the time?
As opposed to 90% of the time him being like,
yeah, cool, whatever, it's all good,
he's gonna be like, no, that chair's reserved.
She can't sit there.
You make yourself a weak target.
Being socially strong and confident
is such a self-fulfilling prophesy,
which is why the people who don't feel confident
in these environments, it's reinforced,
and they keep beating, getting beaten and beaten and beaten
'cause they're the easy target.
'Cause everyone's trying to, and I know a lotta people
like won't listen to this video
if people haven't been in bars or restaurants
or high-social-stress scenes or high-value scenes
in a long time, and they're like,
you're overthinkin' it, bro, like,
or why would you even go to an environment like that?
Why do you need to do that?
Well, there's a lotta reasons to do that,
but people are always looking to improve
their status and lower other people's status,
it's something we gotta do.
Just like in third grade when people are makin' fun
of somebody, hah, look at the fat boy!
They're doin' that 'cause it makes them look better, right?
They're putting the other person in their place,
exerting higher status.
In a bar environment, a lotta times when there's single,
guys and girls, this stuff goes up massively.
So everyone's always looking for an easy target
where they can boost and build themselves off that.
It's kind of a hard truth.
So when you go up, even if you just say,
the difference between saying,
hey, can she sit in that seat,
well, if you say it like that,
hey, can she sit in that seat while we get a drink?
He's gonna do it, but the tonality indicates it,
versus, is it okay if she sits in that seat?
Do you think that's okay?
If you use that supplicative tone,
you understand what a supplicative tonality is?
Supplicative, neutral, and rapport breaking.
Rapport breaking's like a cop.
Hey, do you mind if she sits in that seat?
Neutral, hey, do you mind if she sits in that seat?
Supplicative, hey, do you mind if she sits in that seat?
If you don't understand this,
get that tonality checklist, it's free.
Just get it right now, you need it.
But those are the things you need to understand.
So I didn't make myself an easy target.
If I needed to do that, I absolutely could have
by telling him to do that, but it's always sad to me
when I see guys out and they're trying,
you conclude they're trying to look good to their date.
They don't realize they have a kick me sign
on their forehead and on their butt
by the way that they're talking.
It's just so hard for people who are trying to look good
to not stair-step off that guy's back
that they know is such an easy target.
'Cause what's the chance, what do you think is the chance
if I say, hey, do you mind if she sits
in that chair just while we get a drink?
We'll just be outta here real quick.
Like, just hearing me say that,
what's the chance somebody's not gonna use that in a bar?
Like, in a normal environment during the day
at a coffee shop, people go, oh, absolutely,
man, sure, that's fine.
But in a bar, no!
They're gonna be like, no, man, get outta here.
No, you can't sit in that chair.
That's what they're gonna do, but if you say,
hey, she's gonna sit in that chair,
and we're gonna get drink, and then in a minute,
maybe we'll talk to you.
95% of the time, it's gonna go over well.
You need to understand that.
Now, this story is a real-life example
of something that happened to me a few days ago.
If you're not following me on Instagram,
you're missing out on a ton of content like this.
I'm putting a lot more time into this,
a lotta videos only on Instagram
that won't be here on YouTube,
so go CharismaMatrix and be sure to follow me.
You're getting a lotta behind-the-scenes stuff
that's cool that's gonna help you out a lot.
Now, have you seen this video right here
where these dudes try to make fun of my hair
in front of my date?
It's a pretty good one, it's pretty funny.
Three drunk guys, they just got hammered,
and I was with this very cute girl,
and I left to go to the bathroom and I came back,
and the tides has turned a little bit.
So if you wanna see that one, you can click right here.
If you haven't seen this video,
I suggest you click right there to watch it.
I'll talk to you in one of those videos now.