[elevator opens]
This is like “The Shining.”
Except, instead of two creepy twins at the end of the hall,
there’s just Bruno Mars and he’s smaller than the twins.
Bruno always looks like he’s either dressed for bedtime or karate.
Like... ‘Are those pajamas?’
‘Is he the valet?’
I know, whenever I go to a hotel, the first thing I ask is, ‘Will my shirt match this elevator?’
This is the part in the music video where your mom goes, ‘And who is Zendaya?’
‘Are we supposed to know who that is?’
Whenever me and a lady walk up to our hotel rooms and lock eyes like that,
she's always like 60 years older than Zendaya but then the rest of the video still happens.
Zendaya is so much taller than Bruno Mars.
It makes their 10-year age difference just a little less gross.
Who’s Zendaya? Am I supposed to know who that is?
[Bruno starts playing the piano]
That’s not really the noise a piano makes.
Ah! This is a special instrument called “The Grand Casio.”
What is going on in this hotel?
Are you supposed to sleep on the piano?
The minibar is like filled with Christmas lights?
This is like one of those weird modern hotels where you have to like sleep in a giant hand.
‘Our turn-down service includes fancy chocolate macaroons,’
‘facial scrub, a man next door singing about how he wants to do you.’
‘And a towel in the shape of a giraffe.’
How comes Zendaya looks so great in this dress?
But every time I wrap myself up in tin foil, people call me “The Baked Potato Kid.”
What actually is she wearing?
Looks like one of those things they give you after you run a marathon.
Guys, I don’t know about you.
But this dress looks blue to me.
I think it's blue and black. You know what I’m talking about?
That dress is gold and white.
♪ What we’re feeling inside... ♪
There's so much purple in this video, it would make Grimace horny.
♪ Ooh, I love that dress But you won’t need it anymore ♪
I love the idea of sexing someone so good, they no longer need the concept of clothing.
Like, ‘Yeah, rain doesn’t bother me anymore.’
‘I had sex with Bruno Mars.’
‘Julio, get the dress!’
♪ Versace on the floor ♪
Now this is cool.
This is a fun fact.
This entire video was shot on a Lazy Susan.
♪ Versace on the floor ♪
This is excellent brand integration.
I wonder how many brands he had to go through before he’d came up with Versace.
♪ Michael Kors on the floor ♪
♪ Tom Ford on the porch ♪
♪ Skechers on the shore ♪
I once wrote a similar song called “Old Navy on the Futon.”
Cargo shorts are half-off.
♪ Unzip the back And watch it fall ♪
Wait... Does Bruno Mars have telekinetic powers?
Is he Eleven? And he looks eleven?
He’s a ghost!
“Ghost Perv”: He's been dead the whole time.
Apparently, the technology for ghosts unzipping clothes hasn't progressed since Dan Aykroyd got a ghost BJ.
♪ While I kiss your neck and shoulders ♪
This definitely isn’t one of Bruno Mars’s more subtle love songs.
But it's still better than “You and me baby / Making love like gorillas”
What is the age difference between these two?
It’s not that creepy because Bruno is following the rule for dating younger women.
Half your age plus seven years minus one year for every inch taller than you she is.
Is this what kids are into now? Necks?
Is this why Mitch McConnell’s so popular with the teens?
♪ Don’t be afraid to show it all ♪
It's probably not a good idea for him to have a clear piano ‘cause we can see your boner through it.
♪ I’ll be right here ready to hold ya ♪
So this close-up actually brings up an important question.
Is this dress actually Versace?
“Zendaya, styled by Law Roach, dons a custom gold chainmail minidress with dramatic bell sleeves,”
“a low neckline and an exposed zipper to highlight Mars’ lyrics.”
[DOUG, off set] Told you it was gold.
Damn it!
But I see blue and black!
♪ ... your heels ♪
There’s so much blacklight in this hotel room.
It’s impossible that that bed doesn’t look like a CSI crime scene.
There’d be way more than Versace on that floor.
♪ So just turn down the li— ♪
This is what happens when you don’t release the video until like a year after the song comes out.
Zendaya already knows all the words.
How does she already know the song and all the lyrics?
Did he slip the sheet music under the door?
Zendaya seems to already know the words to this song, which makes me think this is a nightly occurrence.
Is this gonna be like, ‘My mom is visiting. Could you play Uptown Funk?’
‘She really wants to hear that one.’
♪ Versace on the floor ♪
Ooh...
This is an effective song. I feel like fucking wall right now.
This is the most action a wall has gotten since the Trump campaign.
Come on, everybody. We had to. Someone had to. It was gonna be me.
Or Doug. Or Mar— It was gonna be one of us. Come on!
Dance.
So. Many. Noise. Complaints.
♪ (It’s warming up) Can you feel it? ♪
Look guys. I’ve only had sex twice.
But it's never a great sign if you have to ask a woman, ‘Can you feel it? How about now?’
‘What about now?’
If you sound like the Verizon guy when you're having sex, you’re not doing it right.
It does make sense though if he’s a ghost that he’s asking, ‘Can you feel it?’
He’s just confirming if his ghost pervy powers work in the real world.
Like if they have tangible results.
♪ ... floor ♪
♪ Oh... ♪
It seems like she's getting the order wrong.
Like, you’re taking off your clothes and then you’re going over?
You’re gonna have sex and then you’re gonna put on a condom?
If you‘re gonna take your clothes off before going outside,
just go through the hole in the wall, where the cameras have been going back and forth.
This is clearly a song that you sing at the beginning of a relationship.
Then you get married, you settle down and becomes, ‘Really? Versace on the floor?’
‘Socks next to the hamper?’
‘Toenail clippings by the toilet?’
Or a little song I like to sing to my wife,
♪ Not my turn to scoop cat turds ♪