THANKS SO MUCH.
LET'S MOVE RIGHT INTO THE HEADLINES.
LAST WEEK, HOUSE CHAPLAIN PATRICK CONROY WAS FORCED TO
RESIGN UNDER PRESSURE FROM SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE PAUL RYAN.
HOWEVER, FATHER CONROY NOW SAYS HE WILL NOT STEP DOWN BECAUSE HE
BELIEVES RYAN'S DECISION WAS POLITICALLY BIASED.
BASICALLY: HE'S JUST LIKE JESUS.
THEY THOUGHT HE WAS GONE AND THEN THREE DAYS LATER HE WAS
LIKE, "NOPE, I'M BACK."
BUT PAUL RYAN HAS RELENTED AND LET THE CHAPLAIN STAY ON.
I HAVEN'T SEEN PAUL RYAN BACK DOWN THAT FAST SINCE-- THE LAST
TIME HE HAD AN ARGUMENT.
THIS IS GOING TO MAKE IT AWKWARD NOW AT MASS, THE PRIEST IS GOING
TO BE HANDING OUT COMMUNION WAFERS TO PAUL RYAN LIKE, "BODY
OF CHRIST."
OOP, WHERE IS IT, IT'S GOING TO GO!
(APPLAUSE) >> James: AND WE HAVE TO TELL
YOU ABOUT THIS.
A NORTH CAROLINA MEAT SUPPLIER HAS RECALLED 35,000
POUNDS OF GROUND BEEF AFTER CUSTOMERS COMPLAINED THAT IT
CONTAINED PIECES OF HARD, BLUE PLASTIC.
>> OOH.
>> James: OOH INDEED.
SO NOW IF YOU GET A McDONALD'S HAPPY MEAL, YOUR BURGER IS BOTH
THE MEAL AND THE TOY.
THE BEEF CONTAINS DANGEROUS PIECES OF BLUE PLASTIC.
AND TODAY MOTHERS EVERYWHERE SAID, "JUST PICK AROUND IT AND
EAT YOUR DINNER."
MOVING ON, A NEW HAMPSHIRE MAN WHO WENT HIKING AND WAS REPORTED
MISSING BY HIS WIFE NOW OWES THE GOVERNMENT THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS
FOR THE SEARCH EFFORT, BECAUSE, WHEN THEY FOUND HIM, HE HAD BEEN
STAYING IN A LUXURY HOTEL.
HE HAS TO PAY THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS.
AND THAT'S JUST FOR EATING THE MACADAMIA NUTS FROM THE
MINI-BAR.
THIS GUY TOLD HIS WIFE HE WAS GOING FOR A HIKE AND ENDED UP
RESTING IN A LUXURY HOTEL.
I DON'T SEE WHAT THE BIG DEAL IS, I DO THAT EVERY WEEKEND.
THE MASSIVE SEARCH OPERATION INCLUDED 25 RESCUERS, SNOW
VEHICLES, AND A NATIONAL GUARD HELICOPTER, WHICH TELLS YOU ONE
THING-- THE MISSING PERSON WAS DEFINITELY A WHITE MALE.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) >> James: THIS IS AN ODD
STORY.
A MAN IN KANSAS WAS TASERED AND ARRESTED AFTER HE WAS CAUGHT
ATTEMPTING TO HAVE SEX WITH THE TAILPIPE OF A CAR.
I MEAN, I'VE HEARD OF BLOWING A GASKET BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
IN THE MAN'S DEFENSE, HE WAS JUST TRYING TO GET CHEVRO-LAID.
(LAUGHTER) >> James: AND FINELY, THIS IS
A SAD STORY.
A MAN IN INDIA, SAW A PUPPY WAS STUCK IN A STORM
DRAIN, SO HE WENT HOME, BUILT A DRONE AND CAME BACK TO RESCUE
THE DOG.
TAKE A LOOK.
MY MAIN QUESTION IS: HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO BUILD A DRONE?
I THOUGHT IT TOOK MONTHS, I CAN'T GET DRESSED THAT FAST.
YOU KNOW THIS GUY IS GOING TO BE SO SMUG WHEN HE TALKS TO OTHER
DOG OWNERS.
"OH, YOUR DOG'S A RESCUE?
I LITERALLY RESCUED MINE."
HE PULLED IT OUT AND EVERYONE HAD A GOOD LAUGH.
TO BE CLEAR, I'M STILL TALKING ABOUT THAT GUY WHO HAD SEX WITH
THE CAR.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) >> James: IT SHOULD SAY, THE
DOG IS FINE, AND EVEN RECENTLY WENT ON TO HELP HIS
BASKETBALL TEAM WIN THE CHAMPIONSHIP.