The Pendulum Swing In Healing
Healing implies that some form of positive improvement is taking place.
At its most fundamental level,
It means that a pattern is being changed for the better.
It is the opposite of redundancy and repetition.
Essentially it's to change a pattern that is unwanted,
into a pattern that is wanted.
And so often what this means
is that we're changing a pattern into its opposite.
For example, if we are lonely,
to heal is to achieve togetherness.
Or if a bone is broken, to heal is for it to mend.
Or if we feel powerless, to heal, is to feel empowered.
To understand healing and depth, you can watch my video titled:
What is Healing?
But there is an unhealthy pattern
that can arise when somebody is in the process of healing;
It is a pattern that is mistaken easily for healing...
It is when somebody swings to the opposite manifestation
of unhealthy.
Essentially, they create a pendulum swing.
It is very common that when people begin to heal,
they swing this pendulum to the opposite side,
I mean, the far opposite side in their mind,
of what they're experiencing.
And by doing so,
simply experience the dysfunction inherent in the opposite end of the scale.
It's a dramatic reaction, instead of a deliberately chosen response.
So you can understand what I mean by this,
I've got several examples;
The best example of this can be seen through the example
of somebody who has a codependent style of relating to other people.
Now I'm really open,
especially when I'm talking on stage about the fact
that narcissism and codependency is not really any kind of a disorder,
what it is is a dysfunctional style of holding a relationship.
So, people who experience codependency or who you would label as a codependent
are people who come from a dysfunctional home;
Whether they admit to it or not.
In a dysfunctional home,
the underlying emotional experience
is actually: "Every man for himself".
Now, there may be a lot of gaslights over this,
but that's the true reality of that emotional experience in the home.
When every man is for himself,
there really is no experience of:
"We take each other's best interests as a part of ourselves",
there's no such thing as:
"I can really have a sense of self, and have you
and closeness with you, at the same time".
Those are two concepts that don't really exist.
What this does,
is it makes it so that everybody begins to adapt a narcissistic strategy.
So, basically, the budding narcissist
starts to vie for their own best interests in very direct ways.
The codependent begins to vie for their own best interests and needs
in very covert ways.
They give up their self to please the narcissistic people around them
so that those people will meet their needs.
Codependency is a backdoor narcissistic strategy.
But because this codependent, or the person who has this style
of codependency in relationships,
has never actually tasted what it is to be able to have a sense of self,
but to have closeness and connection with other people at the same time,
I mean it's literally not a concept they even grasp,
they can only conceptualize of healing from codependency,
by swinging the pendulum to the opposite extreme;
by starting to drastically vie for their own best interests against others.
The codependent becomes narcissistic thinking that doing so is healing,
but it's just swinging the pendulum to the opposite unhealthy extreme.
And they will suffer and also cause everyone else in their life to suffer,
because of having swung to this opposite extreme.
Another example is:
Let's imagine that somebody has all kinds of trauma
around taking on too much responsibility.
Let's say that they were just saddled with burden at the beginning of their life.
Let's say that they were somebody
who was forced to raise all of their younger siblings.
They didn't ask for it, it was just done to them.
This person may begin to heal
and swing the pendulum all the way over to the point where they're unreliable,
flaky and refuse to take any responsibility.
Because of this, they suffer the consequences that exist
at this side of dysfunction.
Such as, losing relationships, being unable to hold down a job,
others losing respect for them completely
and being totally stuck in life.
They will suffer and also cause others to suffer
from that new unhealthy extreme.
Another example is let's say that somebody felt a lot of pain
around the fact that they felt so powerless to the way they felt
and to other people in their life experience.
This person may be attracted to,
you know, ideologies that suggest
that the way to take complete control
over the way you feel and also your reality
is to completely ignore the negative
and also to get rid of all the negative people in your life.
They may begin to build a narcissistic bubble reality for themselves alone.
Because of this, they and others around them
will suffer from that new dysfunctional extreme.
Another example is,
Let's imagine that a person is addicted;
Now, their addiction serves as a strategy
to avoid the pain that they're feeling inside of themselves.
so they're essentially trapped in this never-ending game of:
"run away from the self
and the negative emotions that I'm inevitably feeling".
Let's say that this person hears about shadow work
and suddenly, within the idea of shadow work
they have the potential
that they might figure out what that pain is really about,
and they might be able to resolve it.
This person may begin to heal and swing the pendulum
all the way over to obsessively doing
difficult shadow work processes all the time.
This runs their nervous system into the ground,
making their mental emotional and physical bodies raw,
being unable to effectively integrate and process and apply
what they gain awareness of,
and effectively giving themselves the damaging message
that something is wrong with them that must be fixed, and immediately.
Shadow work then, just becomes another form of self-abuse.
Just to the opposite end of the scale of running away from oneself.
Because of this, they will suffer and cause everyone in their life to suffer.
Another example is,
Let's imagine that somebody is really hurt by somebody else.
They may experience the pain of being connected and dependent on other people,
and so, when they go to this space of healing,
they may simply swing the pendulum all the way over to the opposite extreme
where they disconnect from other people and become fiercely independent.
Because of this, they slip into the illusion
that it's possible to be separate and to not depend on anything or anyone.
They push people away.
Deep down, they know they are very very alone.
They behave in ways that harm others
because they are not genuinely connected to them,
but because they're disconnected, they don't even realize it.
They and others will suffer from that new dysfunctional extreme.
Another example is,
let's imagine that somebody is super excited and super hopeful,
but they experience something where they get a crash
of complete and total disappointment.
Now, on the path of "healing"
this person may swing the pendulum to the total opposite extreme.
By doing so,
they may think that bad things are always going to happen,
they may adopt that sort of negative thinking strategy,
they may be a person who lets themselves down
and discourages themselves
before the world ever has a chance to do it,
they may devolve into a complete cynic.
Because of this,
they end up chronically stuck in the negative,
they maintain a pattern of self-sabotage,
their negative mentality and behavior
causes others to deny them of the kindness, reliability and sweetness
that they actually crave deep down.
They and others, will suffer greatly from this new dysfunctional extreme.
By now, after these examples,
I think you get the picture.
I don't want you to think that what i'm advocating for here,
or the healthy thing to do
is for a human being to strive for some sort of state of balance.
It's not possible for people to conceive of balance,
without also adding in the concept of adding or subtracting.
This is also the idea behind the limiting concept
of balancing work and play,
by either working more or working less,
depending on what is needed to achieve
equal parts of work and play, for example.
If you live your life according to balance, you're going to be exhausted.
because you're never going to be able to do the homework
as to exactly how much to add or subtract,
or arrive at that perfect sweet spot.
It's not going to happen for you.
On top of that, you're not going to be able to fully self-actualize
because you're going to be so focused on how to minimize parts of yourself
and accentuate other parts of yourself
so as to achieve some projection you have
of what balance may look like.
You're also going to be limiting yourself,
instead of helping both extremes
to become their full potential and full expression,
and find ways for that full expression
to exist in harmony.
Balance seeks to create equilibrium between two different things,
instead of seeking to combine them.
Where consciousness is headed, is integration.
In integration, polarities come together to form a third thing entirely,
the sum of both.
To understand more about this, watch my video titled:
F#!k Balance! (Rethinking Balance And What It Means To Be Balanced)
When I say that to heal is to experience the opposite,
what I mean is something like:
A person who lacks something,
is meant to experience the having of that thing.
Or, if you have disowned an aspect of yourself,
to heal is to reown that aspect of yourself.
For example, it is for the person who is harmed by others,
to experience being helped by others,
it is for a codependent to learn they can have and keep a self,
at the same time as being deeply connected to other people,
and including others best interests as a part of their own best interests,
without throwing their own best interests away.
It is for the person who is addicted, to use shadow work to see themselves,
including what they really need and to meet those needs lovingly.
It is for a person who feels powerless to the negative way that they feel,
to really learn how to see what is,
and see what they want instead.
And to be able to, and in an empowered way
close the gap between the two.
It is for a person who is traumatized with too much burden,
to step into free will and to choose what to take responsibility for,
and what not to take responsibility for,
so as to see that chosen responsibility is what leads to the empowered creation
of what personally benefits them.
It is for a person who is disappointed in their experience,
to see their hopes coming to fruition.
When it comes to healing,
it is important to be able to discern
what is genuinely healing,
or genuinely experiencing the healthy opposite,
and what is simply swinging the pendulum to the opposite
unhealthy dysfunctional extreme.
It is important to discern what is a polarizing reaction,
and a deliberately chosen response.
Here's the good news / bad news
is that you're going to learn from everything you do.
So if a person swings the pendulum,
they're simply going to experience all the dysfunction and pain
and negative consequences that happen at that end of the scale,
which will inevitably cause them
to move more towards
what's actually genuinely in alignment with their healing.
But, you can prevent the time that this takes
to go through this pendulum swing.
you can prevent the damage that this will do
to you and to other people in your life,
by simply being aware of this dynamic or the tendency
within our healing path
to swing the pendulum,
and instead,
really taking time to decide
what the actual healing experience is.
have a good week.
If you liked this video,
be sure to share it, like it and also subscribe to my channel
so you can see more content like this.
But I want to personally thank you
for taking the initiative
and having the bravery to step into the space of awareness,
not only for yourself but for the benefit of those around you.
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte