- I was raised to be a doubter.
My father was an accountant-turned-motivational speaker,
and his most popular speech was Look Before You Leap.
My 10-year-old understanding of it
was that, when people go about their lives
with too much trust, they leap into puddles of failure.
So being the all-star daughter that I was,
I doubted everything.
If the weatherman said there was a 2% chance of rain,
I'd bring an umbrella.
Now, while this mentality was great for planning beach days,
it was terrible for love.
In relationships, I was so busy doubting love,
I rarely got around to actually expressing it.
My friendships were no different.
My best friend would end every phone call with me
by saying, "I love you," and I would end by saying, "Okay."
When I first moved to L.A., I got a job as a nanny.
The cash and free reign of the refrigerator
was a pretty win-win situation for me.
I'm taking care of a three-year-old for a couple of months
and we really start to bond.
We spend our days playing doctor, eating dry Cheerios,
and reading the Hungry Little Caterpillar
over and over and over again.
We're hanging out at the park one day
and he walks up to me and he says, "Ozi, I love you."
And it took everything in me
not to blurt out my first thought, which was why.
Then it took everything in me and then some
not to blurt out my second thought,
which was Ozi, you monster.
I mean, what kind of person doesn't say I love you
back to a three-year-old?
He's just standing there staring at me
and I break the silence with the longest,
most awkward, "Aww."
Our day ends, I take him home, and I go home confused.
Love.
He doesn't love me.
I was just some girl hired to make sure he doesn't die.
That's not love.
Right?
And did I love him?
I mean, sure, he's cool.
It drives me crazy that he never eats his grilled chicken,
but when I made him laugh, I felt like I was flying.
That's not love either.
Right?
I couldn't find any logical reason for love that night.
But I did find that love is simply a feeling.
It ebbs and it flows
and my doubting it didn't change its existence.
It just cut me off from feeling it.
It was at that moment that I stopped doubting love
because I did love that kid.
And the next time I saw him, I was determined to tell him.
So I'm driving to his school the next day
determined and focused and on a mission.
I'm gripping the steering wheel as we ride home
and I open my mouth, but the words just won't come out.
And I keep trying, but still, nothing.
We get to his house and I just feel defeated.
I hear his little voice over the music
ask, "Ozi, why are you my friend?"
And in an attempt to lighten the mood,
I say, "Why do you think I'm your friend?"
And he says, "Because you love me."
And before doubt could raise its hand in question,
I whip around and I say, "I do, I do love you."
He just giggles and he says, "Unbuckle me, please."