- It looks cute.
Making gay stuff.
Because I'm gay a little.
(upbeat music)
So, friends, this is a vlog to talk about
my own queer journey and my experience through this life.
I'm in no way trying to comment on anyone else's journey.
Everyone else has their own, different, unique experience,
so I'm not saying that this is how it is for everyone
or anyone, but this is just my own story
and what it's been like for me.
Talking about sexuality in general is a very personal thing
and I don't want to assume anyone's situation,
so before we even begin, I want to put up some resources
on the screen here, is this, let's go here.
Resources are around here, this space.
These are not resources that I'm sponsored by in any way,
they're just ones that are widely known
as being good and helpful for different people.
Okay, let's do this, let's dive in, y'all.
In regards to my sexuality, I identify as
many different things.
Bi feels kind of right.
Gay feels kind of right.
^Queer feels kind of right.
Being on the asexual spectrum feels kind of right.
But, not straight is just what I am.
It took me a long time to figure all of this out
and I often float between different labels
since none of them really feel wrong to me.
Sexuality is fluid and it's very layered and complex.
At least, for me it is.
And so there are many different reasons
why it took me so long to figure out that I wasn't straight.
First reason, I'm attracted to both men and women.
Men and women?
Yes, men and women.
And since I'm attracted to both,
when I was growing up, I was able to
recognize my attraction to guys
and then not even really give any weight
to the women that I was attracted to
or might have been attracted to.
I'm sorry, my friends were all gorgeous,
but I just didn't have those types of feelings for them.
Sorry.
Reason number dos.
I recently discovered that I am on the asexuality spectrum.
Everything is a spectrum.
(laughs)
It's true, though.
^About a year ago, I first heard the term demisexual
^and when I first heard it, I was like
that is a fake word.
But then, upon looking it up, I realized, one,
it's not a fake word and two, I am demisexual?
Lesson learned.
So, gray area, demi, that's just kind of where I reside.
But, it made it so that I rarely had crushes on anyone,
regardless of gender and I only happened
to have crushes on the men growing up in my life.
Let's move on to point number three.
I grew up very Christian.
I went to Christian schools, I went to church every Sunday,
I was a youth group kid, played keys
in the youth group band, memorized bible verses.
I was in it.
It wasn't forced on me in any way.
It wasn't anything that my parents made me do
or anyone else made me do.
It was very much a choice and I loved it.
But, in church, I was taught that homosexuality was a sin
^and that if you had those feelings,
you should not act on them.
So let's unpack that.
Any time I'd hear the teaching, I would always think,
huh, well, you know, now that you say it,
I do kind of wonder what it would be like to,
I don't know, like, kiss a girl or something.
It might be, like, kind of nice.
Huh.
Yeah.
That would be kind of nice.
Oh, well, I like boys, so that means I'm straight,
so therefore everyone else
is probably thinking the same thing
because they're straight, I'm straight,
everyone just wonders about a hypothetical person
of the same gender that they might want to kiss
or hold hands or just envision themselves with,
but it's just a vision, I'll pray to God,
it's nothing, I'm straight.
(record scratching)
That's what I thought.
Not the case.
I was gay, not everyone else.
Oh, baby gay Chantel was so confused.
(baby crying)
But growing up, the only types of sexualities
that I was taught about was homosexual and heterosexual.
And since I liked boys, I therefore
landed in the heterosexual category
and because I'm demi, my hormones were not raging.
I probably had a crush on only
two or three guys in high school
and had hypothetical feelings about girls
whenever my church would tell me that I shouldn't.
I didn't have an unmistakable crush on a girl
until I was about 23 or 24
(record scratching) and.
Bud, you're not allowed to go on there.
James, buddy.
I made my bed and now you get to lay under it.
He gets lonely and he wants to come and play with me.
Bye, James.
I'm a mother.
I didn't fully have an unmistakable crush on a girl
until I was about 23 or 24
and I call her my light bulb crush,
'cause she was my light bulb sexuality moment.
It was just like, oh, okay,
I don't have crushes on anyone
and, for some reason, this girl is here
and I just immediately am so attracted to her.
That never happens to me and so it took something like that
in order for me to no longer deny, hey, I like girls, too,
this isn't just a pray it away sort of thing,
this is a thing that's slapping me
in my big old gay face and we're just gonna go with it
and journal about and call our friends
because we're a little freaked out by it.
Despite light bulb playing this huge, pivotal role
in my sexuality, I, of course,
had a crush on her for two days
and then was completely over it.
Now that we actually know each other,
not so much to into it, but thank you for your service.
So, after I met light bulb,
I called one of my best friends, Julie.
I just needed an ear to be like, "Hi, um,
"met this girl and I like her and what do I do
"because I like boys and I'm straight."
But I've never asked her what it was like
from her point of view, to get that frantic, baby gay call.
So let's see.
Julie's also straight.
Hi.
- Hi.
I miss you.
- I miss you, too.
You're all the way in New York, you're so far.
- I'm so far.
- Well, you found out at the same time that I found out
that I wasn't straight. (laughing)
Basically.
- I remember it very clearly.
You called me and I was on the treadmiLl.
(giggling)
And you told me that you had these feelings for this girl.
I remember not feeling like kind of any way,
I was just like, okay, this is a thing,
this is what you're feeling, great.
It wasn't like a, whoa, I'd never would have expected you
to be into girls or something.
And it wasn't like, oh, I saw this coming.
It was just kind of like, okay, this makes sense.
I don't know if that makes sense.
But that's kind of how it felt.
- So, then, I was like.
I'm gay?
I'm no longer hetero anymore.
The whole situation feels kind of crazy to me
because, growing up, I wasn't doubting myself
or my sexuality because I just really didn't know.
Now that I do understand that about myself,
I always wonder if, like, huh,
were there people that knew I was gay before I knew?
And so I want to go and ask them
what it was like when they found out
that I was not straight.
- I was shocked.
- I was quite surprised and confused.
- Like, just off the bat, I was completely shocked.
- I was surprised, but then the longer I thought about it,
the more I was like, yeah, okay, that makes sense.
- I sort of figured you weren't fully straight.
- Not surprised.
It was like, huh.
Saw that one coming.
(laughing)
^- I remember from the moment I met you,
^I just had that itch and I was like, ooh,
^she's on another level.
^(laughing)
- I did suspect something before
^because I told you before you knew.
^(laughing)
I'm just kidding, I think you knew,
but I was like, hello?
This is gonna happen.
And I kinda kept doing it, so I take,
as you know, I take full responsibility for this,
so you're welcome.
- So I found out that you were liking both men and women
from someone else, actually.
- There was that little part of me that thought
there's a chance that you probably like girls also.
- But if you had been there in the moment,
I think you would have seen me make this face.
Oh.
Oh, really?
Oh, wow.
And I think one of the reasons why is 'cause I
had heard about you dating a guy previously
and so I just assumed you were straight.
- You had a boyfriend when I met you
and you'd never talked about potentially being queer
so I just, unfortunately, assumed you were straight.
- It was a Friday and we were shooting a video,
but we were just hanging out 'cause we were done.
I asked you what you were up to for the weekend
and you were saying, like, "I actually have a date tonight."
And I was like, "Oh, okay, okay."
And you were just like, "It's with this person,
"who is a woman," and I was just like.
- You were kind of putting out hints for a while,
like you were sort of asking the universe
without actually saying it.
- As you can see, many different reactions from people
because they all found out in completely different ways
and everyone's queer journey is unique.
I am very privileged to be in an environment
where it was safe for me to come out
and live as my true self.
I have so many supportive friends
and family that I'm surrounded by.
But I realize that not everyone
is in the same situation as me.
And so, while I do encourage everyone to live
as authentically as they can,
your safety is the top importance.
Here are the resources, one last time.
Feel free to use them, peruse them, stay safe,
and stay happy.
(light music)
James?
Mommy's talking about being gay.
I hope he's gay.