- I mean, one of my best friends, God bless her,
she was in labor for 72 hours.
The baby's head kept on going in and out and in and out
and in and out.
And then she still had to have an emergency C-section.
Before that shit went down,
my friend was the kindest,
most polite, dainty lady, who would never burp
in front of anybody.
After that shit went down, she became the most bitter,
nasty, raw ass bitch I've ever met in my life.
I went to her house to pay her a visit,
shortly after, she opens the door, "look at my pussy Ali,
look at this shit, look at this".
No "Hello Ali, welcome.
Come meet my beautiful new baby."
No, just "come on, you look at this shit!
You look what happened to me."
With the door open in front of the entire cul-de-sac to see.
Come on!
And her pussy looked crazy.
It looked coo coo for Coco Puffs.
When I saw it I was like
Because her straight pussy straight up
looked like two hanging dicks, side by side.
In the process of giving birth to one baby girl,
my friend became two dudes.
You could french braid that shit.
It was like a Star Wars monster.
I mean, women, we're not accustomed
to seeing each other's pussy's in the first place.
It's not like men at the urinal where you're like,
"Hey what's up dude, what's going on?"
You holding your dicks in your hands
in front of each other.
We're never just like going to the bathroom,
"What's up girl"
holding our pussy just casual.
I like your manicure.
I told her that she had turned into two dudes,
and she started laughing.
But then she started to get also extremely upset
and she was like,
Do not make me laugh.
Do not, make me laugh!
And then with one hand she had to grab a pillow
and press it against her C-section scar.
And then with the other hand, she had to
pinch the dicks together,
to make sure that
the Carne Asada wouldn't fall out of the taco
and become nachos on the floor.
You see, this is why women need maternity leave.
You better pay her ass too.
My friend couldn't go back to work
with her meat curtains dragging on the floor
like the train of a sad ass wedding dress.
You can't litigate like that.
Ain't no spanks gonna tuck that shit in.
I told her all of that too.
And she started laughing more
and you know, she was like, she was, she was pinching
and she was pressing and repressing the laughter
and it got to be too much.
And then all of this gas gurgled up in her system
and she let out this fat ass queef
that dried out my eyeballs.
I was like
- I have a dog. I got a dog
like four months before I broke up with my boyfriend,
because I just felt maybe that's where it was headed.
And I was like, I can't handle a breakup.
I get too sad.
I'm gonna need something on retainer that will give me
unconditional love.
Like maybe go down on me.
I'm not gonna like train him to do it,
you know, I'm not gonna be like, do it Luigi.
Like, I'm not gonna like,
no, I don't know if I woke up and it was happening.
I might not fight it off.
I don't know. I don't know.
And of course I would not be like,
oh my dog's going down on me.
That wouldn't like, do it for me.
I would try to maybe like fantasize about like a
like a famous dog, like a Lassie
or like a Eddie from Frazier.
Girls, right?
Hall pass.
No, it's a disgusting thought.
I'm sorry to even bring it up.
That your dog would, you know, go down on you.
It's gross.
Here's why I thought of it.
It's because it almost happened.
Almost.
Okay, I sleep with my dog.
He sleeps under the covers and I sleep naked
and I'm not saying that to be like, I sleep naked.
Like I'm not trying to be hot about it.
Like Santa, naked, like I don't
there's nothing hot about me sleeping naked.
It's only because I break out in like violent night sweats.
So I have to, to save some laundry time for me
I'm always withdrawing from Zoloft
cause I forget to take it.
So I'm just like waking up in puddles.
It's disgusting.
So my dog sleeps and one night
he was going under the covers to like go to bed
and he just nicked it with his nose.
Like a very, like just a whoop, like a,
like a just a brush, grazed it.
And of course I was like, no, no, no, no, no.
You know, cause he had been a bad dog that day,
I'm not gonna reward that kind of behavior,
you know?
No thank you, dog owners, you know.
And no, I was just, you can't do it obviously.
And I was like, no, but he, you should have seen,
he wanted it so bad.
Like he, you're uncomfortable, but you, it's okay.
He, he was like, like he was very interested, wanted more.
And your dog would too, your dog wants to go down on you
so badly and that's the hard part,
you can't let them do it.
It would be the ultimate treat for them.
And I know you're like, wait, no it wouldn't.
But think about it.
Your dog is psyched to eat shit off the sidewalk.
Like he would love to lick on your sweet, sweet pus.
He just would.
It would be awesome for him.
Some of you are still like, no, not my dog.
He wouldn't do it.
He's too proud.
No, he would.
Dogs love crotches.
They're trying to get in there constantly.
It's my favorite thing when a dog smells another person
and the person always like, when the dog smells them,
they go "oh, it must smell my dog."
And I'm like, oh really?
Just like right here is your dog just,
"Oh he smells Tanner."
Is that what you call your sack?
Because that's, he's honing in on that, those ripe balls.
It's not your dog.
It's Misty.
No.
But it is, it's a disgusting thought.
And here is the thing it's like,
even if that was something you didn't have a problem doing,
like why would you do it?
As a woman, I'm like,
would your dog be good at eating pussy?
Like, no.
Have you watched your dog eat food?
Like my dog eats wet food.
The second I put it on the ground
he's just rubbing his face in it,
pushing all around the kitchen.
I can't have that style going on down there anymore.
Like that was college for me,
where I was just like, you know what?
I'm gonna let him figure it out.
We're all learning.
I can't have, I can't just.
Like I need focus.
Like I need you to have like a headlamp on.
And like, like one of those jewelers, like things,
I don't even know what they're called.
I need that kind of like, so if my dog was just
going to town, I'd be like, can you use your paw
or something?
Like, I just feel like it would make
it would just be a waste of peanut butter
is what I'm saying ultimately.
Cause I buy the good shit with the oil on top.
It's organic.
Choosy dog owners.
No, I'm going back Jiff though, sorry Luigi.
No, I uh.
- One of the valuable lessons I learned in life,
that I think every woman should know is,
you know never let anybody with dirty hands
touch your cucu.
I learned this lesson the hard way in life.
I learned it the hard way I was about 17, right.
I was on the school bus, right.
It was after track practice.
And there's this boy that I liked or whatever.
And he was like, you know, we was making out
and he was like, can I touch your couchie,
I was like, okay.
And I let him touch it.
Next day I was itching like a mother fucker.
I was itching bad.
And I was like, oh shit, something's wrong.
And I went to my homegirl and I was like,
girl, I think he gave me aids.
She was like, what's wrong?
I said my itching couchie itching really bad.
I'm pretty sure it's aids, so she was like, no Tiffany, look
I heard my mom talking about this.
You just need to put, it's something white.
Yep, mayonnaise put mayonnaise on it.
I was like what?
She was like, yeah, put mayonnaise on it.
So I went home, I put mayonnaise on my cucu.
I went to sleep,
when I woke up my left couchie lip was gone y'all.
My whole left lip was gone.
My right lip was on super swoll.
I was like, uh oh
I'm growing a penis.
I'm going through the change.
So I thought, well maybe, okay,
maybe I'm not going through change.
Maybe it's just an infection.
What grandma say if you get an infection?
Oh yeah.
Put some peroxide on it.
My couchie look like it had rabies.
I was foaming. It was bad.
When I told her, she's like girl, you stupid.
I was like nobody raised me, bitch.
I'm just going off of things that I hear from other people.
This is why I'm glad there's the internet now.
This was the 1900's, a bitch didn't know no better.
It was so bad.
I went back to sleep.
When I woke up my right coochie lip looked like
it was a hot dog in a microwave for too long.
We not going to show that image.