G'day, A.J. Mahari here the silent treatment and borderline personality disorder
or is it really the silent treatment is it really to punish you or Buffy is it
really to punish you or is it just something that's happening and maybe the
person with BPD doesn't know why and it's not an age-appropriate way of handling
conflict or trying to get resolution or you know communicating and and because
people with BPD our trigger to dissociated dysregulated emotion and
when they're triggered it doesn't mean you did something to trigger that
necessary they have to take responsibility for their own triggers
but when they are triggered to this dysregulated emotional place it's more
of a childlike emotional state they dissociate and and whether they're aware
of it or not subconsciously for that for the quiet borderline that's usually the
one that internalizes everything or the type of borderline internalizes
everything and does get silent or withdraws or if you're not the same
physical location or if it's through text or phone call may not respond for
some time and usually each person who's in acting in it like interacting in
internalizing quiet borderline moreso internalizing though with it will they
have so much shame whether they're aware of it or not right you know at this
point in time with whomever you're dealing with in your life with BPD and
you're wondering why do they keep giving me the silent treatment well you know
what's going on for them is if they don't know how to cope so they get
triggered just regulated emotion triggers and necessarily your fault or
anything and then they internalize everything they they go back to a very
young child like play something that occurred in their past more often than
not and they feel shame and they might not
be aware of it and then shame to a young child which is where they're going back
to dissociative Lee with dysregulated emotion shame to that young child aspect
of themselves whether they're worth it or not means equals I am bad and when
the quiet borderline feels I am bad I've had many kinds to describe this to
me they just say well I just feel so horrible and that about myself I don't
want to bother anybody I don't want to be seen like that I feel too vulnerable
I don't know what to say and then some are going to say it reminds me when my
mother used to yell and scream at me and I would just shut down not to say that
you yelled scream before they go into this triggered just regular demotion of
internalizing to the point where they get wrapped up in the shame of something
from the past and and now they have like nothing you can't reach them or they
have no response and nothing to say because they all they're entered all
their energy focus has gotten inside internal and it's dissociative lis gone
back to some stage and age of childhood you know to some degree or other so it's
like that happens and that leaves people who maybe there was you know some
conflict or maybe you were having an okay time and you don't know what
happened well it leaves people in that situation wondering well like what
happened or if there's something to be resolved you're kind of like wolves you
expect a response you want to be met with mutuality and reciprocity in
communication whatever the case then or the nature of the communication so that
can hurt right and that can be very disappointing to disillusioning at times
for people and but like is it really punishment does silent revisit
punishment and revenge it could be for the I personally BP I don't think it is
for most and the other question I would ask people to think about you know if
you're dealing with someone or you're just finding out realizing you're
dealing with somebody who likely or may well have been diagnosed with borderline
personality that is a quiet
borderline internalizing borderline that that silence it's kind of up to you to
decide for yourself whether you're going to let that feel punishing to you or
higher or your perception in your feelings your perception about it and
your feeling about it could feel like you're being punished it could feel like
you're trying to get revenge could could definitely feel that you're being that
it is quote the silent treatment unquote and yet is it a treatment is it really a
conscious thing they're doing to you or is it more what's going on inside of
them now even having said that what's
important to note here is if it's what's going on inside of them and they're
really not trying to give you the treatment be silent you're on purpose
and make you hurt or punish you well this still is that aspect that there is
a responsibility there that the quiet borderline doesn't know how to step up
and meet when they're in triggered dysregulated emotion because they've
gone back to a younger age and state emotionally and they internalize it so
and and and a lot of these people in their past you know they they react this
way now because in in their childhoods when they were hurt in different ways or
abused or or all the different things that can happen for people with BPD
except for 25% it can be very different and perception based largely they they
might have got really shut down they might have got screamed at they might
they might have got really hurt by trying to express themselves or just
already known that even in trying to express themselves it wasn't gonna work
so these are the kind of repetition compulsion patterns that are being
enacted reenacted in the trigger dysregulated emotion that people peepee
if they don't have any treatment or enough treatment yet they won't they
won't be aware of all this so when they internalize things unlike the external
izing acting out raging borderline this then is it is it silent treatment or is
it what they're going through because it's a maladaptation you know
maladaptive coping mechanism it's a repetition compulsion it's an
emotional flashback so it has to play out the same way every time for them
unfortunately internalizing whether they know whether they can say this or not
feeling a lot of shame and feeling and shame for any child so they go back to a
childlike emotional state in place in dissociative lis shame equals I am bad
and if one is really overwhelmed suddenly person with BPD really
overwhelmed suddenly by feeling I'm bad I did something bad or I should have
done that or somebody's mad at me I did something bad then they're gonna shut
down and they're gonna go quiet they're gonna withdraw so is that silence really
quote the silent treatment unquote and I think that's up to what you decide to do
with it so it doesn't mean that it's something that you should not notice
we're not observed take note of because because the person with BPD is not able
to meet you in a relatively aged stage appropriate place in relating with you
into here now and that matters but I think whether or not it's really the
silent treatment depends on how you feel about it and how you're perceiving it
and what you're doing with it and why do I say that well because there's a lot
not not that it's your fault no but you have a lot of choices you can make with
it like observe it go about your business do something else and not let
it be even if it was intended to be to not let it be punishing or treatment so
you know some way you're being treated it affects you and and it's not healthy
adult emotion stage appropriate way to deal with things but
but until unless somebody with BPD in a quiet borderline equally as much as an
externalizing acting-out borderline until unless I get enough treatment to
work through the core issues that whether a person manifests bored I'm
presented or outwardly externalizing or internally and often having these silent
times or withdrawal or times they were drawing they have a same core trauma the
same abandonment you know I mean similar you know core in each person whatever
habit but core trauma and abandonment trauma and and attachment difficulty so
they're going to be triggered and go to this emotional dysregulation whether
they're going up act out externalizing rage or internalized akin if you will
and and go quiet and withdraw so I think people can really empower themselves you
have to decide you know this is cyclical the repetition compulsion is it might be
something that you really just can't deal with after a certain period of time
depending on the relationship etc because you're not being met mutually
and reciprocally in relating and whatever form and type of relationship
in a way that most people would yeah will consider a healthier way to you
know healthier experience then when they go quiet or they withdraw so some people
will say it is the silent treatment meaning it's all just so conscious and
they're trying to get you all in and some people a lot of people talk about
it that way so it's up to you to really decide if
that's what you believe or not or if you can maybe see what I'm saying about that
it might largely often might not be that but that it's still not a healthy
age-appropriate way to relate so therefore it's it's frustrating it's
difficult for people but is it really that they're giving you the silent
treatment or is it what they're doing that well I'm not gonna say by its very
nature I mean they might not be making a decision too
punish you but that could still be that could feel abusive that could seem
abusive or in some cases that could be abusive decide the externalising acting
out borderline raging that you know verbal abuse and/or intimidation is
abuse and so if you look at the silent presentation or the withdrawal I mean it
could be but I think that that's where people have a little more space perhaps
to to observe it and not absorb it that way and to just kind of but but it can
leave you hanging at the same time this is very true but you have to take
responsibility for yourself in those times and then overall for making a
decision whether or not if this is cyclical as often is this something that
you're going is this a deal breaker for you or not so I just keep encouraging
people to learn more about this in the sense of not only intellectually or in
an understanding way right but in an active way where you can see where you
have choices no matter what they're doing right so if you're getting to as
it's called the silent treatment if you're getting that or you're in that
space or that's happening that they've withdrawn and they're being silent and
you can't engage them in conversation or they're not gonna text you back or call
you back or they're gonna be obscurely like missing for a few days or just not
communicating yeah you know if people could feel held hostage to that in a way
because it suspends communication and leaves just a space where most other
people you know like healthier people relatively speaking emotionally healthy
more mature I mean would definitely talk through something where it where is then
you're you're right there and you want to talk it through and then they vanish
so there's something about that that you know I think is it's inherently
frustrating to people and it's not mutual reciprocal what's happened there
and so that's understandable but to think of it as you know somehow
they're trying to get you with that or it's the silent treatment it's all about
abusing you and punishing you and getting revenge and I think people could
maybe just look at the aspect of can you empower yourself to observe that and not
absorb it and to give it space and time until the next time you could talk now
the only other real challenge to all those other chat but the but they have a
major challenge with this is that every time you come back to the same place
we're in they might be triggered which is their responsibility not anyone elses
and then they may retreat again and withdraw and be you know triggered to
dysregulated emotion and internalized and then be silent and because this is
so cyclical so if that keeps happening and you're trying to resolve something
and they come back when they're ready or they're you know come back to a sort of
baseline of an emotional place to be I mean like relatively better emotional
place to be in them now then the very mention of it again and the bear it may
trigger all the same things which is again not not anybody responsibility but
the person with PPD to get help and get treatment and and to understand that
they have to take responsibility for their own triggers and then what they
choose or not choose but I guess you know it's sort of a choice but it's a
maladaptive and habituated choice so it's a defense and and maladaptive
coping mechanism but so anyway I just I I don't even want to deepening into this
but I think so when it comes to what's known as the silent treatment from
people with BPD like for others relating to them I'm not so sure it's everything
that a lot of people make it out to be but at the same time I hope you hear me
that I'm saying it's very frustrating it's not mutual it's not reciprocal it
doesn't take into account your feelings because when a quiet borderline is
triggered to dysregulated emotion internalizing everything feeling shame
etc maybe not aware of any of that all their energy is going inside all their
focus is going inside and and does leave you there hanging for sure
and that's not in your imagination but as for the intent and the whys and the
wherefores that's really hard to say in highly individual so I would just
recommend to people that unless and until this becomes too much of a cycle
that you can't it's a deal breaker or a friendship breaker relationship break
whatever the case may be that you try to think about how you're
perceiving it and how can you be more proactive at least for yourself while
the person who is internalizing their trigger dysregulated emotion etc and
withdrawing and being silent while they're doing that what can you do to
help yourself because you can't pull words out of them or get them to talk to
you sooner than they're ready to when they come back to baseline any more than
you can get the acting out of externalizing raging borderline to stop
screaming at you so which which requires different kind of boundaries so I hope
that was helpful or at least gave you food for thought that the borderline
silent the silent treatment of the borderline which is uses a quiet
internalizing borderline is not necessarily any kind of treatment at all
but what it is is the absence of healthy adult mutual reciprocal relating and it
leaves you hanging so think about how you're perceiving it and could you
change your perception of it but that still doesn't make the whole situation
that viable because that's a frustrating reality if somebody just checks out of a
conversation or a communication or conflict resolution anyway I hope that
was helpful take care