We've done a lot of videos here about dealing with divorce and about parenting.
Today, how do you deal with your parents divorce? You're cruising along through
life and everything's going just like you planned it to. Right? I know that's
kind of lala land. But there's one thing that often happens that just kind of
throws a wrench into things. And that's when the family disrupt. I've done some
other videos here about how to help little kids to deal with divorce. How to
talk to them about the divorce of their parents for example. Or if you're a
parent, how to talk to your kids about what's going on in that relationship. And
the breakup and and whatever is happening. I thought in this video that
we ought to take a look at some of the older kids. If you're a teenager, a young
adult and you're trying to deal with your parents divorce, what are some
things that you can do? So, I've thought through 4 things that you should not
do. I'm going to give you 4 don'ts, all right? And then hang on because right
after that, I'm going to give you 4 things that you can do. Things that you
should do that can make this a whole lot better. So, let's jump into the don'ts,
first. Don't number 1, don't put yourself in the middle or pick sides or
form a camp with one parent or the other. You know what? It's not about you. This is
something that's going on with your parents. And I've found this... I try to
help little kids understand this that nobody really knows what happened here.
So, don't put yourself in the middle of it or become a messenger. That's my first
caution to you. This might come as a relief to you as well. Because it's easy
to get sucked in. You just want to be helpful and so you're showing up, you
know, you're being there as a support to your mom or your dad. And they say, "Well,
you go tell your dad..." Or "You make sure mom knows that..." No ,it's not your role to
be that messenger. So, it's okay for you to set that limit. Ways to communicate
that to your parents can very respectful. I would suggest that you
simply... If you're being put in the middle like that, if you're getting sucked in.
That you simply identify, verify and accept. Identify, verify and accept. This
comes from a communication expert colleague of mine named Pamela Jett who
taught this to me in a podcast episode titled "How to handle a sniper?" But it
applies here to. Where if someone's putting you into that difficult position,
you can simply identify it. You can say "Hey, Dad.
When you asked me to take messages to mom, I feel that I'm betraying someone. Is
that what you are going for?" Now, that's the first 2 steps, okay? Identify, means
that you say hey when this happens, I feel this. Verify is, "Is that what you
were going for?" And then you accept. Because whatever dad says at this point,
you're going to simply say, "Okay." And he might say, "Oh, no. I didn't mean to put you
in the middle. I don't want you to feel like you're betraying anyone." "Okay." See,
that's powerful. You've just set a boundary that's going to help you to make
sure that you don't put yourself in the middle or become a messenger.
Here's don't number 2: Don't try to figure out what caused this or whose
fault it is. Trust me, I'm coming from years of
experience working with good people who for whatever reason find themselves in
this position. Where the marriage is falling apart or they choose to divorce.
Nobody really knows. And I've tried to help little kids understand this too
because they're... They're thinking, "Oh, it's my fault." No, it's not your
fault. And nobody really knows. When I was doing child custody evaluations, mom
would come in. And she would tell me this story you write about what happened.
She's got an opinion. Of course she does. And she knows that she's right about it.
Just notice that. She would tell me the whole story, right? And I'm taking notes.
And I'm like, "Oh, okay." Dad comes in usually the next day or a few days later or
something. He tells me his story. Guess what?
Totally different story. Oh, there's some of the same characters, some of the same
events but a totally different story. He's got a different take on it, doesn't
he? My job with the court was to make recommendations
about what's going to happen with the kids. Even as a trained professional, it's
not my job to decide what really happened or who's right and who's wrong.
I want to take you out of that position. Okay? As one of the kids in this family,
it's not your job to figure out which of your parents is right and which one's
wrong. And that will help you with number 1 too because you don't want to align
with someone or form a camp. You want to love both of your parents and stay in a
position where you don't have to be the go-between. So, don't try to figure out
what actually happened or who's right and who's wrong. It's going to be a little
hard to let go of. But trust me on that. That's going to help. Third don't: Don't take
the blame or assume that you could have done
anything to change this outcome. It's not about you. It's normal, okay? Totally,
totally normal to think, "Oh, my gosh. if I would have just been a better son, a
better daughter then this thing wouldn't have happened. I could have been more
supportive. I should have seen this coming. I could have made an intervention.
I could have rallied some resources or support." No! No, it's not
about you. This is a very complicated issue that your parents have grappled
with probably for years. Maybe even before you even showed up on the scene. I
don't know. They've all got their own story but here's what I've learned from
all my experience. It's never the child's fault. There's nothing that the child can
do differently to change the outcome. It's not about that. So, don't assume that
you had some cause in this or that you could have changed the outcome. Hopefully
you find that is really, okay? And just trust my experience on that. Here's the
fourth don't: Don't let this pull you into negativity. This might seem obvious.
And you know that I'm the positivity guy, right. There's ways that you can stay
positive no matter what. That's other videos. Don't let this suck you into a
negative spiral. The fact that your parents are divorcing or
have divorced does not mean that your life has to be awful or terrible or
tainted. In fact, you know what? There's upsides and downsides to
everything, okay? Just connect with that for a moment. Now,
you might be thinking "What could be the possible upside to my parents divorce?"
Well, that's a pretty darn good question. Let's go there for a minute.
What could be the possible upsides to your parents divorce? Just make sure it
doesn't turn into a statement disguised as a question where you're like, what
could be good about this? That's not a question.
No. Ask it is question: What could be good about all of this? And if you ask your
mind to go there you're probably going to find some things. Trust that your parents
love you. Trust that they are doing the best they know how to do with what they
have. Trust that this decision for them in their mind whether you agree with
them or not... In their mind makes things better. Not worse. Can you invite your
mind to go there? Now, this might be a mental exercise. It might be kind of like
calisthenics for your brain. But just invite yourself to go there and to ask
that question, what could be good about this what could be the upside? And I've
talked to a lot of people about this. Sometimes it reduces the conflict in the
greater family organization. Oh! Well that could be an upside, couldn't it? Maybe
there's less fighting and bickering. Maybe there's more opportunities for
somebody to do something. I don't know. Whatever it is, you find it. Ask the
question and look for it. Don't slip into negativity. You know, I promised you that
I'd give you 4 do's as well. So, let's go there next. Do remember that your
primary job, the main thing that you need to do right now
in your family is to love your parents no matter what and even if.
Remember that that is your job. And that's going to come as a relief to some of
you, okay? Because you thought that your job was to fix this or you thought that
your job was to make sure that they whatever. No. Your job as a child in this
family whether you're a teenager, a young adult... Whatever age you are. Your job is
simply to love them. Love them. Can you do that?
That feels like such a relief doesn't it? When we realize, "Okay, that's my primary
job. I can do that." The 2nd do. Focus on what's right, not who's right. So, I don't want
you to get stuck in that big conflict about who's right. You know what? They're
both awesome people. They're both your parents. Your job is still love them. It's
not your job to figure out who's right. But do focus on what's right. And this
gets back to principle, okay? Because if you get pulled off of principle and
doing the right thing for you, then you're out of integrity. Don't get into a
place where you're arguing, you're bickering or choosing hate. That's going to
hurt you. And it's not going to help the other people that you're associated with.
So, focus on what's right, not who's right. Here's your third do: Take good care of
yourself. Now, this might go without saying. But sometimes when there's a
disruption and a family, it's a little harder sometimes to meet some of your
own needs. Now, if you're an adult, that's a little easier. If you're a teenager,
it's a little more challenging. If you're a child, you don't have a lot of control.
But do what you can to take care of you. So, make sure that you're eating right
and that you're exercising regularly and that you're getting some good sleep. That
you're taking regular times to pray or meditate or focus or get your mind
cleared of all the noise that's happening. This will help you to stay
psychologically healthy. And we'll put you in the best position for you to do
the other things that we're talking about here on this video. Do take good
care of yourself. And here's the fourth one:
I'm surprised you. Stay positive. Stay positive. This also helps you to be the
best support for your parents, for your siblings, for everyone who knows and
loves your family. You stay positive and it's hard when difficult things happen. I
know. Review some of the videos on the channel that will help you to to do that
and to see practical ways that you can practice that. Stay positive. That puts
you in the very best position to help those that you love. You know what? We all
have experiences and a lot of those are actually in common. So, it's a good thing
for us to share information as we find it. Will you please share this episode
with someone that you love?