One of the hardest parts of being a world famous internet mega-celebrity is dealing
with all the companies who want to sponsor me. I’m practically drowning in offers!
But most of the time, I say no. I just don’t think people really care about some random fungus cream,
or whatever, you know? Even if it is twice as effective as the leading brand.
So when I got an email asking if I wanted to get paid to play a video game, of course I said yes.
You know what that makes me? “A sellout?”
Worse. A Pro Gamer. So this isn’t a review
or anything, this is just some funny stuff that happened while I played Genshin Impact.
I’m the kind of player who sees what a game wants me to do, and then refuses to do it.
“Hello, I built a beautiful city for you with a nice welcoming entrance to go through
and begin your adventure.” *smack* You don’t own me!
When I got to the main city, I decided to climb up the wall instead of going through the gate like
a normal person. My problems with authority run deep. But then I couldn’t figure out how to climb
down so... I jumped, and that’s how I learned about fall damage. But I hit the cutscene trigger
as my character died, so he came back to life real quick just for the cinematic. Like Paul Walker!
Now, resurrecting a character is no ordinary task. That requires a very special, mystical item. I
needed some kind of orb containing the essence of life itself. To continue my adventure, I needed…
a egg. Yeah, eggs bring you back to life... is that a thing?
Luckily my pocket was full of em. *squish* One of the first people you meet is Amber, and
soon after you both get to the city, she gives you a glider that lets you gracefully float down from
high places. Which would have been super useful a second ago, Amber. *huff* I want egg back.
Also, it turns out you need a license to use the glider, so later in the game I got in trouble
for gliding. What the heck Amber!? I trusted you. That’s like giving a kid a car and saying
“Just don’t get pulled over!” That’s not how this works. Or maybe it is. I’m not from around here.
On one of the quests we ran into a dude who was injured, and for some reason everyone
decided it was my job to go make him soup. Not sure what that’s gonna do to a broken leg, but
whatever. So I headed back to a camp of bad guys to politely ask if I could use their camp fire,
but they didn’t speak my language, so I murdered them. But these guys weren’t going down without
a fight, and I kept trying to explain to them that I’m just here for a soup,
but they didn’t understand me, so this was really their fault.
Before I could finish manifesting my destiny, it started raining, which put my new fire out.
So I had to open the wait menu, choose a time, and stand there like an idiot in the
rain for an hour. But that didn’t help, so I waited again. And again. Finally, I was able
to restart the campfire and make his stupid leg soup. Then Amber had the audacity to say
“This weather is awesome!” *push amber off cliff* One of my favorite parts of the game is that
sometimes when you investigate things... *pop* A cabbage pops out. I am a simple man.
Most bad guys were pretty easy to fight by now, but every now and again there would be a
big boy who just refused to go down. *tink* Uh oh. One ruin guard seemed like it had infinite health.
I’m halfway up a mountain, I’m freezing to death, and this guy hardly notices the fire
arrows that I’m kindly putting directly into his eye hole. *sniff* “You never appreciate me.”
He was just happily spinning his arms around smacking into everything, like a kid pretending to
be a tornado. But dangerous, like a kid pretending to be a tornado. I was barely able to gather
enough strength to escape the harsh climate of the mountain, vowing righteous revenge upon my return.
Once I finished enough of the quests to achieve the coveted Adventure Level 16,
I was finally able to play with other people. Friendship: Unlocked! ...yay! So I hopped onto
my Discord server to see if any of my subscribers knew any sweet tricks they could show me.
Things changed pretty quickly once someone joined my world who was actually,
you know, good at the game. I’m sad to say I don’t know
the name of the kind soul who helped me. Perhaps the power was inside me all along. Or I forgot to
write it down, the world may never know. We went back up the mountain together,
and though our foe was formidable, I knew that the incredible power of
a true friendship would carry us to victory… Oh, he’s already gone? Wow! Revenge is easy!
He taught me two things. One is that to do any real damage,
you need artifacts. It's kinda like I’m Popeye, and artifacts are my spinach.
If you’re too young to know Popeye the Sailor Man, it’s a really old cartoon
about a dude who uses violence to solve all his problems, and just loves canned spinach.
“C’mon Popeye, it doesn't have to be this way. We use our words, not our fists. Ok? Ok.”
So anyway, if you want to punch bad guys harder, equipping artifacts will raise your stats.
And two, the second thing I learned was how the in-game currency system works.
To unlock new weapons and characters you need Fates,
and to get Fates you need Primogems. Now, you get Primogems while you play, but you can also make
them from Genesis Crystals. Overlapping lines,
as a crowd of voices builds underneath: Genesis Crystals can be bought for real money,
but you don’t actually need to spend any money to unlock everything in the game, which is something
that I think more free to play games should do. The conversion rate is one to one, so each Genesis
Crystal can be converted to exactly one Primogem. Using Fates on a wish also gives you Masterless
Stardust, and Masterless Starglitter which can be exchanged for more Fates, or other items.
It’s so simple!
miHoYo also wanted me to talk about Childe’s banner in the 2.2 update that should be out
by the time you watch this. So, I asked one of my friends who’s a Genshin expert
what he knew about Childe. Is he worth unlocking? And all he replied with was
“He’s hot.” Good enough for me! They also mentioned that you’ll be able to unlock a
Zither, which is just about the coolest sounding instrument I’ve never heard of.
But for real, Genshin Impact is dope, and I’m gonna be on my Discord server all this week
playing with all of you as much as I can. So use my link in the description to download it,
it’s free to play, it runs on iPad, iPhone, Android, Windows, Playstation 4 and 5,
practically everywhere! But don’t forget that you have to get to Adventure Level
16 before you unlock multiplayer, so do that as soon as possible so you’re ready
to join my Discord server and do a bunch of quests with a stranger on the internet!
Read the description and pinned comment for more information, and I’ll see you there!