Lethal Weapon was one of the prime examples of '80s action movies,
with Mel Gibson and Danny Glover at their best,
playing two undercover cops with polar opposite personalities.
It's the buddy cop cliche, but one of the greatest of the genre.
While somehow it managed to escape an ass raping by LJN,
the game was made by Ocean,
so, can we just take a moment here and be thankful?
It's not LJN!
So that means it's going to be good, right?
(sighs)
OK.
Let's give it a try.
Well,
It's average.
As average as a sidewalk on a summer day.
It's nothing to look at. This is it.
You want a review of the game? Here you go:
You just walk around and take out bad guys by kicking and shooting.
That's it. Nothing terrible, nothing great,
just an middle of the road, every day, button mashing marathon.
Considering the Super NES was out by this time makes it as worthwhile as yesterday's baby diapers.
The graphics are OK by NES standards, but the backgrounds don't make any sense.
I thought we were in the jungle, now we're in the desert in Egypt?
That is a pyramid, is it not?
Oh, wait, I guess they are supposed to be mountains.
Yeah, one of the mountains just happens to be in a perfect pyramid shape, that's all.
The really strange thing is how the two different environments have such a distinct line of separation,
as if we just switch from one plane of existence to the next.
There's no logic anyway. You know, logic is for pussies.
Kicking people takes the same amount of damage as shooting them.
That's right! Your foot is as strong as a bullet!
After all, you take out helicopters by jumping and kicking them out of the air!
Who does that!? That's not believable,
unless you're a giant turtle trained in the art of ninjitsu named after a Renaissance painter.
I also like that you can pick up grenades after they've already been thrown.
That's right! An active grenade that's ready to blow - just pick it up and you'll be fine.
You're playing as the Mel Gibson character, Riggs.
And I have to say, in the spirit of Lethal Weapon 3,
I'm disappointed that the power-ups aren't dog biscuits.
But what about the Danny Glover character, Murtaugh? How do you play as him?
I've tried the obvious SELECT, but thatn pauses the game.
START switches your weapon, B attacks, A jumps.
So, we're out of buttons here. What do we do?
There has to be a way to play Murtaugh. It wouldn't be Lethal Weapon without both of them.
So, what do you do?
No!?!
That didn't happen!
Oh, my God.
To switch characters, you walk offscreen.
That's ... different.
Y-You know what? I've seen it all.
I've seen it all at this point.
So, does that mean the other character is always there, following along,
but staying far enough behind so that he can hide,
in the unseen negative space outside the boundaries of your TV screen.
What is he doing out there? Just hanging out, watching you get your ass kicked?
Both characters seem to operate the same, pretty much,
so there's no difference other than the color of your skin.
Whoa, that's deep!
Almost sounds like the game's trying to make a moral statement -- no, no, no, the game sucks.
Let me give you some advice,
never play a movie based game. You know why? OK, OK.
They fuck you with the movie games, ok? They fuck you, they fuck you.
They know you're going to buy the game,
and by the time you've played the game and realize that you've got fucked, it's too late!
They don't care! And after they get done fucking you, they fuck you some more!
Who got fucked? The ones who bought the game.
The ones who rented it were the lucky ones.
They fuck you with the graphics, fuck you with the music,
fuck you with the gameplay, they fuck you, they fuck you, they fuck you!
Walk off screen to select the characters. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
That'd be like if I just walked offscreen right now, and somebody else came in...
I'm getting too old for this shit.