There are basically two ingredients to making a wrestler.
One, the wrestling ability…two, the presentation.
Three, the spandex.
Four, the boss’s daughter.
Take that, Triple H. Anyway, I’m getting off track here.
Listen, there are basically two ingredients to making a wrestler.
Or at least, to making the best wrestlers.
‘Cause see, a lot of guys end up having one or the other, the wrestling ability or
the presentation.
Like, Hulk Hogan, right?
Great presentation, not much of a wrestler.
Then there’s someone like Dynamite Kid on the other side.
Great wrestler, not the best presentation.
Then there’s guys who have both, like Ric Flair, Randy Savage, Shawn Michaels…
This game is no Shawn Michaels.
It’s HammerLock Wrestling, for the Super NES.
No, this game is a lot more like Hulk Hogan.
It’s got the style, and the presentation, take your vitamins, brother…but it’s not
much of a wrestling game.
In fact, the style gets in the way of the substance.
Like, literally.
I mean, cool animations, bro—I can’t even see the goddamn game.
Move it with the animations.
Bro.
I can’t suplex what I can’t see, that’s a rule.
That’s the John Cena rule.
Actually, Cena has another rule, too.
Never give up.
And I’ve got to tell you, after a couple rounds of HammerLock Wrestling, I was prepared
to break that rule.
Sorry, Cena.
I don’t deserve your hat.
Anyway, so as you can tell, this game is all about the presentation.
The screen gets split into three sections, with the top and bottom showing close-up animations
of what’s happening in the match, which is happening in the middle.
Sometimes.
Sometimes, it moves to the bottom, too.
Which, you know…that’s great, when the game you’re trying to play just moves.
More on the headaches later, though.
‘Cause at least the animations look awesome.
I mean, there’s way too much of it, but watching the close-ups of the moves you’re
actually doing?
That’s pretty awesome.
Be more awesome to see the game I’m trying to play.
Brother.
And before I drop the elbow on this thing, uh…I mean, it has a ton of moves.
And like, moves you wouldn’t expect.
Abdominal stretches; cross arm breakers; tiger bombs; freaking enziguiris.
I mean, what kind of 16-bit wrestling game has enziguiris?
I’ll tell you what one.
HammerLock Wrestling.
So there really is an awesome variety of moves here, and of course, they look equally awesome
when you see their animations.
In fact, the game has this kind of cinematic realism that’s really unique.
The animations tell the story of the match, just like real wrestling, and the matches
are also presented like actual fights.
They have time limits, just like in the old days, and after the finish, it shows you who
won the match, what the time limit was and what move they used to score the victory.
Which is cool, you don’t usually see that in wrestling games.
Unfortunately, though, HammerLock Wrestling does get DQ’ed pretty early on.
And that’s because it’s awkward to play, and it’s awkward to look at.
You grapple with this bizarre system that’s based on, like…who hit the buttons first?
Which means, when you go to lock up, you’re not pounding the buttons to win the grapple
and do your move.
You just have to push the buttons first…which means it’s based on timing, I guess?
But you have no idea what the timing is.
Like, you don’t know when the start is.
It’s like a deaf guy in an old west shootout.
If you can’t hear the saloon owner yell “draw,” that entire situation is gonna
be harder than it needs to be.
It’s not just the grappling, though.
The gameplay in general just isn’t that great.
And it does some pretty weird things, too.
Like, when you hit a move on your opponent, you fall down, too.
Drop an elbow on the guy?
You lay there like you just got elbowed, by a ghost.
Like Andre’s back from the dead, to take another shot at Hogan.
Only he accidentally slammed you, too.
Thanks a lot, Andre.
Next time, just slam this goddamn game for me.
Mondo Fundi looks like he just saw Andre, too.
Look, this is a really weird game, and it’s hard to feel one way or the other about it.
Like, the style is cool, and I want to like it because of that…but at the same time,
it’s supposed to be a video game, so why is the actual gameplay literally pushed out
of the way sometimes?
It’s a conundrum, this entire situation.
Fortunately, there’s someone we can turn to.
Spud will date your sister and not even ask first.
See if he cares.
It’s HammerLock Wrestling, for the Super NES.
And a huge thanks, once again, to Kris from Jersey City, New Jersey, for sending it to
the show.
Shawn Michaels is no Spud Marmoset.