- Hello and welcome, this is Robert Foster presenting
an update on the most pressing topic of the millennium.
As we rocket past four hundred parts per million
into a Blazed New World with rising momentum,
humanity's next 'really last final chance' to take action
is the COP Twenty One climate summit in Paris,
Where world leaders will gather again to establish
whether or not humans wish to keep inhabiting this planet.
We've heard scientists predict an Earth that's unliveable.
We've heard sceptics galore, and Al Gore, from the realm of the political.
But will religious figures, with their faith in miracles,
support the scientific principle, or side with the cynical?
To find out we're headed to the Vatican, where the spiritual
leader of a billion believers will be appearing soon.
This is a world exclusive, Pope Francis giving a lyrical,
recital of his fresh new encyclical.
- In nomine patri et filii et spiritus sancti
Dope Francis with a Revelation for all humanity:
The Earth is not at the centre of the galaxy,
the Sun is! And actually, the Earth moves around it...
Wait, sorry... that was an old announcement
ah.. found it! The Church thinks Hitler is not good, he's evil...
Goddammit... that's an old one as well. wait people...
ah here: Man-made Climate Change is no myth, it's REAL!
- The Pope has chosen to speak out on the climate!
- Fratelli e Sorelle: The Apocalypse is upon us
If you still want to get to heaven on the Day of Judgment
heed my revised list of the NEW ten commandments:
Thou shalt emulate my namesake, Saint Francis of Assisi
hang out with all creation: animals, plants and seaweeds.
Thou shalt value the Earth, more than money and wealth
turn not this planet into an immense pile of filth.
Thou shalt have a revolution to avert smoggy darkness
and rely not on the magic of technology or the markets!
Thou shalt see water as a holy human right
that shall not be profited off, polluted, or privatised.
Thou shalt maybe consider generations not born yet
in all decisions regarding use of resources,
Like drilling the arctic, destroying the reef and Amazon forest,
causing the sick mass extinction of the planet's fauna.
Thou shalt transition as rapidly as possible
to renewable energy and divest from fossil fuels.
Australia! That means wind and sun rays coming down.
cutting down trees and burning them doesn't count!
Thou shalt modify thine own personal frikkin life style
be not wasteful, and diligently recycle.
Move thyself away from consumerism, a new frame of mind
get AFK , talk to people on the train, ride a damn bike.
Thou shalt heed the cry of the poor of the world for it is they
who art already getting screwed by climate change,
and who have least blame for tainting ocean and land.
(Eco-justice and people-justice shall go hand in hand)
Thou shalt be united, with the conviction strong
that we are a single human family: We Are One!
With these new commandments, we can save the planet.
Go forth, Christians, Catholics, infidels, all humanity, make it happen!
- Thank you, Pope Francis for spitting these commandments.
Worldwide, people are praising the church's advances
in calling for radical action on climate change, an issue so contentious.
- Eh, the Vatican will do anything to remain relevant.
- You've also received rebuke from those
who deny climate change, like Jeb Bush, and I quote:
'I don't get my economic policy from my bishop, cardinal, or pope.'
- yeah, he gets it from his Exxon lobbyist, analyst and CEO.
- So, you say we must care for the poverty-stricken,
Just like Saint Francis, who renounced all possessions.
Does this mean the Vatican will share its massive wealth with the people?
- No, Figlio mio, we keep the gold so it doesn't tempt them to evil.
- Wait, a guest is beaming in at huge speed.
it's Terrence Moonseed, here to speak to the Holy See.
- Holy shit! Gullible lib-tards, your perception is flawed
This Pope is no different from any that have come before.
The Catholic Church is still a malevolent place,
Full of satanic agents of Dagon,
the fish-headed god of the Assyrian race
Look at his fish hat! He's still trying to trap you into praying to a fake deity
the only change is, he's now got a PR agent to make you believe.
Why else would he be attempting to foist climate change on everyone?
We all know that's just a false face of the deadly Agenda 21:
the UN's tyrannical plan to use environment ethics
to reduce the global populace through microchips and eugenics!
- But Terrence, I am against population control. - You are??
- Condoms, abortions and homosexuality are all
abominations for the Vatican. We want to have more children, not limit them.
- You want more children?! We all know why, You monstrous deviant!
- Wait a minute: since overpopulation is a key cause of emissions,
why not support liberating women and giving them
control of their fertility? wouldn't that be the best policy
to reduce, not just climate change, but also poverty?
- Look, I said 'hear the cry of the poor', not end it!
If the poor became rich we'd have even more polluting consumers to contend with.
- But that seems like a massive contradiction in your... - Have faith!
The Lord works in mysterious ways... amen, valē,
- And thus we close, and thank Pope Francis for his verses
One thing's certain: It doesn't take persons
of religious persuasion to appreciate the significance of this sermon.
The battle occurring over climate change is first
a battle of hearts and minds, and, for better or worse,
few entities on earth have sway over as many minds as the Catholic Church.
Some think this ironic and absurd:
Why heed the word of an archaic, passé, conservative
institution barely emerged from a Dark Age?
True. But doesn't that description equally apply to our own way
of clinging to a bygone era's outdated perception
of humanity's actual place in the fabric of the planet we live on?
Which raises one key final question:
Is this all just another empty pious vision?
Or could religion for once inspire a worthy mission:
to go forth into the world and change, not the climate,
but the system.
Captions by .koolfy