>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME!
HERE'S MUD IN YOUR EYE -- TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
I'M VERY EXCITED.
I'M ALSO A LITTLE TIRED BECAUSE I GOT UP WAY EARLY THIS MORNING
AND INTERVIEWED BARACK OBAMA TODAY.
THE ONLY THING KEEPING ME DRIVING NOW IS MY POST-OBAMA
HIGH, JUST WHAT YOU WANT TO MAKE YOU
FEEL BETTER AFTER A MAGA HANGOVER.
ALSO KNOWN AS A COMBOVER.
IT WAS A GREAT INTERVIEW, AND IN -- JUST FRIENDS HANGING OUT,
MAN!
( LAUGHTER ) IT WAS GOOD.
IT WAS GOOD.
IN KEEPING WITH HIS LONG HISTORY OF PAUSES, I WILL BE AIRING
THAT INTERVIEW... UH...
TOMORROW.
BUT OF COURSE WE HAVE A CURRENT PRESIDENT THAT DOESN'T WANT TO
BE A FORMER PRESIDENT.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN ANOTHER EDITION OF OUR
NEVER-ENDING SEGMENT: >> NO! NO!
HELP ME RUDY WAN GIULIANI, YOU'RE MY ONLY HOPE!
MAY THE FRAUD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS.
>> Stephen: THE ROAD FROM THE WHITE HOUSE!
>> STEPHEN: THE PRESIDENT'S SLOW-MOVING COUP IS NOT GOING
WELL.
THIS AFTERNOON, THE MICHIGAN ELECTION BOARD CERTIFIED JOE
BIDEN'S WIN IN THAT STATE.
THEN, TONIGHT WE LEARNED THAT THE GENERAL SERVICES
ADMINISTRATION INFORMED PRESIDENT-ELECT JOE
BIDEN THE ADMINISTRATION IS READY TO BEGIN THE FORMAL
TRANSITION PROCESS, ACCORDING TO A LETTER FROM ADMINISTRATOR,
EMILY MURPHY.
SO IT'S OFFICIAL: OUR NEXT COMMANDER IN CHIEF WILL BE
PRESIDENT BIDEN.
WHICH MEANS SOMEWHERE, RUDY GIULIANI IS FILING A LAST-DITCH
LEGAL CLAIM THAT OUR CURRENT PRESIDENT'S NAME HAS ALWAYS BEEN
"JOE BIDEN."
EMILY MURPHY, WHO IS, AGAIN, THE HEAD OF THE G.S.A., WANTED TO
MAKE IT CLEAR THAT SHE WAS NOBODY'S PATSY, WRITING, "I WAS
NEVER DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY PRESSURED BY ANY EXECUTIVE
BRANCH OFFICIAL, INCLUDING THOSE WHO WORK AT THE WHITE HOUSE OR
G.S.A., WITH REGARD TO THE SUBSTANCE OR TIMING OF MY
DECISION."
ADDING, "ALSO, I'M THE ONE WHO LEFT A BAG OF ONION RINGS IN THE
BOTTOM DRAWER OF THE RESOLUTE DESK AND THEN FORGOT ABOUT IT SO
NOW THE WHOLE OVAL OFFICE SMELLS LIKE MOLDY
ONIONS."
THEN SOMETHING UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED, THE PRESIDENT MADE A
REASONABLE STATEMENT TWEETING, "I WANT TO THANK EMILY MURPHY AT
GSA FOR HER STEADFAST DEDICATION AND LOYALTY TO OUR COUNTRY.
I BELIEVE WE WILL PREVAIL!
NEVERTHELESS, IN THE BEST INTEREST OF OUR COUNTRY, I AM
RECOMMENDING THAT EMILY AND HER TEAM DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE
WITH REGARD TO INITIAL PROTOCOLS, AND HAVE TOLD MY TEAM
TO DO THE SAME.
TURNS OUT, THIS WHOLE TIME, ALL HE HAD TO DO TO SOUND
PRESIDENTIAL WAS JUST NOT BE PRESIDENT ANYMORE.
ELSEWHERES, IN GEORGIA, OFFICIALS HAVE JUST COMPLETED A
HAND RECOUNT OF THE ENTIRE STATE AND CONFIRMED THAT JOE BIDEN
WON.
SO THE PRESIDENT SAW THE WRITING ON THE WALL AND GRACIOUSLY ASKED
GEORGIA FOR ANOTHER ELECTION RECOUNT.
HE WANTS THEM TO RECOUNT THE RECOUNT.
MR. PRESIDENT, THINGS DON'T NECESSARILY GET BETTER WHEN YOU
ASK FOR A DO-OVER.
LOOK AT ERIC.
I CAN'T REMEMBER A BIGGER SORE LOSER THAN THIS.
IT'S LIKE WHEN ALI KNOCKED OUT SONNY LISTON AND HE HELD UP THAT
SIGN THAT SAID, "I ACTUALLY WON.
BOXING FRAUD!" IN PENNSYLVANIA, A REPUBLICAN
FEDERAL JUDGE DISMISSED THE CAMPAIGN'S LAWSUIT SEEKING TO
THROW OUT NEARLY SEVEN MILLION PENNSYLVANIA VOTES, DECLARING
THAT THE PRESIDENT'S LAWYERS PRESENTED, "STRAINED LEGAL
ARGUMENTS WITHOUT MERIT AND SPECULATIVE ACCUSATIONS,
UNSUPPORTED BY EVIDENCE.
IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, THIS CANNOT JUSTIFY THE
DISENFRANCHISEMENT OF A SINGLE VOTER, LET ALONE ALL THE VOTERS
OF ITS SIXTH MOST POPULATED STATE."
DON'T KNOW WHY THEY'RE SURPRISED.
IT'S ALWAYS BEEN THERE, RIGHT ON THE PRESIDENT'S HAT.
MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.
EXCEPT YOU, PENNSYLVANIA.
SUCK IT WIT WHIZ!" DELICIOUS.
DELICIOUS.
THIS LAWSUIT WAS ESSENTIALLY THE LAST MAJOR CASE SEEKING TO
THROW OUT OR BLOCK ENOUGH VOTES THAT COULD SWING A KEY STATE IN
THE PRESIDENT'S FAVOR.
BUT THE POTUS FOR NOT MUCH MO-TUS HAD THIS DEFIANT
STATEMENT: >> IT'S JUST A FLESH WOUND.
>> STEPHEN: THE PRESIDENT'S LEGAL TEAM IMMEDIATELY APPEALED
ON SUNDAY BUT LEGAL EXPERTS SAY THE APPEAL'S CHANCES OF SUCCESS
ARE INCONCEIVABLE.
COINCIDENTALLY, THAT WAS ALSO THE MOTTO OF HIS UNIVERSITY.
AFTER THE RULING, SEVERAL REPUBLICANS SAID IT WAS TIME FOR
THE PRESIDENT TO GIVE UP INCLUDING, PENNSYLVANIA SENATOR
PAT TOOMEY, SEEN HERE ON "BRING YOUR FOREHEAD TO WORK" DAY.
TOOMEY RELEASED A STATEMENT OVER THE WEEKEND DECLARING, "WITH
TODAY'S DECISION BY JUDGE MATTHEW BRANN, A LONGTIME
CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN WHOM I KNOW TO BE A FAIR AND UNBIASED
JURIST, TO DISMISS THE CAMPAIGN'S LAWSUIT, THE
PRESIDENT HAS EXHAUSTED ALL PLAUSIBLE LEGAL OPTIONS TO
CHALLENGE THE RESULT OF THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE IN
PENNSYLVANIA."
ADDING, "THESE DEVELOPMENTS, TOGETHER WITH THE OUTCOMES IN
THE REST OF THE NATION, CONFIRM THAT JOE BIDEN WON THE 2020
ELECTION AND WILL BECOME THE 46TH PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES."
DID YOU HEAR THAT, REPUBLICANS?
HE SAID IT AND DIDN'T IMMEDIATELY BURST INTO FLAMES.
YOU CAN SUMMON THAT COURAGE TOO.
RESIST THE PEER PRESSURE, AND TELL THE WORLD ONCE AND FOR ALL
"I'M INTO DEMOCRACY AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT."
NO ONE IS GOING TO JUDGE YOU FOR IT.
HECK, THIS FOURTH OF JULY, YOU COULD EVEN MARCH IN THE
DEMOCRACY PRIDE PARADE.
TOOMEY WAS NOT ALONE.
YESTERDAY, WE ALSO HEARD FROM MICHIGAN REPRESENTATIVE AND MAN
WHO DIDN'T EXPECT TO SEE A WOMAN LIKE YOU IN AN OFFICIAL PHOTO
LIKE THIS, FRED UPTON.
UPTON SAID IT'S TIME FOR HIS PARTY TO FACE FACTS.
>> NO ONE HAS COME UP WITH ANY EVIDENCE OF FRAUD OR ABUSE.
>> STEPHEN: I THINK RUDY HAS SEARCHED THAT TRUCK FROM TOP TO
BOTTOM BECAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S MOTOR OIL.
ANOTHER REPUBLICAN WHO SAYS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH IS MARYLAND
GOVERNOR AND WALLACE WHO ATE GROMIT, LARRY HOGAN.
HOGAN HAD HARSH WORDS ABOUT THE PRESIDENT'S ATTEMPT TO STEAL
MICHIGAN'S ELECTORAL VOTES BY BLACKMAILING THEIR LEGISLATIVE
LEADERS: >> I THOUGHT THE PRESSURING OF
THE LEGISLATORS TO TRY TO SOMEHOW CHANGE THE OUTCOME WITH
ELECTORS WAS COMPLETELY OUTRAGEOUS.
WE'RE BEGINNING TO LOOK LIKE WE'RE A BANANA REPUBLIC.
>> STEPHEN: PLEASE, WE DON'T LOOK LIKE A BANANA REPUBLIC.
IF ANYTHING, WE'RE A "J. COUP."
SLIGHT STRETCH, BUT I LIKE IT.
BUT THE BIGGEST NAME TO TURN ON THE PRESIDENT WAS CLEARLY,
FORMER NEW JERSEY GOVERNOR AND DEPRESSED FRED FLINTSTONE, CHRIS
CHRISTIE.
CHRISTIE SAID IT WAS TIME FOR THE PRESIDENT TO CONCEDE, AND HE
PUT THE BLAME ON THE WHITE HOUSE LEGAL TEAM:
>> THEY ALLEGE FRAUD OUTSIDE THE COURTROOM, BUT WHEN THEY GO
INSIDE THE COURTROOM, THEY DON'T PLEAD FRAUD AND THEY DON'T ARGUE
FRAUD.
THE PRESIDENT'S LEGAL TEAM HAS BEEN A NATIONAL EMBARRASSMENT.
>> STEPHEN: C'MON, CHRIS, THAT'S NOT FAIR.
HIS LAWYERS ARE RUDY "TUCKING IN HIS SHIRT" "INTERNATIONAL"
EMBARRASSMENT.
WELL, WITH SO MANY PEOPLE HUMILIATED BY THE ABSOLUTE
INCOMPETENCE OF HIS LEGAL TEAM, THE PRESIDENT DID WHAT HAD TO BE
DONE AND FIRED SOMEONE NAMED SIDNEY POWELL.
IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO SHE IS CONGRATULATIONS, NOW YOU DON'T
HAVE TO KNOW.
BUT I'LL TELL YOU ANYWAY.
SHE WAS MICHAEL FLYNN'S LAWYER AND SHE'S BEEN FLOATING WILD
CONSPIRACY THEORIES LIKE THE PRESIDENT LOST GEORGIA
BECAUSE GOVERNOR BRIAN KEMP HAS BEEN BRIBED BY A VENEZUELAN
FRONT COMPANY IN CAHOOTS WITH THE C.I.A. TO THROW ELECTIONS TO
COMMUNISTS, AND THAT AMONG OTHERS, THE GUY RESPONSIBLE FOR
RIGGING THE ELECTION WAS HUGO CHAVEZ.
ONE SLIGHT PROBLEM, HUGO CHAVEZ HAS BEEN DEAD SINCE 2013.
THOUGH HE STILL LOOKS HEALTHIER THAN MITCH MCCONNELL.
POWELL'S CONSPIRACY THEORIES ARE SO OUT THERE THAT IT BECAME TOO
MUCH EVEN FOR RUDY GIULIANI TO TOLERATE.
NOT ONLY DID HE FIRE POWELL, HE TRIED TO WILL HER OUT OF
EXISTENCE.
IN A STATEMENT, HE AND POTUS LAWYER JENNA ELLIS SAID THAT
"SIDNEY POWELL IS PRACTICING LAW ON HER OWN."
ADDING, SHE "IS NOT A MEMBER OF THE PRESIDENT'S LEGAL TEAM."
YES, SHE DOESN'T WORK WITH THEM AT ALL.
IT'S JUST A COINCIDENCE THAT DURING GIULIANI'S TWO HOUR PRESS
CONFERENCE, SHE WAS ON STAGE THE ENTIRE TIME.
SIMPLE MIX-UP.
THEY INVITED SIDNEY POWELL, BUT THEY 'MEANT' TO INVITE SIDNEY
POWELL TOTAL LANDSCAPING.
DESPITE THE CURRENT ADMINISTRATION BEING UNWILLING
TO ACCEPT THE INEVITABLE, JOE BIDEN KEEPS ON DOING PRESIDENT
STUFF.
TODAY, HE NAMED HIS PICK TO HEAD THE STATE DEPARTMENT:
FORMER DEPUTY SECRETARY OF STATE AND AMBASSADOR TO SILVER
FOX-ISTAN, ANTONY BLINKEN.
ANOTHER BIDEN PICK WHO WE ALL KNOW FROM NEVER HAVING HEARD OF.
NOT THE C.E.O. OF AN OIL COMPANY, NOT A FORMER FOX NEWS
HOST, NOT EVEN A GUY KID ROCK RECOMMENDED FROM GUITAR CENTER.
BUT THERE IS SOMETHING THAT RINGS A BELL ABOUT HIS NAME:
ANTONY BLINKEN.
HIS NAME IS A. BLINKEN.
"ABE LINCOLN!" A. BLINKEN WILL BE JOINED IN
BIDEN'S CABINET BY INTERIOR SECRETARY "JOE ORGEWASHINGTON"
AND ATTORNEY GENERAL "JAY EFFKAY."
BLINKEN'S RECORD IS SPOTLESS, EXCEPT FOR ONE RHINESTONE GLUED
IN THE CORNER, BECAUSE ON HIS TWITTER BIO, YOU'LL SEE HIS
TITLES FROM THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION, HIS CO-FOUNDING
OF WEST-EXEC ADVISORS AND...
HOLD YOUR HORSES.
FOLLOW ABLINKEN ON SPOTIFY?
OH, YOU KNOW I WILL.
'CUZ OUR NEW SECRETARY OF STATE HAS HIS OWN ROCKIN' DAD BAND!
AND HERE'S A LITTLE TASTE, WITH THE MAN HIMSELF ON VOCALS:
♪ ♪
NOTE OH YEAH ♪ ♪ I GOT TO GOT TO GOT TO ♪
♪ I DON'T EXPECT YOU TO FEEL THE WAY I DO ♪
♪ THAT THIS LOVE IS FOR REAL ♪ >> Stephen: SORRY...
WHOA!
BABY!
THAT'S SOME FOGGY BOTTOM!
IF HIS DIPLOMACY ARE AS SMOOTH AS HIS HOT LICKS WE'RE BACK ON
THE WORLD STAGE BABY.
MY MAN IS GOING TO LOCK ISRAELI AND PALESTINIAN LEADERS IN A
ROOM AND WHEN THINGS GET TENSE, HE'S GONNA PULL OUT THAT GUITAR
AND SAY "YOU TWO GET TO THE NEGOTIATING TABLE, OR I'M GONNA
START 'STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN.'" THE CORONAVIRUS CONTINUES TO
SURGE TO RECORD LEVELS AND I'LL -- THAT'S AN EMOTIONAL SHIFT
THERE.
SORRY.
TRY IT AGAIN.
DON'T CUT THIS PART OUT, I WANT PEOPLE TO SEE THE SAUSAGE BEING
MADE.
THE CORONAVIRUS CONTINUES TO SURGE -- DID I MENTION I'M
TIRED?
THE COONAVIRUS CONTINUES TO SUFFRAGE TO RECORD LEVELS AND
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN
TONIGHT'S INSTALLMENT OF "CATCH A THIRD WAVE: ENDLESS BUMMER."
♪ ♪
>> I'M COMING HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS!
BUCKLE UP!
GET IT?
LIKE MY HAT!
DON'T MAKE ME SHOOT YOU WITH MY BLUNDER VIRUS!
>> Stephen: OKAY, GET OUT BLUNDER VIRUS ISN'T EVEN CLOSE
TO A JOKE!
BLUNDER VIRUS?
DUE TO THE PANDEMIC, THE C.D.C.
IS BEGGING PEOPLE NOT TO TRAVEL FOR THANKSGIVING.
HERE'S HOW FORMER C.D.C.
DIRECTOR DR. TOM FRIEDEN PUT IT THIS WEEKEND:
>> WE'RE ALL SO SICK AND TIRED OF THIS VIRUS BUT UNFORTUNATELY
IT IS SPIRALING OUT OF CONTROL.
WHEN PEOPLE TRAVEL, THE VIRUS TRAVELS.
AND THIS THANKSGIVING COULD BE THE SUPER BOWL OF
SUPER-SPREADING EVENTS.
>> Stephen: DON'T PUT IT THAT WAY, PLEASE.
PEOPLE LOVE THE SUPER BOWL!
YOU HAVE TO COMPARE IT TO A PARTY CALL IT "THE AWKWARD
RETIREMENT PARTY FOR PATRICIA FROM ACCOUNTING WHO DOESN'T WANT
TO RETIRE BUT IS BEING FORCED TO BY THE COMPANY AND SHE IS CRYING
WHILE PACKING UP THE KITTEN FIGURINES ON HER DESK AND YOU
DON'T SAY ANYTHING BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THE ONE WHO SHE
FEELS CLOSE TO NOW..." OF SUPER-SPREADING EVENTS.
FRIEDEN CONTINUED: >> IT'S BETTER TO HAVE A ZOOM
THANKSGIVING THAN AN I.C.U.
CHRISTMAS.
>> STEPHEN: THAT IS A SOBERING THOUGHT.
AND THE TITLE OF A VERY GRIM HALLMARK MOVIE.
THIS HOLIDAY SEASON, EVERY FAMILY NEEDS TO HAVE A COVID
PLAN.
ESPECIALLY THE FIRST FAMILY.
BECAUSE ON FRIDAY, WE LEARNED THAT DON JR. TESTED POSITIVE FOR
THE CORONAVIRUS.
OH MY GOD.
THAT'S SO SWEET.
DON JR. FINALLY GOT SOMETHING FROM HIS FATHER.
NOW, LET ME SAY, D.J.T.J. IS ASYMPTOMATIC, WHICH IS GREAT
NEWS, AND I WISH HIM A FULL AND LENGTHY RECOVERY.
BUT I ALSO WISH TO MAKE FUN OF HIM.
BECAUSE AFTER HIS DIAGNOSIS WENT PUBLIC, HE TOOK TO INSTAGRAM
FROM HIS QUARANTINE CABIN TO GIVE THIS VERY DUMB UPDATE:
>> HEY GUYS, DON JR. HERE.
YOU MAY HAVE SEEN IT BY NOW BUT APPARENTLY I GOT THE 'RONA.
>> STEPHEN: YES, "THE RONA"-- COMING THIS FALL TO CBS, DON JR.
IS: "BRO DOCTOR."
(AS DON JR.): "SO, UH, WE GOT YOUR TEST
RESULTS, AND IT LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT THE TUBERCKS.
WHICH MEANS, FROM A MEDICAL P.O.V., YOUR PROGNOSIS SUCKS
ASS, DUDE.
SUCH A TRADG.
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, YOUR OXYGEN SATURATION IS AT 69.
UP TOP."
ACCORDING TO DON JR., HE DOESN'T JUST FEEL GOOD, HE ALSO LOOKS
GOOD: >> I THINK YOU CAN TELL I
PROBABLY LOOK OKAY FOR ME.
YOU CAN SEE I DON'T HAVE THE RED EYES LIKE THEY CLAIMED I
HAD UH FOR APPARENTLY USING COCAINE PRIOR TO MY R.N.C.
SPEECH.
>> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, NO ONE CLAIMED YOU HAD RED EYES,
YOU HAD RED EYES.
AND NO ONE IS THINKING ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW.
METHINKS THE ALLEGED COKEHEAD DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH.
(AS DON JR.) "I DON'T HAVE THE RED EYES.
OR THE POWDERDIPPED NOSTRILS.
AND MY DEALER'S TOTALLY NOT UPSTAIRS, CUTTING LINES ON A
TAXIDERMIED MOOSE HEAD.
TRENT, ARE YOU READY?" "I GOT THE RONA!"
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
GLENN CLOSE IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"!
JOIN US.