Simon: Mom...
What?
Simon: Did you break it?
Mom: No
**Clanking noises**
Simon: Hi everybody I am here in Canada
I'm visiting my parents and my mom is gonna teach me how to make pierogies.
Martina: and now it's time for Martina
to teach you Polish.
Kew pierogi soupy new doo moe
Pow we did the quuuesst this Sikkim lube me meow Neko mumu
Simon: She made lots of pierogies for me when I was a young boy,
and I figured when I'm back in Canada
I want my mom to share this recipe with me so that I can make it for Martina in the future.
My father has already....
ha....
*soft laughter*
*overlapping speech* Mom: Disappeared? Simon: He's disappeared Martina: Come with me, Simon
Simon: Where did you go Dad?
Where did you go? So he's gonna do his puzzle now, he's given me all of the instructions that I need.
He doesn't want any arguments, so he says he's gonna do his puzzle.
While me and my mom learn how to make pierogies.
Simon: This is gonna be... Martina: That's a smart Dad, he's like "Have fun, Simon!'
*Laughter*
Simon: He's gonna have some red wine...
Martina: Wine and a puzzle
Simon: it's 11:00 a.m
Let's get cooking.
Martina: Martina is the camerawoman
She will be able to sit behind the camera for once and have the spoils of victory when you make me perogies from scratch! *laugh*
Simon: I have been told many things about this recipe Martina: Hey Ducky... Good luck. Simon: Good luck and don't f*** it up.
Mom: We'll start with the dough. *overlapping*Simon:We'll start with the dough
Ah! because dad told me not to put it on the board ... Mom: okay...
Mommy and Daddy are already in disagreement
Martina: You just need to flour the surface. Simon: Yeah... Martina: You need to coat it really well and flour it and then you put...
Simon: *Interrupting* Hey! you can't tell me anything about my ancient family recipe
Mom: Maybe it's not the ancient but it's Polish. The perogie and cabbage knows.. **in background**Simon: okay...
Simon: So I need two of these...
Mom: *softly* one egg...
Simon: *loudly* One egg for this much flour?!
Mom: Yeah..
*Exclamation Point Sound Effect*
What are you doing? You peeking!
Simon: *scolding* You go do your puzzle Mister!
Mom: Don't peek! Simon: Don't peek!
Mom: You're not allowed! Simon: I'm supposed to take one egg
And I'm supposed to put it in there
Simon: Oil.. Mom: Two or three...
Simon:Two spoonfuls of oil...
A little salt...
Now here
is where the discussion became heated...
Dad: What?!
You can't beat it properly!
Simon: But you can't do it with a fork?!
Dad: No!
Because it's different. You will not do it properly with a fork
It will stick to the fork.
Simon: But that's how people make...their dough...
They have to do it with a fork..
Dad: No!
Simon: I will *giggle*
Dad: This is not proper way!
Simon: OKAY I WILL DO IT THE PROPER WAY!
Simon: From when I made pasta in Italy, I just used a fork and Dad's like no fork.
You must use knife
So I have to take knife and I have to flip it over instead of whisking it
Simon: Because from what I was told you're supposed to like work the dough.
Martina: You know what Simon... That was an Italian woman
Were they Polish?
Simon:You know what? I'm gonna breaking my father's recipe
Martina and Simon overlapping*
Martina: Were they Polish? No! Simon you can't!
Simon: I'm sorry dad! I can't do it your way with the knife!
Here we go...
Mom: You have to mix and and after mixing the egg, oil, and flour you have to
add...hot...water...
Martina: Okay
Simon: Are you sure you don't need more than one egg?
I think I need more than one egg...
Mom: No! It'll come...
Bringing it may be you should just switch to your knife Simon maybe if you used a knife...
This is why I should have used my father's knife! Martina: Should have used the father's knife...
How is this? Martina: Alright...
at all?
Dad: Now we'll add a little bit of water...
little bit of water...
Simon: This warm?
Dad: uh huh...
Simon: ah...Dad: so be careful...
Dad: Add in water slowly...
What am I doing?
Martina: So Mrs. Stawski, on a scale of one to five...
Five being SUPER good, and one being okay, where is Simon right now?
Mom: You know, he's my son...
Martina: Pick a num- Mom: *giggle*
*overlapping* Simon: SUPER GOOD! Martina: Pick a number!
M: Pick a number, Mrs. Stawski,
M: One to five... Mom: One Hundred!
Martina: You failed Simon... *Mom muttering in the background adorably*
Martina: You know what, the judges are rigged...
Martina: Okay, I'm still filming I swear
S: You ready for the... M: Yeah, totally watching you...
M: Oh... **busted** This is for the.. *mumbles*
M: I hope you're taking recipe notes because you have to write a recipe out on the website
S: I gotta write sh*t afterwards? Nah. This is it...
M: Simon's going to go online and find a...
*overlapping* M: a recipe that's similar Simon: If you are coming to this video
In hopes of learning something... so you can apply this to yourself afterwards...
Let me tell you you've come to the wrong video
This is all about...
me connecting...with MY FAMILY *grunting*
Martina: Okay so you do not have enough liquid in there
More liquid...
*in the background* Mom: No not yet, no no...
Simon: More liquid? or no more liquid?
Mom: *softly* no, no... work on this...
Simon: work on this... Martina: alright, keep going Ducky
Simon: Alright. Listen to my mom not my WIFE.
Martina: Go for it... Simon: That's a recipe for...
DISASTER..
Simon: This part of the video isn't fun anymore.
Mom: No, this is when everybody complain...
it...it requires...physical work.
But because you are each day
fitness club you have enough energy and power to make
go to
dough...
Simon: Thanks Mom...:-)
Simon: Ready? Mom: Yeah...
Mom: You know how you can check just push the finger. S: Yeah...
Mom: if it will stay it is okay
Mom: Good.. Simon: It is okay? Mom: It is okay...
Simon: We like our dough really tough
here in the Stawski family...
*Martina as Cheesecake*: I wonder if I can like... Mom: *softly* and it will be really, really delicious
Mom: ehh, ahh, yeah and...
*Cheesecake*: find someone to pet me at this point
*Mom continues giving instructions* Cheesecake*: Feels like no one wants to pet me. I'm just alone...
*Cheesecake*: While everyone ignores me...
*Just talking about stuff, here I am*
Simon: MEOW! C:Meow S: My Cheesecake!
C: Please pet me...
*Exclamation point sound effect*
S: My dad is so happy with this, he just, that look of disgust that he has...
M: Come take a look! Come take a look! See if you can help him out please...
S: Alright Dad, what's next? Is this enough?
D:Yeah looks so good for me S:looks okay for you, put on the plate
Cheesecake: Yeah, everyone's in the kitchen but no one will pay attention to me.
Martina: Okay, explain that Simon...
S: So this, right here is Kapusta
You might also know this as sauerkraut. This is just vinegared cabbage, and it's very big in Polish cooking
Martina: It's basically Kimchi without the spices
S: Yeah, you can say that, but it's a lot more tart than sour. So we bought this at the Polish store yesterday
S: Here? D: Yeah
S: More? D: More, more more..
S: Damn, how many perogies do you want me to make?
S: My mom is being a bit too much of a hype-man for me. I'm just making perogies on camera, Mom...
Martina: Excited to make perogies from scratch?
Simon: Yeah, but now I'm a little bit embarrassed
**Voice Over Simon**So my mom went on and on to the owners of the shop that I'm gonna advertise them without even
Asking me but if I don't do this and I'm gonna get a FaceTime call from her and I'm gonna be scolded
So it here goes...
**Cue TV salesman Simon** Come on down! to Gina's European delicatessen
they got sausages kielbasa and some very good cold cuts
AAAND
Most of all, they have sauerkraut!
for those three of you living in a Durham Region now that watch my videos
Go on over there! You're gonna love it! (the sarcasm is thick with this one)
There you go. Mom...
**Martina as fast talking voice over** Located at 145 Kingston Rd. E Unit...
**Please read below**
S: My Mom's
M: Captain's log, I....
Not part of this party. I am just the camera woman today
Um...For once remember me behind camera.
I might be having fun by myself. The camera work goes askew. You'll know why
**End of flashback**
S: Wash our sauerkraut take out all the sour. We want kraut, not sauerkraut...
S: Cold water, here we go
S: You said two times. Is this one time? D: Yeah, okay, it's enough
D: Yeah... S: I have washed the sauerkraut! on its own right now the sauerkraut
Is very tough and vinegary
Not enjoyable
S; You putting in ketchup? D: No, no no no ketchup... just plain water and sauerkraut
S: When I was a kid, he would put in ketchup...
*Dad laughs*
S: Just **raspberry**
D: Not on everything! S: In the Kapusta, it was all ketchup
Martina: But you're not making Kapusta, right? S:This is Kapusta...
M: Oh, are you making Kapusta? S:This is sour kraut
**Mom explaining softly** S:Sauerkraut is Kapusta
M: oahhh **Dad joins in**
S: So I asked my parents a question... This is a weird thing about my Dad...
Why
Is there a bag of onions?
Beside your chair at the dinner table? Please, explain...
Dad: I LOVE onion
Mom: Because onion and your father, is like a marriage...
and...*laugh* He doesn't want to separate...
S: Thank you Mom
S: but then afterwards we want to boiling it for a lot to try to get rid of some of the
Sourness that comes to this because we don't really want a tart pierogi. So it's not as sour as it was before
This is definitely a lot more
Martina: Which is in a pickle or coleslaw?
S: Yeah, this tastes more like a coleslaw now
All right. So we take this and I do what? chop it?
Dad: Chopchopchop
S&M:Chopchopchopchopchop...
S: In Polish, how do you say chopchopchop? Mom: Shikashi
Chicka Chicka Chicka Chicka Chicka Chickash
S: The reason why I say is this because, my dad, always whenever we were driving
He would get angry at someone and...
S: Why did that guy do that?
Dad: Because he's stupid...
S: Why didn't you chop them Dad?! CHOPCHOPCHOPCHOPCHOP!
S: this small knife is for chopping? All right. Here I go...
M: I don't know if that works, but...
S: This is a bread knife Mother...
next I am chopping onion. Yes?
Dad: Yes sir!
Simon: You see how long I've been working on this perogie?
Mom: She..she..she always looking...
*Overlapping* Simon: I don't understand why there is one onion that's old, and one that's warm?
**Mom softly explaining**
Simon: No mother onions don't have any personalities,
My father wants me to put jerk seasoning and tandoori seasoning
in POLISH pierogies. Dad: Okay.... Simon:You...
What's a Polish flavor? Dad:I don't know. I
Usually like no chicken because early this is good in Portage. gonna get the paper
Mom: In Polish flavor we need paper (pepper) and salt.
Simon: We need some paper...where are we gonna get the paper at?
**giggle**
S: Newspaper and salt!
Martina: This is fun! I gotta be honest...
**Simon keeps speaking...** Martina: I need more wine...
**Simon singing** S: Me and my Mommy, cooking together...
S: Did you and I ever cook in the kitchen before?
Mom: No... S: This is the first time ever!
Mom: I have a question for you Martina...
Martina: Yes?
Mom: Most of the cooking? Common, you are doing?
Martina: Oh, we're pretty even I'd say very even... Mom: Really?
Mom: This is really impressive...
Martina: Yeah if we're having a dinner together, like a healthy dinner
Martina: Like let's say pork chop,
Simon: A lot of you didn't know this...
Mom: Absolutely, absolutely...
Martina: We'll split the jobs, Simon will go like 'Okay, I'll tenderize the pork chops
Mom: Cooperation!
**Martina gasps** Thank you very much!
**sexy music**
Simon: Alright, mushrooms are going in! Martina: Mushrooms are going in?
Martina: You know what I realized? S: What? M: This is a vegetarian perogie
**Simon gasps** Martina: Not vegan... Simon: Vegetarian...
M: But it's like there's no milk in it...Simon: No, there's no milk...
M: So the only animal product in this is
Simon: One egg
For a f*ck ton of flour...
**Simon and Mom talking in the background**
S: So then why did you put this in the bowl? Mom: I don't know...
S: I don't know! *laugh*
M: I need...S:You take the small bowl, to another small bowl...
S: And now you need a third bowl?
S: **Russian accent** THREE bowls!
S: Mom? so all this goes in here now?
S: Absolutely, here we go...
S: With my hands? Mom: No, no...it's too too too hot...
S: I know, I tested you...good answer...
*Mom laughing* Mom: He really loves....
Martina: And there it is~!
Simon: Alright, here we go...here we go *laugh*
S: WE'RE GONNA MAKE THIS WORK!!
**Record scratch**
**laughing** Martina: Your mom just said the funniest thing...
M: Your mom just said the funniest thing!
M: She said you're gonna lose clients after this video...
S: I'm gonna lose clients?! Hey! make sure you stay subscribed...
*Both Martina and Mom laughing*
S: My Mom...
said that you're gonna unsubscribe...
You don't have to listen to my mom...
My mom doesn't know YOU and ME
We have a bond...
You and I...
S: Did you just tell people to unsubscribe?
S: This is your son's LIVELIHOOD!
S: My mom is trying to end my career...
**carrying on**
S: I knew that this video was a terrible idea...
S: Why am I sub...
S: Video over... No more perogie...
S: Perogie over..
Martina: Canadian perogie okay?...
S: You know what?
Martina: Got a Polish perogie and a Canadian perogie
S: Men, when you're working hard in the kitchen, and you just have the two women getting drunk...
and laughing with each other...while us Men, SLAVE AWAY in the kitchen...
S: Alright...go
Mom: I keep quiet...
*overlapping speech*
Martina: Please Mrs. Stawski! Come join me
Martina: Hang on Simon...
*whispering* S: This is just Martina's plan, to get my mom drunk...
My mom's been holding back for a while
And now we figured *laugh*
*overlapping speech*
Martina and Mom: We can survive this
Simon: How ya doin Dad?
Dad: Terrible...
Simon: Terrible *laughing*
*laughing* S: Terrible *laughing*
Oh...my God, he's just so delightful...
Mom: I make for you? Simon: No!
S: You make NOTHING **teasing**
S: This is MY recipe!
*Mom laughs*
*Simon growls*
Martina: ....his recipe...
S: This is MINE! This is MY BABY!
Mom: I am very happy to speak to Polish people... because I miss my country so much...
**in Polish**
S: *grunts* Oh come on!
Martina: You weren't this whiny in Italy, Mister...
S: Yeah because I had strangers I had to impress
S: But not you, viewer...
You're my friend
*Martina laughs* Simon: You know how much of a baby I am....
Martina: Everybody online's like...
~LoooooSer SiiiiMoooon~
Mom: For..for mother, Simon is never a loser...
Simon: Good answer Mom! My mom's a nice Mommy :-)
S: A circle, yeah? Mom: Yeah...
S: Okay, now what?
**light, jazzy music**
**switches to creepy music**
Simon: Bum Baa (like ta da) *laugh*
Simon: *mumbling* So yeah has been right there and you're pinching pinching
pinching
Simon: There you go, look at that. That's a good perogie.
Mom: Perfect :-)
S: That's a perfect perogie! I'm gonna show my Daddy...
DAD!
S: I made a perfect perogie!
Dad: Close...
**heart shatters**
S: What percent?
D: Maybe..90%
S: Okay, I'm almost there. I almost have my father's approval and love.
*Dad and Martina laughing*
S: Not yet. I'm still working hard for it
S: Did you know that you could also put blueberries in your pierogies?
S: I'm sorry, this is a f*cking
**Hallelujah chorus in the background**
PERFECT Perogie!
Mom: Show your father...
S: Daaaaad!
Dad: Yes?
Mom: And I...I promise next time...
I will stay and prepare 100 perogies
Just to provoke you guys to visit...
S: You Promise!? Mom: I promise!
S: Promise promise! Mom: Promise promise
Mom: Even 200! If only to see you guys...
**Simon begins auction** S: 200 can we get 300 is a 300 getting it 400?
**Dad in the background** 450!
S: 450 to the grumpy man in the back! What does the young lady up front say?
Mom: because even 500....
S: 500 the woman at the front says 500!
S: What do I get from the old man in the back!?
*Mom laughing* 500! Dad: Pass!
S: You pass? D:Yeah S:You pass..
Mom: He's sneaky! *laugh*
Simon: 500 going once....500 going twice...
S: And I suckered my mom into making 500 perogies
Mom: ONLY if you visit me!
S: 500 Pero...
S: Beautiful perogies D: Finished
**CLAP** S: Okay! Perogie time finished! Time to boil!
Simon: 13...
14 perogies
11 Perogies! 14 Perogies!
Martina: How long are you gonna have them on for?
Simon: They're supposed to be on for 5 to 7 minutes...
I'm gonna take out one of these
Cut the corner to see how... Oh, this is so soft now. I could feel right away. It's good
Mom: I...I will....test it...
S: My mom doesn't believe or trust me here , but she's agreeing...
S: **grrr**
S: *whisper* What's that?
S: The old angry man comes out...to..
Judge hmm. Don't like it
Dad: I will judge when I eat...
S: Who says you're gonna eat?
Dad: Oh, you will not let me? Simon:I make it for myself...
Dad: Ok...
S: What did you want some of my perogies? That'll be $100!
**Slap**
S: All right. Should I give them a rinse in cold water or no?
Dad: No Mom:Yeah
S: No?
Simon: I'm hearing different information from different people...
Mom: No, maybe you don't because.....they will steam properly...
S: I'll eat them straight and
Here I made a batch of perogies! Martina: You did, Ducky! You really did! Simon: I did!
S: My mother has taught me how to make perogies!
My father has taught me as well. Both of them have been a very active part of my life. Both of them I equally love!
Dad: Oh really?
S: Yes, really. Now. Let's try some of these pierogies
Martina: How are you gonna eat them?
Simon: With a fork and knife
and we are not leaving the table until we eat EVERY f*cking Perogie in this bowl!
No one's allowed to go upstairs. No dessert. No TV until you finish on your pierogies
Dad: Okay, we take one
Perogie each and you will eat the rest :-)
S: That's not fair at all...
**giggles**
My mom and dad don't wanna eat my Perogies...
S: Here we go...
Here is the first Perogie!
Dad: Made by Simon... S:made by Simon.
**splash**
S: Whoa! Do you want any perogie with all that sauce?
That's a lot of sauce, Dad...
Dad: I put this sauce on EVERYTHING...
S: Yeah, you ready? :-)
Dad: Mmmm, it's good...S: You like it?! O.O
D: Mmmm, it's good.. S:Wow.. :-D
**with mouth full** S: Mom, what do you think?
D: It's always....a little..bit..ah...hard...
S: Really?!
D: Well, yeah, usually it's a little softer...
D: But it's...ah....
D: Eatable...
**Heartbeat**
**Heart Shatters** ;-;
S: Mom, what do you think?
Mom: *mumbles* It's okay...
Mom: But you know the most important thing is...
S: LOVE! Mom: love..
Simon: The most important that we have today is love! <3
Mom: And that will be forever :-)
*Singing*~My mom and my dad, my mom and my dad~
Thank you so much. to my mom and my dad :-)
Dad: Yeah! S: Ducky! You didn't even try my perogies! Martina: No, sir...
S: Come have a seat... in between my parents...with no pressure at all...
S: Tell me how much you love my perogies
Dad: Now you know that...the the dough...is so thick...
Martina: You need WAY more salt for the filling. It just tastes like cabbage. You didn't put any like salt and pepper, for...
S: I thought the dough was very salty as is....
*Dad and Martina overlapping* Dad: The dough is...no.. Martina: The dough is barely salty.
D: You you just use a pinch of salt with the dough...
Mom: I..I was talking about the salt and pepper in the sauerkraut.
Martina: You know..have to season..
Simon: Okay, all the whole point is that everybody loves my pierogies and they're absolutely perfect. Thank you everyone for watching my video
That's it for this week. Goodbye.
Simon: I'm really touched because Martina's mom said she ate some of my perogies and she liked them :-)
*Martina gasps* Martina: Is that true?
Mom: Absolutely true
Martina:You like the perogies? Mom:I love them!
Martina: Did you give her money? To say that? Simon: I'm just about to...
Simon:I'm pulling out my wallet!
Martina: Mom...
Mom: Sorry about that, (Martina: Really?) But I like them
Why shouldn't I? The dough was delicious
*le GASP*
Simon: For your services... *laughter*
Martina: See? It was a payoff, I knew it the whole time!
Martina: SCAMMERS!