Today we're going to talk about the surprising power of detaching
from the outcomes. Parents pay attention.
Hi, I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins a child and family psychologist and I know that frustration,
anger, resentment. All of those come from being too attached to the outcomes. Pay attention,
I'll tell you what I mean. You've felt them, right? Those feelings that I just mentioned,
frustration, anger, resentment. Why would we ever feel frustrated, angry, or resentful as a parent?
Think about it. It's because what's happening out here with my kids is not what I want it to
be. It's not what I expect, it doesn't match the outcome that I was hoping for. Can you relate to
this? I call these indicator feelings. Because what it indicates is not what most people think.
When I feel frustrated, I'm likely to think that something over there. Something outside
of me needs to change. That's the deception. When I feel frustrated, angry, or resentful,
it means that something in here needs to change, or more accurately, something in here. Those
feelings indicate, that something is out of whack, and usually is something that you want to have
happen that's not actually happening or something you don't want to have happen that is actually
happening. Like, you want your kids to do their homework and be responsible. But they're not doing
that, or you don't want your kids hanging out with those friends who are not a good influence
or experimenting with substances but they are. So, the frustration comes because we're so attached to
those particular outcomes. But we also know that we can't actually control those outcomes. Let's go
there for a minute. Control, there's a model that I teach in all of my parent coaching, and in the
seminars that we do on this topic. That helps us to understand the interplay between control and
maturity, and I use a visual model. In fact, I got you covered on this. The visual model that I'll be
referring to is available to you for free. You can just go download it. Go to the URL on the screen
drpauljenkins.com/stages. I got you covered, I'll put it right in your inbox. So that you can
refer to that, as we're having this conversation. When you get your model, you'll see that control,
gets put up against maturity. Let me talk about control first. Control means, control over our own
life, and it goes from zero to a hundred percent. You can have all the control or none of the
controller, somewhere in between. Now, what about maturity? Maturity is on the bottom of that graph
and it starts with immature, clear over there on the left side, and it moves over through very
mature on the right side. Like, age for example, when you're first born how much control do you
have over your own life? Yeah, hardly any. You can make a big noise, a big stink, that's about it.
As you get older, you gain more control. See, when your maturity increases. So, does your control,
and that's what the model describes. I've given you just a brief introduction to it. Go get
your copy drpauljenkins.com/stages and then, let's use this model as we think through our
own frustration, anger, and resentment. Because we're attached to outcomes, we don't control.
You'll notice that your control is apparent. Gets smaller as the control of your children increases,
and when they get older, they'll take control. Whether we want to share it with them or not,
probably already proven that to you. So, let's be aware of how control and maturity work together,
and then, we'll use that as a tool to address our own frustration, anger, and resentment. Here's the
bottom line. You have to focus on things that you personally control. That's the key. Frustration,
anger, and resentment, only happen when we see the outcomes that are not to our liking,
and we have no control over it. Can you see it? Here's why it's so important to
detach from the outcomes. Somebody has to be attached to the outcomes. If it's you,
it's not your kids. Think about what I'm saying. If it's you, it's not them,
and if they are not attached to the outcomes, they're not going to do anything to bring about
those outcomes. That's why it's so important for us to focus on what we can control and detach from
the outcomes that are outside of our control. I am not asking you to detach from your kids. In fact,
I want you to stay really connected to them. Okay. What I am asking you to detach from is
the specifics around what they do or how they act, or what their behaviors are. Will simply
tie in appropriate consequences but our attachment is not there. It puts you in a position where as
a parent you can be like well, things could turn out this way or things could turn out that way,
I'm okay either way. This is simple, simple, and easy are not the same thing. Let me give you three
specific strategies that you can apply, that I think might make this a little easier. Here's
the first one, keep smiling. When parents are smiling, kids are thinking. When you're smiling,
your kids don't think that you're attached to the outcome. Because you seem good already.
It also weirds them out a little bit, they get nervous when their parents are smiling. Because
they think wait, what do they know that I don't know, and I've got this basic tenet that I share
in all of my parent coaching. We want to get our kids to think, not fight. You're smiling,
put your kids in a position where they're going to be doing more thinking, and less fighting. Do you
love that? Let's add one little strategy to that as well. While you're smiling, practice saying
okay. Simple word, practice saying it. You smile and you simply say, okay. Again, that shows a
detachment from the outcome, and it gets your kids to think. Here's the second strategy. Buy
some time. A lot of times as parents, we get put on the spot, and it's like, our kids are
pushing us to give them an answer right now. In fact, one of the things that I like to say to my
kids. When they're pushing me is do you want my right now answer? Or do you want my I've thought
about it answer? And then, I smile, okay. And I'm ready to accept whatever they say. Well,
tell me right now. Because the right now answer is always no, right? That's the right now answer.
Well, they're a little afraid because well, if you think about it. You might say, you know,
yeah, but I might say yes too. So, if you give me time to think about it, we're going to be
good. As parents, we get to buy some time. Don't feel like you have to respond immediately. But
just put a little buffer in there, you can always say you know what. I'm going to get back to you
about this or give me a minute to think about this. Will you? Those are some ways that you
can buy some time. I would also suggest that you do not do this as a manipulation. Let me
tell you what I mean by that. Sometimes, we get so attached to the outcome, that we're trying to find
whatever way we can to make sure that, that's the outcome. whatever it is we want our kids to do,
or whatever it is we want them to stop doing. We have to make sure that it happens. Let's just back
off from that. As you're buying time, what I want you to do is just go inside, okay. Get into your
own heart and head, and ask yourself. Can I just detach from this outcome a little bit? You'll make
some good choices as a parent about what kind of consequences are appropriate based on whatever it
is that they choose. But we're going to do this from a place of detachment from the outcome. Hey,
whatever you choose to do, I'm good with it. I'll roll with it. We can handle it.
These are the thoughts that you're having, that put you in a position of being a
little more detached from the outcome. It's so powerful. You know, I have clients all the time.
Who are trying to get a different outcome so hard, that it's almost impossible that
it would ever happen. It's kind of like holding a stick of butter. If you can picture that. Just
a stick of butter in your hot hand, and if you squeeze it too tightly you're gonna lose it.
But if you cradle it nice and gently. This is the idea of detaching from the outcome. Back off a
little bit, lighten your grip. I promise you're going to get better results. If you will detach
from your need to have them. Alright, I got one more strategy for you and it goes right back to
what I referred to earlier with this model. Again, you can get your copy at drpauljenkins.com/stages,
I'll put it right in your inbox. In the model, we divide maturity instead of age. We think of
stage. Okay. So, there's stage one, stage two, stage three. Just three chunks of maturity. Stage
one is the least mature. Stage three is the most mature, and your level of control or intervention,
changes depending on which stage your kids are in. Okay. One, two, or three, without going into
all the details about what those three stages are. Stage one is basically, the least mature,
and this is where you don't get any cooperation, there's tantrums, there's defiance, there's
resistance. Sometimes, there's disrespect, there's yelling and screaming, sound familiar? And this
is what most parents are concerned about when they reach out for some coaching or some help
with their parenting. If your kids are in stage one, you have to focus not on what they're doing,
but on what you are doing. Because we have to pick something that doesn't require their cooperation.
That requires a shift in our thinking, it's really tempting to focus on what they need to do, what
they need to change. But they're not cooperating with you on stage one. So, that important shift
back to what can I control is what's going to give you power as a parent. Let me give you
an example of what I mean. One of the dads that I was coaching was so frustrated that his kids were
just watching TV all the time instead of doing their homework or their chores around the house.
I know that probably never happens at your place. But it wasn't his, and he was frustrated because
his kids were on stage one. They were refusing to cooperate. They were being all defiant and nasty,
about it, and he kept asking them to please just cooperate. Well, it's up to them whether
they cooperate or not. He had told them, look you can watch TV after your homework and your
chores are done. Sounds reasonable, right? But his kids weren't cooperating with that,
and he expressed his frustration to me. He's like Dr. Paul they just keep doing it. I'm so
frustrated that they just won't cooperate. When I give him these parameters or these consequences.
Okay. Do the shift, we're going to get off, of what the kids are refusing to do and onto what
he can do with or without their cooperation. It turns out this dad was a welder, and when
he put his mind to it. He was able to come up with an idea that I thought was brilliant. See,
the problem is the kids aren't cooperating. What can I do that doesn't require their cooperation?
He put his brilliant welding skills to use as he built a lock box out of metal,
it was about this big, and it had a power strip inside of it. It had a lid that would close with
little slots for the cords to go through. Can you kind of picture what I'm talking about? He would
plug in the cords, close the lid. So, the cords cannot be removed now, and it locks. Brilliant,
so, he can open it up with the key, and either turn the power strip on or off
and then, lock it. Now, he controls whether the TV is on or off. I thought it was brilliant. Not
so much because of the Innovation, although that was really cool. But because he shifted his focus
from what my kids are not cooperating with to okay what can I do that doesn't require cooperation.
Brilliant and that allowed him to detach from the outcomes, and just say hey, kids, here's what I'm
asking you to do. You can do it or not do it, and then, secretly in his own mind. He's like,
and I got it covered either way. Do you see how powerful that could be? And it starts with
detaching from the outcomes. Hopefully, you found some of that helpful really. You do want to get
a copy of this model, drpauljenkins.com/stages. I'll put it in your inbox, and that way you can
have a visual reference to what we've talked about here today. You've got this, and we've got you.