DOWN HERE, UP THERE, OUT THERE,
ALL AROUND THE WORLD. WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS IS WEDNESDAY. SO WE ARE LESS THAN TWO WEEKS
FROM THE MOST IMPORTANT MIDTERMS THIS YEAR.
AND IF THERE'S ONE THING WE KNOW, IT'S THAT NO ONE CAN TELL
YOU WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN. HERE'S WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.
FOR THE NEXT 13 DAYS: THE NEWS MEDIA'S GOING TO YANK OUR CHAIN
LIKE THEY'RE TRYING TO START A LEAF BLOWER.
CASE IN POINT: AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MONTH, DEMOCRATS HELD A
THREE-POINT ADVANTAGE ON THE GENERIC CONGRESSIONAL BALLOT.
THEN, SUDDENLY, REPUBLICANS HELD A FOUR-POINT ADVANTAGE OVER
DEMOCRATS. NOW TODAY, POLLS SAY DEMOCRATS
ARE UP FIVE POINTS. AND IF THESE POLLS--
( APPLAUSE )
ELECTION NIGHT. OH, THANK YOU, "NEW YORK TIMES."
( LAUGHTER )
I SEE YOUR FUTURE VERY CLEARLY. YOU WILL MEET A TALL, DARK OR
SHORT, BLONDE STRANGER, OR OLD FRIEND, OR NO ONE.
OR GET HIT BY A BUS. WAIT!
WAIT! SOMETHING'S COMING THROUGH!
YOU ARE GOING TO PAY ME $200. I ACCEPT VENMOOO."
NOW, WITH THE POLLS THIS POSSIBLY CLOSE-- OR NOT-- LAST
NIGHT WAS A BIG NIGHT, BECAUSE THERE WERE A LOT OF DEBATES,
NONE BIGGER THAN THE ONE IN PENNSYLVANIA, WHERE THERE WAS A
SENATE FACE-OFF BETWEEN REPUBLICAN NOMINEE AND SPOCK'S
DEADBEAT COUSIN, MEHMET OZ, AND DEMOCRATIC LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR
AND BOSS ELF FROM RUDOLPH, JOHN FETTERMAN.
( LAUGHTER )
NOW, IF YOU HAVEN'T HEARD, THIS PAST SPRING, FETTERMAN SUFFERED
A STROKE. DOCTORS SAY HE'S DOING VERY WELL
IN HIS RECOVERY, BUT IT HAS AFFECTED HIS AUDITORY
PROCESSING, AND THAT LEAD TO SOME STUMBLES.
FOR EXAMPLE, WHEN FETTERMAN MADE HIS OPENING STATEMENT:
>> LET'S GET STARTED. MR. FETTERMAN, WE'RE GOING TO
BEGIN WITH YOU. WHAT QUALIFIES YOU TO BE A U.S.
SENATOR? YOU HAVE 60 SECONDS.
>> HI! GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
TO START BY SAYING, HI, GOOD NIGHT.
BUT IT'S A VERY COMMON PHRASE I USE ALL THE TIME, LIKE WHEN I
GT TO A PARTY AND HEAR THE WORD "CRYPTO.
THE. HI, GOOD NIGHT.
GOT TO GO. DR. OZ HAS HAD HIS PROBLEMS
RUNNING FOR SENATE IN PENNSYLVANIA.
FOR ONE THING, HE LIVES IN NEW JERSEY.
ALSO, HE CAME OUT SUPER ANTI-CHOICE IN THE PRIMARY, AND
WHEN ASKED ABOUT THAT LAST NIGHT, HE ACCIDENTALLY SAID WHAT
HE MEANT. HERE'S WHO OZ THINKS SHOULD
BE INVOLVED IN MAKING MEDICAL DECISIONS FOR WOMEN:
>> AS A PHYSICIAN, I'VE BEEN IN THE ROOM WHEN THERE'S SOME
DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS HAPPENING.
I DON'T WANT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT INVOLVED WITH THAT AT
ALL. I WANT WOMEN DOCTORS, LOCAL
POLITICAL LEADERS... >> Stephen: OH, SO CLOSE!
NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO DISCUSS HEALTH CARE WITH THEIR LOCAL
POLITICAL LEADERS, ESPECIALLY IF YOU LIVE IN ONE OF THOSE
REALLY SMALL TOWNS WHERE THE LOCAL MAYOR IS A DOG:
"MAKING THIS DECISION WAS RUFF, BUT I BELIEVE LIFE BEGINS AT--
SQUIRREL!"
♪ ♪ ♪ OZ ALSO MADE SOME VERY DUMB
COMMENTS ABOUT HIS SUPPORT FOR THE FORMER PRESIDENT.
>> I WOULD SUPPORT DONALD TRUMP IF HE DECIDED TO RUN FOR
PRESIDENT. >> ARE YOU CONCERNED ABOUT THE
ONGOING LEGAL INVESTIGATIONS INVOLVING THE FORMER PRESIDENT?
>> I HAVEN'T FOLLOWED THEM VERY CAREFULLY.
I'VE BEEN CAMPAIGNING PRETTY AGGRESSIVELY.
THEY'LL WORK THEMSELVES OUT. >> Stephen: THEY'LL WORK
THEMSELVES OUT? HE'S A PRESIDENT BEING ACCUSED
OF TREASON, NOT A CAT WHO SWALLOWED SOME TINSEL!
( LAUGHTER )
LET ME POINT OUT, HE HASN'T BEEN WATCHING, BUT HE HAS AN OPINION
ANYWAY. THAT'S LIKE A COACH SAYING,
"HERE'S THE PLAY: GET THE BALL TO MICHAELS, THEN ZAG LEFT, HIS
LEFT. NO, YOUR LEFT, DOESN'T MATTER.
I'VE NEVER LOOKED AT THIS FIELD BEFORE.
I'VE BEEN BUSY. WHAT'S PIG SKIN, AND DOES IT
COME WITH DIP?! ALSO, WHICH ONE OF YOU IS
MICHAELS? DON'T ANSWER THAT.
I WANT TO BE SURPRISED. 'HOPE-FOR-THE-BEST' ON THREE!
YAHTZEE!"
DEBATE NIGHT FOR MICHIGAN GOVERNOR GRETCHEN WHITMER AND
HER OPPONENT, KIRKLAND BRAND GRETCHEN WHITMER, TUDOR
DIXON. DIXON IS ANOTHER ANTI-CHOICE
MAGA REPUBLICAN. WELL, TURNS OUT, THAT'S VERY
UNPOPULAR IN MICHIGAN, SO SHE'S FOCUSED HER CAMPAIGN ON ANOTHER
ISSUE ENTIRELY, AND IT CAME UP AGAIN LAST NIGHT
>> WHAT I'VE HEARD FROM PARENTS ACROSS THE STATE IS
INAPPROPRIATE CONTENT IN SCHOOL LIBRARIES.
IF YOU HAVE MATERIAL IN YOUR SCHOOL THAT IS SOMETHING THAT
YOU CAN'T READ TO A CHILD AT A BUS STOP BECAUSE YOU WOULD BE
ARRESTED BECAUSE IT IS PORNOGRAPHIC, THEN IT SHOULD NOT
BE IN OUR CLASSROOMS. >> AH, YES, CHILDHOOD.
WE ALL HAVE HAPPY MEMORIES OF BEDTIME, WHEN YOU'D GET IN YOUR
P.J.s, GRAB A GLASS OF WATER, THEN HEAD ON DOWN TO THE BUS
STOP FOR A BEDTIME STORY FROM A DRIFTER NAMED "SHAMBLES."
HE DOESN'T JUST DO THE VOICES; HE HEARS THEM.
( LAUGHTER )
MEMORIES. HAPPY MEMORIES.
AND DIXON'S NOT THE ONLY ONE WORRIED ABOUT THIS ISSUE.
SO IS THIS GUY SHE TOTALLY MADE UP.
>> I HAD A GENTLEMAN COME UP TO ME JUST A FEW NIGHTS AGO, AND
HE SAID, "I FOUND CONTENT IN MY SCHOOL LIBRARY DESCRIBING HOW TO
HAVE SEX TO MY SON. I WENT TO THE DEMOCRATS, AND I
SAID, "I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS IS IN THERE."
>> Stephen: OKAY.
THAT HAPPENED. BUT EVEN IF IT DID,
IF SOMEONE FOUND A BOOK THEY DIDN'T LIKE AT A SCHOOL LIBRARY,
WHY WOULD THEY GO TO THE DEMOCRATS?
THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "EXCUSE ME, IS THIS CHUCK SCHUMER'S OFFICE?
I DIDN'T LIKE THE FINALE OF 'HOUSE OF THE DRAGON.'
ALSO, THIS NATURAL PEANUT BUTTER IS TOO OILY WHEN IT'S IN THE
CUPBOARD BUT TOO HARD WHEN IT'S IN THE FRIDGE.
I'M VOTING REPUBLICAN! GOOD DAY, SIR!
I SAID GOOD DAY!"
DIXON CONTINUED: >> WHAT THESE PARENTS ARE
TALKING ABOUT ARE NOT TEXTBOOKS THAT WILL HELP CHILDREN LEARN
ABOUT THEMSELVES. THESE ARE BOOKS THAT ARE
DESCRIBING TO CHILDREN HOW TO HAVE SEX.
>> Stephen: SHE'S RIGHT. WE LOOKED IT UP, AND THERE ARE A
LOT OF CLASSIC CHILDREN'S BOOKS TEACHING KIDS ABOUT DOIN' IT.
THERE'S "WHERE THE WILD THINGS BONE," "IF YOU GIVE A MOUSE SOME
NOOKIE," AND "GREEN EGGS AND BUTT STUFF."
( LAUGHTER )
OH! WOULD YOU?
COULD YOU? WOULD YOU, COULD YOU, IN A BOX?
THERE'S ONE GUY WHO COULD'VE USED A LITTLE MORE SEX EDUCATION
WHEN HE WAS YOUNGER. YOU SEE, DOWN IN GEORGIA, WE'RE
GETTING MORE DAMNING NEWS ABOUT REPUBLICAN SENATE NOMINEE
HERSCHEL WALKER, SEEN HERE YELLING, "HIT ME WITH A GUMMY
BEAR. I'M OPEN!"
( LAUGHTER )
AND EARLIER TODAY, A WOMAN CAME FORWARD ALLEGING THAT SHE WAS IN
A RELATIONSHIP WITH HERSCHEL WALKER, AND THAT HE HELPED HER
HAE AN ABORTION. WAIT A SECOND.
DIDN'T WE DO THIS STORY ALREADY? AM I IN A RERUN RIGHT NOW?
NO? "LATE SHOW, ALL NEW."
NOT A RERUN. OKAY.
SO--
ARE WE RECORDING ME RIGHT NOW? OKAY, GREAT.
SO IT'S ANOTHER WOMAN, AND TODAY, SHE HELD A PRESS
CONFERENCE WITH HER LAWYER, GLORIA ALLRED.
AND THEY HAD A PRETTY CONVINCING AMOUNT OF EVIDENCE THAT WALKER
HAD A LONG RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS WOMAN, INCLUDING LETTERS,
PHOTOS, RECEIPTS, AND EVEN A VOICEMAIL WALKER LEFT FOR THE
WOMAN WHEN HE WAS IN FRANCE COMPETING AS A BOBSLEDDER IN THE
1992 WINTER OLYMPICS. OF COURSE, EVEN BEFORE JANE
DOE'S PRESS CONFERENCE BEGAN, HERSCHEL WALKER BEGAN TO PUSH
BACK. HERE'S WHAT HE SAID AT A
CAMPAIGN STOP THIS AFTERNOON. >> WELL, I'LL JUST SAY RIGHT
NOW, YOU KNOW, GUYS, I'M DONE WITH THIS FOOLISHNESS.
I'VE ALREADY TOLD PEOPLE THIS IS A LIE AND I'M NOT GOING TO
ENTERTAIN AND CONTINUE TO CARRY A LIE ALONE.
AND I ALSO WANT TO LET YOU KNOW I DIDN'T KILL J.F.K., EITHER.
>> Stephen: MAKING THAT THE FIRST JOB WALKER DIDN'T CLAIM
TO HAVE DONE.
TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE AUBREY PLAZA
AND THE CREATOR OF "THE 1619 PROJECT," NIKOLE HANNAH-JONES.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, "MEANWHILE!" JOIN US, WON'T YOU?
♪ ♪ ♪