OPRAH WINFREY: So, Dr. Chapman says the number one thing
he hears from couples on the brink is that the spark
is gone and they feel like roommates.
A few days ago we took a poll
on Facebook and oprah.com asking...
OPRAH WINFREY: ...how many of you feel more
like roommates than a married couple?
Oh, lord. It was so sad, pitiful.
Here are the results. 60 percent...
OPRAH WINFREY: ...feel like they are living as roommates.
Christine and her husband, Brad, are here and they
have been together ten years and say
they feel like roommates. Yeah.
CHRISTINE: Yeah. We do. We feel like,
I feel like that the spark is gone.
I feel like it wasn't what it was like in the beginning.
To the outside world this perfect relationship and,
you know, we drive nice cars
and we do nice vacations and, but in our four walls,
we're like, you know, that 15 minutes pass and go.
And we only communicate when it's about the children.
CHRISTINE: And I feel like he has a hard time communicating to me,
sharing his feelings.
So then he can't do that, so then I get angry
and then he clams up and I get even angrier.
OPRAH WINFREY: Okay, let's see your love languages.
What are your love languages?
Quality time and words of affirmation.
All right, go at it.
DR. GARY CHAPMAN: Well, you know, one of the things
I think you're experiencing, first of all is a very common thing.
When we come down off the high of the in love experience,
which didn't take any effort at all.
And if we don't know each other's love language what happens
is the love tank gets empty.
Neither of us really feel loved.
The differences get bigger.
We end up arguing with each other and without
resolving anything.
And after a while we're asking,
"Why did we get married?
We don't even like each other," you know.
DR. GARY CHAPMAN: And I identify with that because
in the early years of my marriage my wife
and I went through that same sort of scenario
because we had no concept of the love
languages in those days, but...
OPRAH WINFREY: Tell me about the love tank.
DR. GARY CHAPMAN: Yeah.
OPRAH WINFREY: You talk a lot about it in 5 Love Languages.
DR. GARY CHAPMAN: I just use the love tank as a picture,
you know, the gasoline tank in the car.
If it's empty, the car's not going to move.
And the same thing is true.
And I like to picture inside of us there's an emotional love tank.
If the tank is full, that is we genuinely feel loved,
then life is beautiful.
If the love tank is empty and we don't feel loved,
life begins to look pretty dark and the differences get bigger.
DR. GARY CHAPMAN: So I think, you know, the key,
in terms of how this particular insight could help,
if you understand that her language is words of affirmation,
then you're going to look for things that you
do see positive in her and you're going to verbalize that to her.
That's going to make her feel
a lot better because she's hearing some positive
things coming from you.
And what I hear him saying his language is quality time.
That means he wants to talk with you.
He wants to be with you, but not always discussing
the problems and the conflicts.
DR. GARY CHAPMAN: Can't we just sit down and have a good conversation
about, you know, something that's positive in life?
And the more you can give him undivided attention,
the more he's going to feel loved by you.
When both of you feel loved,
if the love tank is full, it's much easier to solve
the conflicts that, that exist between the two of you.
Every couple has conflicts.
Some learn to resolve them and some don't, but...
OPRAH WINFREY: How, how long have you all been married?
CHRISTINE: Ten years.
OPRAH WINFREY: So I think what you said and what you say
in 5 Love Languages, which has been on the best seller's list
for 283 weeks is that you have to have,
you have to know, because people get married and they have
this sort of fantasy and also,
as you said, you don't have to work at it for those first...
DR. GARY CHAPMAN: Right.
OPRAH WINFREY: ...couple of years if you're lucky.
You just .
DR. GARY CHAPMAN: Yeah.
OPRAH WINFREY: Do you want me to take out the trash?
Anything you want I'll do it.
DR. GARY CHAPMAN: Yes. Yes.
OPRAH WINFREY: Yes.
And then that starts to dissipate and people think,
"Well, the euphoria is gone" that that means that we've lost it.
DR. GARY CHAPMAN: Yeah. Yeah.
OPRAH WINFREY: Yes.
DR. GARY CHAPMAN: Or we made a mistake.
We shouldn't have gotten married.
OPRAH WINFREY: Or we made a mistake. Yeah.
DR. GARY CHAPMAN: Yeah. And I, I identify with that because,
as I said, I felt that in the early years of my marriage
when I came down off the high.
But if we can understand going in that there are two stages to romantic love.
There's the in-love experience and then there's the one...
OPRAH WINFREY: Which is euphoric.
DR. GARY CHAPMAN: Euphoric. Then there's the one that's far...
OPRAH WINFREY: Yah. Yes.
DR. GARY CHAPMAN: ...far more intentional.
OPRAH WINFREY: Yes.
DR. GARY CHAPMAN: And we have to learn how to communicate love.
But the need is still there and the ability is still
there if we get the information on what makes them feel loved.
OPRAH WINFREY: I thought that was so key because
I know so many people think when they go into what
they call the roommate stage or "we're not communicating"
or "we used to do" or "we used to go to these places"
and "you used to be so," that they think that that
means you've lost it.
And you're saying you haven't lost it.
You're just making a transition into the next phase.