- Here's what you do, just pull your dick out,
spit in her hand, and put it on there.
So I was like, fuck yeah.
So I took her hand, I licked it,
and I put it right on there.
Hold on to that for awhile.
And I put it on there, and she just jerked me off.
(upbeat techno music)
Welcome to this is not happening presents,
one crazy night.
So this is what we do.
Where a bunch of comedians,
tell stories about a similar subject.
So this is just one crazy night.
- [Announcer] Please put your hand together
for your host, Ari Shaffir.
(crowd cheers)
When I started going on the road,
I started opening for this guy named Joe Rogan.
He does the UFC commentary.
We're out once, it was so fun.
I'm used to shows that were like 25 people,
and we went out, I remember in West Palm Beach Florida,
to this amazing show, they were great every night.
And on Saturday night,
I don't know if you guys have ever been to
West Palm Beach, that's where white trash was invented.
(crows laughs)
Not a fun place, but at the end of the night,
on a Saturday night,
he goes hey let's go out and celebrate,
let's go to the strip club.
And I was like, well I don't have any money,
so I mean, if you wanna pay for that,
that's totally fine, but that's the only way I'm going.
So he was like yeah, ill pay for it.
So we all went to this strip club,
called Cheetahs.
Here's the deal, horrible club.
Fat girls working the pole like left and right.
There was a pregnant lady stripping.
Like, not even like a little pregnant,
like 8, 9, 10 months pregnant.
Where arms and legs were coming out.
So we're at this strip club,
it's pretty horrible, and it's just gross,
it's just full of white trashy groseness.
My friend and I see that somebody,
in the middle of the like showroom,
like right where you guys are sitting.
We saw a girl, one of the strippers,
sitting next to a guy, at a table,
and her arm was going like this the whole time.
And we're like what's going on there?
And we kept looking until we realized,
oh that girl is giving that guy a hand job,
right there at the table.
Just right there,
so we all just turned and just stared at it.
Were we not gonna look at a hand job
that's happening right in front of us?
There's no way.
It was awesome to look at,
until the guy like looks up and locks eyes with us.
And we're like, uh that's fucking weird.
Sorry about that.
That's a very personal moment,
I shouldn't be staring at you in the eye.
But we still really wanted to look.
And then we figured like oh,
this place is just full of mirrors.
We can just look at the mirror,
and then back at the guy.
We're like, yeah you get your degenerate on.
It was fucking great.
It was a little grainier, but like,
it did the trick.
Anyway, the girl finishes,
she gets up, she starts to walk away.
And, uh, hold your ews til later, please.
And my friend, Tait Fletcher, that I'm with,
he goes, I'm going to the bathroom right quick.
And I go, you just went
to the bathroom like two minutes ago.
And he goes, yeah you know.
No I don't know, I don't know.
What does that mean?
And he goes, I'm going to get a hand job from that girl.
I was like, do whatever you want bro,
it's your decision.
I'm not gonna judge you.
So Tait goes off with this girl,
well we found out later it was her first day,
her first week, and nobody told her
she didn't have to give out hand jobs.
(crowd laughs)
So one dude convinced her,
you know, when's the hand job start?
I guess that just happened.
So Tait went off, it was like a hazing process.
You know how sororities are.
Tait goes off with her,
comes back, about you know,
two, three minutes later.
And he goes, alright you're up.
What, no I'm not up.
What are you talking about?
Absolutely not.
And he goes dude, I already gave her 20 dollars.
Now, here's what you should know about Jews.
It is very difficult for us to just
let any money go to waste.
If there's twenty dollars,
if there's ever been a kryptonite for our people,
that's what it is.
Letting twenty dollars go to some stripper,
there's like no way, without earning it.
So I'm like, alright.
Well fine, I'll do it.
So like, what do you have to do?
Because I've never done this before.
I've never done anything like this before.
It was so foreign to me.
I'm like, so how do you make it happen?
Do you just go to them like,
uh one hand job please.
Do I take a number?
Like what the fuck's the process?
And so he goes, dude just take her,
like away to one of the private rooms or something.
And just, I already gave her the twenty bucks for you.
Just, here's what you do,
just pull your dick out,
spit on her hand,
and put it on there.
And then she'll do the,
if uhh you mean uhh-awesome,
yeah you're absolutely right.
But I've never done it
so I don't know if that's gonna happen or not.
So alright let's go,
so we went to this private room.
Semi-private, it's like you know,
you have like a little half wall.
Like a urinal wall next to you and another guy.
So this girl, like I sit down and she's starts like,
you know, lap dancing me.
And I'm like I'm freaking,
I'm so worried about actually pulling my dick out.
Because if she's not into it,
like if Tait was lying to me,
it's a really bad move.
You know what I mean.
There's no like halfway on a dick pull out.
That's like, you did it, you did that.
So she's on top of me dancing,
and I'm so fucking worried.
I'm like alright, I gotta go for it.
So I just, I pulled my dick out.
I unzipped and pulled, and she didn't freak out at all.
So I was like fuck yeah.
So I took her hand, and I licked it,
and I put it right on there.
Hold on to that for awhile.
Hold on to it.
And I put it on there,
and she just jerks me off.
It wasn't even like all the way out of my pants.
It was like just to the edge.
She just jerked me off.
It was right at the the end of the song too.
Cuz like the song started like winding down.
And she was like, should I,
you want another dance?
But I knew that was the end of the twenty bucks,
and I was so close, so I just like pushed into her.
I was like, no we're good now.
We're good.
Like I came right as she was like.
And I was like I'm cool.
So then she went her way,
I went to my friends.
And they saw, like did you get the hand job?
And I was like yeah.
And there like yeah,
oh yeah we can tell
because the fucking wet spot in your pants.
Just a big wet spot,
wet spot of shame of shame just right there.
And we looked around,
it's like oh there's wet spots all over this place.
It was like a bunch of people with wet spots.
It was like oh you met that girl too?
Oh cool.
It was almost like an I gave blood sticker.
But it's like, I gave cum.
Just letting everybody know that this happened.
Anyway, we left the place.
It was done, let's go out.
We went and got burritos at some shitty place.
And my friends asked me,
like what happened, how did it go?
And I told them.
You ever get a realization that happens to you,
and you realize what the truth is,
and you're just overcome with shame,
or whatever it is.
I was telling them, like what'd you do?
I'm like I pulled my dick out,
I licked her hand, and I put it on there.
And my friend said, Tait,
at Tait Fletcher on twitter,
he said, no I didn't say lick her hand.
I said spit on it.
I was very clear.
And I was like I'm not an asshole,
I'm not gonna just spit, it's right there.
It's some sort of.
And then he's like dude,
what did she do right before she did that for you?
I'm like she, oh fuck.
She just jerked off at least two guys that we saw.
We were only there for like 12 minutes.
She never once like made an attempt to
go to the bathroom to wash her hands off.
It wasn't like, I gotta,
of fuck another hand job to give, alright.
She never tried, like maybe she was
using cum as a cleanser for her hands.
To clean off some Chinese food she had earlier.
Yeah I pretty much gave my friend a blow job.
That's pretty much what happened.
Not even the fun part of the blow job,
where you get to give joy to someone.
Just the horrible part, where you get cum in your mouth.
That's it, thank you very much everybody.
Hi everybody, I hope you enjoyed the story.
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