I was a big soccer player in high school I loved it and I especially loved
scoring goals now if you've got a shot at the goal and you think
don't hit the post don't hit the post what do you think you'll hit or if you
look at the goalie and think keep it away from the goalie where do you think
the ball will go it will hit the post or the goalie every single time where we
put our focus is crucial for success so in soccer you have to pick what you do
want to hit you have to pick a specific point at the back of the net and stare
at that with laser vision and when you kick the ball all the muscle memory and
training will combine to make your chances of success a lot higher we can
see this problem with focus in the lives of the person we're trying to help and
also in our role as helpers if we only focus on their weaknesses problems and
flaws then we're going to likely make them worse instead I encourage a
strengths-based approach so it's not about denying or invalidating the
reality of present moment difficulties it's about choosing where we want to
focus our attention a strength-based approach means instead of trying to get
rid of problems point your actions and words towards solutions instead of
trying not to feel sad try to fill your life with purpose instead of avoiding
feeling lonely try to fill your life with a connection and love instead of
avoiding feeling empty look to find a meaning for your life instead of
escaping sadness seek to create joy and peace instead of avoiding anxiety work
to live the life you value even if it makes you uncomfortable it's easy when
we're tired confused frustrated or struggling to only see the negative as
we work to help our loved one overcome depression we may become hyper focused
on depression same with anxiety we build an entire set of habits and adaptations
and a life around our anxiety this tends to worsen the mental illness and
suddenly we lose our life focus and direction what we want our life to be
about I've heard a a problem centered approach
referred to as dead people goals so goals like I don't want to feel sad our
goals that the only people who achieve them are dead a problem centered approach
looks like we become so wrapped up in trying not to feel depressed that we
lose track of what we want to make of life we notice others flaws and
weaknesses and may constantly point them out or we pay attention to and are quick
to correct bad behavior but slow to remember and acknowledge the good if we
completely focus on eliminating weaknesses then it's like telling LeBron
James that instead of practicing basketball he needs to learn chemistry
because that's an area of weakness make sure to keep a positive focus now I
don't mean blowing rainbow and butterflies up anyone's butt I mean
focus on what you want not on what you don't want so with little kids if you
say don't hit your sister the only action word in that sentence is hit what
do you think your child is gonna do like they're gonna hit someone instead you
say please be soft with your sister or keep your hands to yourself if you tell
someone don't be anxious calm down they are gonna automatically tighten up speak
to your person about their successes strengths goals dreams desires and not
just about their problems and pain instead we have to choose directions
that we can act upon daily gratitude practice take time to acknowledge the
good things build a life of abundance set goals that are within your realm of
control so instead of saying I want to feel happy today say I will choose to be
grateful today or I will exercise today tasks that move you towards that goal
notice and speak about the positive help your person see their efforts put your
attention on what your life purpose and values are instead of hyper focusing on
emotions the paradox of emotions is that the more we try to force or avoid our
emotions the worse we feel the more we focus on the life we desire the better
we feel strive for a 5 to 1 ratio of interactions this takes a lot of work
with family members that means 5 uplifting bonding or positive actions
for everyone corrective interaction check out the link to a supplemental
video on this topic ask yourself in them what is working for you for example
you're holding down a job or you got out of bed this morning
etc ask about exceptions are there times when you do feel motivated are there
times when you have been able to do that activity even though it scared you
I like the strengths finder approach to leadership which basically says that
instead of focusing all your efforts on removing your weaknesses as a leader
pair yourself with someone who balances out your weaknesses with their strengths
so for example if you're very creative but not very organized then you find a
mentor or a partner who's great at that and you work with them what strengths do
you bring to the table to face this challenge what resources do you have to
help you by identifying and acting upon strengths you'll be more likely to
foster good self-esteem help create change and maintain good relationships
with your person