Welcome to another Dark Corners James Bond Top Tens.
When we decided to these we wanted to cover all aspects of Bond... that can be comfortably grouped together as a 10.
The obvious and the more off the wall.'
Safe to say we are starting with the obvious.
Everyone knows Bond girls have suggestive names,
that’s why Austin Powers has...
‘Alotta Fagina’
But actually, they’re really thin on the ground.
Never mind a top ten, finding ten was a challenge.
Timothy Dalton and Daniel Craig’s Bonds are too serious for this game,
‘You’re Miss Stephanie Broadchest...’
'I am not.'
'You are going to have to trust me on that.'
mostly. So we’re starting at the tail end of the Brosnan era with two that come in joint tenth because they only just make the cut.
‘I am peaceful fountains of desire’
It’s not really an innuendo when you just say it,
'I come with compliments of the manager.'
but it’s definitely a visual image.
'I'm not that type of masseuse.'
‘Christmas Jones. And don’t make any jokes, I’ve heard them all.’
And that’s not suggestive until you do start making the jokes.
‘I thought Christmas only comes once a year.’
Or at least, joke.
Couldn’t they have said something about stockings, baubles, Jingle bells,
I don’t know it just feels like there was more mileage there.
You’d think this sort of thing was right in Roger Moore’s ballpark,
not least because his own name is more of a double entendre than that of most Bond girls,
but again, many of them are just barely trying.
At number nine from A View to a Kill.
‘I’m Jenny Flex’
‘Of course you are.’
A character played by Alison Doody, who would later encounter another James Bond in a slightly different guise.
‘How did you know she was Nazi?’
‘She talks in her sleep.’
Little better at number eight is Moneypenny’s one-time assistant in Octopussy.
‘This is Miss Penelope Smallbone my new assistant.’
'Miss Smallbone.'
Incidentally we’ve left out Octopussy herself because, as a double meaning...
'That's my little Octopussy.'
I have no idea what that would actually mean.
At number 7, you’ve got to admire this girl from The Man With the Golden Gun
who plays no role in the rest of the film,
and has apparently shown up, naked, just for a single joke.
'Sounds very tempting Miss?'
‘Chu me’ 'Really.'
In fact this was Francoise Therry’s only film role; that’s dedication to a dirty joke.
'There is only one small problem, I've not got my swimming trunks.'
'Neither have I.'
But the golden era of the dirty named Bond girl is the Connery years,
starting as it means to go on.
'I admire your courage Miss?'
‘Trench, Sylvia Trench.’
Not the most appealing of names, but it is through Miss Trench we first meet Bond in Dr No.
‘I admire you luck Mr?’
‘Bond, James Bond.’
and she would reappear in From Russia with Love,
the only returning Bond girl in the franchise’s lengthy history,
until Madeleine Swann in No Time to Die.
Incidentally, fans of Hammer Horror will recognise actress Eunice Gayson from The Revenge of Frankenstein.
Of course, Dr No does have a better known Bond girl and she comes in at number 5.
Though she only shows up an hour into the movie, Ursula Andress is surely the most iconic Bond girl,
largely because of that first appearance,
overshadowing a rare name that manages to be quite pretty as well subtly suggestive.
‘Ryder.’ ‘Ryder What?’
‘Honey Ryder’
Andress would go on to play Vesper Lynd in the 1967 Casino Royale,
'Mr Bond.'
'You missed Mr Bond.'
which also includes a character called Miss Goodthighs,
'I'm Miss Goodthighs.'
'I can see that.'
but the film’s not canon so it doesn’t count.
;Very sexy pants you are wearing James.'
At number 4 far less subtle than Honey Ryder is this ill-fated character from Diamonds are Forever,
whose name is a double double entendre.
‘Hi, I’m Plenty.’ ‘Of course you are.’
That’s a good start, but then...
‘Plenty O’Toole’ ‘Named after your father perhaps.’
Penelope Smallbone’s father can only look on with envy.
'What the hell is this a perverts convention or something?'
Plenty is one of several casual Bond girls who are more or less disposable.
'Exceptionally fine shot.'
'I didn't know there was a pool down there.'
and was played by Lana Wood, sister of West Side Story star Natalie Wood.
Into the top three we’re back with Brosnan for one of the highlights of his tenure.
‘Xenia Zaragevna Onatopp’
‘Onatop?’ By Name.
‘Onatop’ By nature.
Played by Famke Janssen, Xenia Onatop is one of a sub-set of Bond girls whose name also describes them,
and while many Bond Girls exist just to be pretty, vulnerable and horizontal, in that order,
Onatop is a genuine character,
'Oh, you think you can hurt me.'
and a genuine threat.
'You think you can break me.'
She was a key part of the mid-90s reboot, and sort of a bridge in series’ changing attitude towards its female characters.
'No, no, no, no more foreplay.'
Narrowly beating out Onatop for the number two spot is…
‘Holly Goodhead’
You’ve got to admire it’s purity, that is after all a real name.
'I'm looking for Dr. Goodhead.'
'You just found her.'
'A woman.'
Arguably Dr Goodhead, played by Lois Chiles,
is the only principal Bond girl of the Moore years with a proper double entendre name,
unless you count Miss Goodnight in The Man With the Golden Gun.
'I approve.'
'You do?'
'Not the wine, your frock.'
Or XXX in the Spy Who Loved Me,
'You sent for me omrade General.'
But XXX is her code name, not her real name, and although it could refer to an X rating...
'Triple X!'
'Bond what do you think you're doing?'
It could just as easily be a mint.
'Keeping the British end up sir.'
While Goodnight just sounds like goodnight as opposed to a good night.
Neither of the goods, night or head, is as memorable a character as Onatop
– Dr Goodhead one of the least memorable Bond Girls full stop –
'My God, what's Bond doing?'
'I think he's attempting re-entry sir.'
nor do they really contest for the number one spot, which let’s be honest, you knew before we started.
‘My name is Pussy Galore’
‘I must be dreaming’
There was really only one place this was going to end.
Played by the great Honor Blackman, and one of the very few Bond girls older than Bond,
Pussy Galore is such a dirty name that it’s the reason people think all Bond Girl names are dirty.
'You're a woman of many parts Pussy.'
Like it’s so dirty, it’s made those around it unclean.
'You're quite a girl Pussy.'
What’s close to genius about the name is that it is so on the nose,
that your brain almost rebels against it,
and you find yourself thinking ‘Oh that’s quite clever what they’ve done there’
as if Pussy really was a common Christian name or indeed Galore a common surname.
'Oh very chic Miss Galore, don't you agree. Please entertain Mr Bond for more Pussy.'
There’s no subtlety, it’s not a pun or a play on a more common name,
it just is what it is,
'For their benefit Pussy, let's make Bond as happy as possible.'
Her name is that.
'I even had to remind Pussy about it.'
And I’d love to have been there for the christening when the vicar said,
‘Are absolutely sure about this Mr and Mrs Galore’.
It’s only the fact that children might think it’s about cat, that allows the film to be shown on a bank holiday weekend.
‘Pussy’ ‘Pussy’ ‘And Pussy?’
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