“Would you rather give up the amount of hair gel you use in your hair...
or the amount of hand gestures you make while speaking?”
Oh, man.
Can I live?
Can I live, you guys?
I pour my heart out. I do my best.
First it was the pockets.
Now you guys are coming after my hair and my hands.
Okay, this is what I’ll do.
I gotta do the hands
The hands have to stay.
I’ll wear a hat— I’ll wear a hat and move the hands.
It’s pomade.
It is coconut oil, but like if I need it to hold for taping, then we gotta—
we gotta do more than just grandpa’s secret recipe.
We gotta— We gotta lock it in for 1080p.
Is Angela here?
This is a great— Angela, this is a great question.
“If Ben & Jerry’s came out with a new ice cream flavor named after you or the show,
what would it be?”
Angela you— you have an idea. What do you think it is?
Okay, so what’s yours? What’s the— what’s the Angela ice cream?
So it’s all regular cake and then there’s just one baby carrot in it?
Wait, wait, wait. So you’re just gonna eat all this cake and you’re like,
“I feel really shitty” and then be like…
There’s one carrot.
You’re gonna top it with a vegetable?
That’s so weird that you flipped it, you’re not supposed to flip it.
You’re supposed to have the baby carrot first.
You start with the baby carrot and then you’re like,
“That’s gross. I know why I’m here.”
Then you get into the cake.
What’s the name of the ice cream though? That’s the question.
Oh, come on, it has to have your name in it.
I would do Sorbetriot Act.
You guys, come on. Like–
Sorbetriot Act.
Shadow, that’s good, right?
Don’t– don’t say that just cause I…
It’s sorbet!
Sorbetriot Act.
Okay.
What flavor is it?
It’s sorbet. I mean, you guys, what?
It could be any of the fruit flavors.
Sure. I mean, mango.
I have to do mango.
Alphonso Mango Sorbetriot Act.
And there’s no fucking carrots in it at all!
No carrots!
Okay. How about— what do you guys think of this one?
Hasan Bhaice Cream.
Come on!
I like that!
Ice Cream Hasandwich?
That’s amazing!
Alright.
How about this?
Ice Cream Hasandwich: it’s chocolate, and then chocolate on the inside.
‘Cause I keep it super real.
You know how they’re always like, “Yeah, he’s a coconut,
he’s brown on the outside, white on the inside.”
And it’s like, no, no, no, he keeps it one-hundred thousand.
How about Student Loan Cone?
It’s just like a cone of ice cream...
and then in the middle is just like a FAFSA application.
Student Loan Cone.
What’s your– what’s your guys’ favorite ice cream?
What’s your favorite— favorite ice cream?
Just straight up cook—?
Oreo?
Cookies and cream is great.
I love pralines and cream.
This is– you know what– this is, I want this whole thing to just go online, this is just my long play.
Ben & Jerry’s…
call me.
I mean, come on.
Add me to the rotation.
Kit Kat Patriot Act?!
Shit, that’s great too.
Did you just come up with that?
That’s genius.
Kit Kat Patriot Act.
That has like a…
A like, tck tck tck, it like, moves.
Alright, what’s your favorite Ben & Jerry’s flavor?
I fucking hate Cherry Garcia. Cherry Garcia’s so gross!
Isn’t it gross? It’s disgusting.
I feel like– I feel like it’s such a misdirect.
I come in, I’m like, “Oh, this is gonna be great,” and then it’s like,
it tastes like medicine and I’m like “What are we doing here?”
I know there’s chunks— little chunks of like, chocolate in it, but I’m like, don’t–
...no.
Death by Chocolate, that’s like extreme.
What’s Half Baked?
Is it a double entendre you’re supposed to have it when you’re high?
What’s up? Talk to me.
Chocolate Minhaj?
Chocolate Mint-aj, oh that’s great!
I think that’s the best one— that’s pretty great!
Wow. Has to have three layers.
Yeah. I’m cool. I don’t— I’m not even— I’m just in it for the branding. I just wanna…
If it’s punny I’ll do it, yeah, sure.
That’s great. You get ten percent of that.
You know why Cherry Garcia’s gross?
It’s, they’re putting–
let’s be honest, okay. You know what it is?
It’s like, it’s like when they put raisins in cookies.
You’re like, “Get this cookie outta here.”
Get these out!
Don’t mix this. We’re having fun.
It’s like carrots in your ice cream, like,
keep the carrots in Carrotland.
We’re about to go hard and have some ice cream.
Hasundae Minhaj— You guys are killin’ it.
Alright, “Hey Hasan. It’s awesome that you and Beena are together.
Do you have any love advice for the romantics that are stuck in this hookup culture?”
What?
This is from Farjana. Is Farjana here?
Damn. I don’t— I mean— I’ve been out the game.
I don’t know what’s going on. I mean it’s…
Yes.
It wasn’t cool at the time.
She didn’t like it.
She did not like it at all.
Yeah, but somebody proposed in another balloon.
So they beat me to the punch.
Yeah, it does suck.
Why are we rehashing this?
Why are you putting me through this again?
Um, what’s my advice?
A lot of the things that I found to be like, really important or valuable in my 20s
are not the same things that I found to be important and valuable in my 30s.
And uh, you know, Beena has a lot of the qualities that I aspire to have,
which is really cool.
She’s like, almost like this like, moral inspiration barometer. You know?
Like, kindness,
empathy,
um— she’s like a nucleus.
Like people are just– the other electrons are always drawn to her.
And so those are all those things that like— Yeah, I’ve always tried to have.
‘Cause I’m also like, super emotional. I get like way too turnt.
I’m like Beto. I get on top of tables and I’m like, “We gotta talk about this.”
And she has a very calming energy.
Get you a guy who calls you a nucleus?
I mean, she is though. She for real is.
She’s here, like, she’s here at rehearsal.
She’ll be here– there’ll be like nine people.
It’ll be like Wu Tang Klan in the dressing room and I’m like, “Who are these nine people?”
And she’s like, “Oh, this person lives in the building,
um, I saw this person at the coffee shop, they didn’t have any friends, so they’re—”
And I’m like, what?
You know what I mean? Stuff like that that like,
I’ll be honest, if I saw a random person at the coffee shop alone I’d be like,
“Hey man, best of luck,” and I’d just keep moving.
I wouldn’t be like, “You wanna come to the taping and...?”
Stuff like that. Stuff like that.
Um, how’s it going for you? Is everything alright?
I mean this is a very…
There’s a lot of people here. Maybe there’s someone single here.
You guys can talk about issues, ice cream. I don’t know.
“Any plans to make a movie with Shah Rukh Khan now that he knows who you are?”
I don’t know if you guys know...
I don’t know if he knows who I am.
But I had a— I put something up on Instagram about getting my first mil—
I got– I got one million Instagram followers.
And I texted my dad about it.
I was like, “Dad, I hope you’re proud, one million Instagram followers!” Exclamation point.
And then he was like,
“Shah Rukh Khan has
seventeen million more followers.”
And then, um, like, that post kinda went viral.
And then Shah Rukh Khan commented on the post and he’s like,
“Hey, just so you know I’m a fan of the show,
so you can tell that to your dad.”
That was very sweet, but—
How would I explain Shah Rukh Khan to
people who don’t know who Shah Rukh Khan is?
He’s like the— Bollywood icon.
Biggest movie star in the world you would say?
I’d say like, him and The Rock.
Yeah. He’s a huge deal.
He’s a Bollywood romantic icon. But,
when people are like, “How old is he?,” I’m like, “He’s like 50.”
So people are like, “He’s like Tom Cruise,” and I’m like, “Yeah, but without the Scientology.”
Yeah. Yeah. He’s awesome.
There’s a, there’s a poster here in New York? Where?
In the Swiss Alps there’s just a random poster of them?
That’s how big they are. That for real for real.
They’re like, this is where– Did you go visit it? You made pilgrimage?
Oh.
“What’s your favorite pasta shape?”
This might be one of the toughest ones– this is the tough one. This is from Ben.
Where’s Ben at?
What’s yours, dude?
That was limited edition?
They only drop it in the– in the winter?
Have you stocked up on it?
Like do you, do you stock up on so much of it that it’s ready for spring too?
Got it.
Is it good or do you just like the shape?
Really?
What’s it called?
Okay.
Penne.
Can we agree that angel hair is the fucking worst?
What are you doing?
It’s, like, not confident.
You know what I mean it’s just like, “I’m here.”
And it’s like, “Dude believe in yourself.”
Have some girth, have some thickness, have some just— Come in and go, “Hey.”
Like, penne’s like, “I know what I am.”
Ravioli’s like, “I’m thicc. Two Cs, like I know what it is.”
Bucatini dude, it’s a fatter spaghetti, yes.
Bucatini, bro.
It’s got the hole through it, so it’s thick so you
get the outside sauce sometimes there’s a surprise.
It’s got a great bite.
But then sometimes there’s a little surprise in the middle, you’re like, “Oooh, extra.”
And unexpected surprises are the great thing about life.
“What’s the most useless talent you have? Show us.”
Guys, I can do the splits.
I’m not gonna show you!
I can’t give it all away.
I’ll bust it out, you guys.
I haven’t– I’m not even gonna give you a taste, bro.
This is free. I’m not– you guys gotta pay.
You guys gotta pay to see me do the splits.
I gave you all those ice cream flavors.
I mean, we collaborated, but...
Dude, look, my pants are too tight.
I swear I can do it. I just can’t show you right now.
“If you could instantly become an expert in something, what would it be?”
Excuse me?
Hair product.
If I could be an expert in that?
Yeah.
Did my dad send you here to roast me?
Come on, man.
Like, how is this a thing? Like…
I just get it every week.
People are showing up and like, 70 percent of these Q&As are just like,
“Hey man, it’s all cool what you’re doing, you need to be better.”
The Q&A should just be called “Do Better with Hasan Minhaj.”
You know what I was gonna say, Uncle?
Are you, are you a dad?
You’re a dad, right?
Okay.
Do you have a special talent?
Choreography?
I thought you said pornography. I’m gonna be 100 percent honest with you.
I’m gonna be 100 percent honest with you.
I didn’t wanna say that. I didn’t wanna be disrespectful.
I thought I heard you say pornography.
But I like, I gotta respect you cause you’re a parent and you’re an uncle, I gotta res—
Photography?
Didn’t it...?
Okay, good.
You’re like, “I’m here with my daughter. Pornography.”
I was gonna say marine biologist.
Because I, whatever’s happening in the ocean is crazy.
You ever watched those like, crazy documentaries?
Okay.
Crowd work is really hard with Indian dads cause like,
“Hey, you into anything?”
“No.”
“Do you like me?”
“No.”
“What do you think I should do right now?”
“End the show.”
No, like the, whatever’s happening in the ocean terrifies me.
You ever seen those weird blobfishes and there’s like, teeth?
And you’re like, where...what’s happening?
Both of these things— we’re existing on land and you’re just existing down there
in this weird waterous dungeon.
Neither of us know about each other, so.
I just wanna know what’s happening there.
Okay.
Do you have any special talents?
Yeah.
What if you said pornography?
That’d be really funny.
Alright, thank you guys so much, take care.
This was fun, bye!