CUSTOMER Excuse me.
OWNER How can I help you today, sir?
CUSTOMER Yeah, I just had a couple of questions.
Are you the manager here or . . . ?
OWNER Manager and sole proprietor for the last twenty-two
years, and my daddy owned and ran the place for almost twenty before that.
Proud to be the only video rental store still open in the great state of Montana
CUSTOMER Okay.
You’d be the fella to talk to, then.
I thought it would be fun to introduce my kids to some of the movies I loved when I
was their age, and —
OWNER Show ‘em what it was like back when Hollywood
knew how to make a movie, huh?
CUSTOMER I guess.
Anyway, I was thinking I’d show ‘em Mrs. Doubtfire.
But, uh, I’ve looked all around and I don’t see it anywhere.
Do you not have that one, I guess?
OWNER Oh, no sir, we’ve got it all right.
Just go around the corner here and through the doorway at the far end of that wall.
CUSTOMER Through the doorway . . . with the beaded
curtain in front of it?
OWNER That’s the one!
CUSTOMER But . . . isn’t that the . . . porno section?
OWNER That’s right.
OWNER You see, sir, the Governor of our great state
recently signed into law an act prohibiting sexually oriented activity from taking place
in the presence of a minor — that is, a person under the age of 18 years — and furthermore
banned drag performances, defined as males or females adopting flamboyant and exaggerated
personas, from taking place in the presence of minors.
CUSTOMER . . . So?
OWNER So, Mrs. Doubtfire — as you know, having
seen the film — features a male performer, the late Mr. Robin Williams, adopting a flamboyant
and exaggerated female persona.
CUSTOMER You think Mrs. Doubtfire was a flamboyant
and exaggerated persona?
OWNER I think the accent was a little broad —
CUSTOMER Wait a minute, I’ve read about that new
law.
It only applies to live performances.
OWNER For now.
But, I figure it’s only a matter of time before they pass some amendment that does
apply to movies, so I might as well get ahead of it.
CUSTOMER You don’t think you’re overreacting?
I’ve read the bill they passed — it bans drag story hours at public schools and libraries,
but it doesn’t explicitly define drag performances as sexually oriented.
OWNER Oh, I reckon that’d be a matter for the
courts to decide.
In the meantime, since I can hardly afford the five thousand dollar maximum fine for
a first offense, I decided to play it safe and re-locate Mrs. Doubtfire and several others
to behind the beaded curtain.
It’s all alphabetized by title, just like out here.
Mrs. Doubtfire would be on the third shelf from the bottom about halfway in on your left.
CUSTOMER So, you’re saying you’ve moved every movie
in your collection that has a character who dresses up as the opposite sex into the porno
section.
OWNER Every one I knew of.
If you noticed any I missed, you be sure to let me know.
CUSTOMER Tootsie’s in the porno section?
OWNER Yes, sir.
CUSTOMER Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.
OWNER Yes, sir.
CUSTOMER Rocky Horror Picture Show.
OWNER Oh, lord, yes.
CUSTOMER Have you got Basic Instinct?
OWNER Yes sir.
CUSTOMER What section?
OWNER Over there with the thrillers.
CUSTOMER How about Showgirls?
OWNER That’d be under drama.
CUSTOMER Fifty Shades of Grey.
OWNER Romance.
CUSTOMER Nuns on the Run.
OWNER That’s a porno.
CUSTOMER Body Heat.
OWNER Thriller.
CUSTOMER Two-Moon Junction.
OWNER Thriller.
CUSTOMER The Birdcage.
OWNER Porno.
CUSTOMER Boogie Nights.
OWNER Drama.
CUSTOMER Mark Wahlberg pulls his cock out in the last
scene, dude.
OWNER Is he dressed like a woman when he does it?
CUSTOMER No.
OWNER Drama.
CUSTOMER Do you have Bosom Buddies?
OWNER Yes, sir, we’ve got the complete series
DVD box set.
CUSTOMER Where?
OWNER In the porno section.
CUSTOMER What about Brokeback Mountain?
OWNER Yes, sir.
CUSTOMER Where at?
OWNER Westerns.
CUSTOMER The Joker butt-fucks Mysterio in that one.
OWNER I wish you’d keep your homophobia to yourself.
CUSTOMER I’m not homophobic!
I have no problem with it — but don’t you think it’s a little ridiculous that
you’ve got all these movies with actual graphic sexual content shelved out here where
anyone can find them, but you’ve got Mrs. Doubtfire in the porno section because Robin
Williams plays a guy who pretends to be an elder Scottish nanny?
OWNER It’s not for me to say, sir.
I’m just trying to run my business in accordance with the laws and mores of my community.
CUSTOMER Yentl.
OWNER Porno.
CUSTOMER Some Like It Hot.
OWNER Porno.
CUSTOMER Big Momma’s House.
OWNER Porno.
CUSTOMER Sorority Boys.
OWNER Porno.
CUSTOMER Madea’s Family Reunion.
OWNER Oh, Tyler Perry’s got his own shelf back
there.
CUSTOMER Don’t you think it’s outrageous that you
even feel you have to do this?
OWNER Frankly, sir, it’s an inconvenience, but
maybe it’s worth it.
Our elected legislators and our governor, in their wisdom, have created these laws,
and may create others in the future, Some of those laws might be an aggravation for
me, or for you, but sir, we live in a world where we are threatened from all sides by
dangers of every kind, and if we can safeguard our children against the things that would
do them harm, well, I don’t know about you, sir, but I’m okay with a little aggravation
in exchange for that.
CUSTOMER You moved so many videos to the porno section
— what are you gonna do with all that extra shelf space?
OWNER Probably start selling guns.
CUSTOMER That tracks.