( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Jon: HEY!
>> Stephen: FOLKS, IT'S GOING TO BE A
ROLLER COASTER COUPLE OF MONTHS FOR FORMER NEW YORK CITY MAYOR
AND MAN WHO REFUSED TO TAKE HIS SUIT OFF FOR HIS PROSTATE EXAM,
RUDY GIULIANI.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE 20TH ANNIVERSARY OF 9/11
REMINDED PEOPLE OF THE HEROIC IMAGE RUDY ONCE HAD, UNTIL HE
TURNED UP HAPPY AT A COMMEMORATIVE
DINNER AND STARTED RAMBLING ABOUT THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND.
(IMPERSONATING THE QUEEN) SHE SAID YOU DID A WONDERFUL JOB
ON SEPTEMBER 11.
AND THEREFORE I'M MAKING YOU AN HONORARY KNIGHT, COMMAND OF THE,
ROYAL... SOMETHING OR OTHER.
I KNOW PRINCE ANDREW IS VERY QUESTIONABLE NOW.
I NEVER WENT OUT WITH HIM.
EVER.
NEVER HAD A DRINK WITH HIM, NEVER WAS WITH A YOUNG WOMAN OR
A YOUNG GIRL WITH HIM.
NEVER, EVER, EVER.
ONE TIME I MET HIM IN MY OFFICE >> STEPHEN: OF COURSE RUDY MET
WITH PRINCE ANDREW AND THE QUEEN.
HE'S THE CLOSEST WE HAVE TO ROYALTY, IN THAT HE MARRIED HIS
COUSIN AND HAS TOO MANY TEETH FOR HIS MOUTH.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS PERFORMANCE LEFT SOME
CONCERNED THAT RUDY MAY HAVE AN ALCOHOL PROBLEM.
WHICH HE REFUTED BY SAYING I HAD A SCOTCH.
BUT I WAS NOT DRUNK, I CAN'T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME THAT I
WAS DRUNK.
CLASSIC LAWYER TRICK: IF YOU NEVER STOP DRINKING, TECHNICALLY
THERE WAS NO LAST TIME.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THAT WASN'T EVEN THE MOST
EMBARRASSING FOOTAGE OF RUDY TO COME OUT RECENTLY BECAUSE HE WAS
ALSO CAUGHT ON CAMERA SHAVING IN PUBLIC WHILE SITTING IN THE
J.F.K. AIRPORT DINING AREA.
(DRY HEAVING) SORRY.
I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT DINING AT J.F.K..
( LAUGHTER ) ( DRY HEAVING )
IS THE BAR -- ( DRY HEAVING )
( LAUGHTER ) AND THINGS AREN'T LOOKING GOOD
FOR RUDY'S LAW PRACTICE EITHER.
BECAUSE AFTER PEDDLING HIS BASELESS ELECTION CONSPIRACIES
HE'S NOW FACING RISING FINANCIAL ISSUES, AND THE THREAT OF
DISBARMENT, AND A LAWSUIT FROM DOMINION VOTING SYSTEMS IN THE
AMOUNT OF $1.3 BILLION.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WOW!
$1.3 BILLION!
RUDY'S NEVER GOING TO RAISE THAT KIND OF MONEY, UNLESS HE TAKES
HIS EMPTIES IN FOR RECYCLING.
( LAUGHTER ) STRAPPED FOR CASH, RUDY FOUND A
NEW SOURCE OF INCOME: RECORDING PERSONALIZED MESSAGES ON THE APP
CAMEO.
RIGHT NOW A FROM RUDY WILL SET YOU BACK $325, WHICH MAY SEEM
LIKE A LOT.
BUT YOU GET, A LOT.
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS CLIP FROM ONE OF RUDY'S S THAT WENT ON FOR
FOURTEEN EXCRUCIATING MINUTES.
>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LENA, IT'S A GREAT PLEASURE FOR ME TO WISH
YOU A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
YOU KNOW, I'M RUDY GIULIANI.
IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HOSPITALS AND ACCREDITATION.
FOR A HOSPITAL TO BE UNACCREDITED, I DON'T THINK IT'S
EXAGGERATION TO SAY THEY'RE BASICALLY KILLING PEOPLE.
YOU MIGHT FIND INTERESTING, I HOPE YOU DO, RUDY'S COMMON SENSE
DOT COM.
YOU CAN GO ONLINE, AND IT'S A PODCAST, AND YOU CAN HIT
SUBSCRIBE, FOR FREE.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOUNG LADY AND HAVE A TERRIFIC CAREER.
>> Stephen: I'M SURE LENA WOULD HAVE
ENJOYED THAT VIDEO BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, BEFORE IT ENDED,
SHE DIED OF OLD AGE.
( APPLAUSE ) AND THIS HAS ALL CULMINATED WITH
THE REPORT LAST WEEK THAT RUDY GIULIANI HAS BEEN BANNED
FROM FOX NEWS.
BANNED FROM THE ONE NETWORK THAT ENCOURAGES DRUNKEN CONSPIRACY
THEORIES?
WILL RUDY EVER APPEAR ON TV AGAIN?
HERE WITH HIS THOUGHTS, FORMER NEW YORK MAYOR RUDY GIULIANI.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MR. MAYOR -- MR. MAYOR,
MR. MAYOR, WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW."
>> WRONG.
I'VE NEVER MET YOU BEFORE.
EVERRR EVER EVER EVER.
>> STEPHEN: SIR, YOU'VE BEEN ON THIS SHOW THREE TIMES.
>> I DEMAND A RECOUNT.
THIS IS MASSIVE RUDY FRAUD.
>> STEPHEN: YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE.
>> YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M A LITTLE CONFUSED.
LET ME TALK TO MY CHIEF OF STAFF.
( APPLAUSE ) YOU DESERVE A RAISE.
>> STEPHEN: SO IT'S TRUE YOU SOMETIMES GET DRUNK BEFORE
SPEAKING IN PUBLIC?
>> WHAT?
I NEVER GET DRUNK.
EVER EVER EVER.
I ONLY DRINK TO PROVIDE AN EXCUSE FOR THE WAY I ACT.
LEGALLY, THAT'S PLAUSIBLE DENIABILITY.
OR AS THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND WOULD SAY IT
(ACCENT) THAT'S JUST THE BOOZE TALKING,
INNIT GOVNUH?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WOW, THAT'S REALLY
GOOD.
THAT'S A GREAT IMPRESSION.
YOU SHOULD BE ON "THE CROWN."
>> NEVER EVER EVER EVER.
FOR STARTERS, STEPHEN, I HAVE IT ON GOOD AUTHORITY THAT THE QUEEN
OF ENGLAND RIGGED HER ELECTION ( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: MR MAYOR, THE QUEEN IS NOT ELECTED.
>> SO, YOU AGREE WITH ME!
>> STEPHEN: NO.
YOU'RE A LAWYER.
ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT THE THREAT OF BEING FULLY DIS-BARRED?
>> WHAT?
NO!
YOU CAN'T BAN ME FROM BARS!
THAT'S WHERE I MEET UP WITH MY LEGAL TEAM!
THIS GUY JUST MADE PARTNER.
>> Stephen: GO AHEAD.
HI TRAIT.
I'LL WAIT.
>> STEPHEN: NOW, MR MAYOR.
I HAVE TO ASK YOU ABOUT DOMINION.
HOW DO YOU PLAN TO HANDLE THEIR ONE POINT THREE BILLION DOLLAR
LAW SUIT?
>> STEPHEN, I'M GONNA ANSWER THAT QUESTION WITH THIS
QUESTION: WHO'S READY TO CELEBRATE THE 40TH WEDDING
ANNIVERSARY OF JACK AND DORIS MILLBURN?
HEY GUYS.
YOU KNOW, I'M RUDY GIULIANI.
THANKS FOR REQUESTING THIS VIDEO AND CONGRATS ON THE MARRIAGE.
NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT UNACCREDITED HOSPITALS--
>> STEPHEN: MISTER MAYOR, ARE YOU RECORDING A CAMEO IN THE
MIDDLE OF THIS INTERVIEW?
FORGIVE ME FOR SAYING SO, BUT YOU'VE HAD QUITE A FALL FROM
GRACE.
>> WHO IS GRACE?
IS SHE A FRIEND OF PRINCE ANDREW?
I NEVER MET HER EVER EVER EVER >> STEPHEN: NO, I MEAN YOU'RE
BANNED FROM FOX NEWS AND SHOOTING WEDDING VIDEOS.
THERE ARE EVEN RUMORS THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT WON'T SPEAK
WITH YOU ANYMORE.
>> NONSENSE.
I TALK TO HIM ALL THE TIME.
IN FACT, I OWE HIM A CALL.
HELLO, MR FORMER PRESIDENT, THIS IS RUDY GIULIANI SPEAKING.
THANK YOU FOR REQUESTING ME ON CAMEO.
I'M EXCITED TO, ONCE AGAIN, BE GETTING PAID TO SAY WHATEVER YOU
WANT ME TO.
HERE WE GO: I'M A TOTAL CLOWN WHO YOU'VE
NEVER MET AND I'M A DUMB LOSER, AN ABSOLUTE TURD IN A CHEAP SUIT
WHO CAN'T TELL HIS ASS FROM-- >> STEPHEN: SIR!
STOP!
EVEN BY YOUR OWN STANDARDS YOU'RE HUMILIATING YOURSELF ON
TELEVISION RIGHT NOW.
>> WHAT?
THEY LET ME ON TV AGAIN?
OH, GOD.
YOU'RE RIGHT, STEPHEN.
I LOOK LIKE A TOTAL EMBARRASSMENT.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) HANG ON!
>> Stephen: RUDY GIULIANI, EVERYONE!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOHN LITHGOW!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪