- So, now you're dating,
and you're in this world,
you're going on tour with him.
And was there a first step of like,
oh, this doesn't feel right.
- Literally the first day on tour.
The first day.
After the first concert,
I looked around at the world,
'cause you know,
I guess I was a young teenage girl
who idolized the music industry
and heard that tour was this magical thing,
and I was gonna go on this bus ride into fantasy land.
And then the first night,
it just hit me like a ton of bricks,
that this was not what I thought it was gonna be at all.
And I got scared almost right away
that I was in way over my head.
But at that point,
I'd taken so much media abuse
and I had put myself on the line
to be in this relationship with this person
in this very controversial way
because I thought I was in love.
And then when I started to see it sort of crumble
and when he started hurting me
and when it wasn't what I thought it was gonna be,
I was really in such denial and in too much shame
to admit to myself that maybe I'd gone down the wrong path.
You know, there's a great tactic
that people like him use
which is called triangulation.
And yeah, he did it with girls that came after me
and so on and so on.
We realized that there was a real pattern
to how he sets up new relationships and what he does.
And he really paints the one he's with
as this kind of crazy, abusive person.
And you're his friend, and he's like,
"Yeah, man, I'm going through all this terrible stuff
with this person I'm with,
and they're really awful,
and they make me feel terrible."
You know, he made it sound like
he was in an abusive relationship, you know?
And I'm going, "Oh my God,
poor baby." - Which is gaslighting.
- Gaslighting, yeah.
"Poor baby."
He did the same thing.
He said the same things about me
to the girls that came after me.
You know, this is what he does.
I have to paint this one as crazy
so that if she ever comes to you
and tries to warn you about the behavior,
it's already set up that she's crazy.
- So, and this went on for years,
the "Heart-Shaped Glasses" video, I think,
really kind of put the pieces of the puzzle together
of how much working in an industry
where you are required to bare your soul,
say yes, do what is asked of you.
- Right, right.
- So when you are with your lover
and you're making a music video
and you're simulating sex,
you know, where do you draw that line?
Because it's so confusing.
- I knew that I was uncomfortable
and that something terrible was happening,
but it was that, "Oh God, if I say anything,
I'm gonna get in trouble,
it's gonna hurt me, it's gonna hurt my career.
I can never tell anybody that this happened."
And again, just denial, denial,
push it down, push it down.
And you know, the "Heart-Shaped Glasses" music video,
there's no nudity contract that was drawn up,
there was no,
normally when you do an explicit sex scene,
it's talked about before, and this is what we're gonna do,
this is what we're gonna show,
this is what we're gonna agree to.
The footage will be destroyed afterwards.
You sign a contract.
That just didn't exist because this wasn't the plan.
- Also. - And it wasn't
until the cameras were rolling
that my clothes started being pulled off of me.
But I do remember that that day,
when things started happening,
very specifically having the thought,
wait, this isn't a dream,
this is really happening,
like I felt like I was in this dream-like state,
I was so out of it.
And it really wasn't,
I was in such shock when things were happening.
- Was that also why you stayed with him for years?
Because sometimes people will look and go,
"Well, if it was bad,
why didn't you leave and get out?"
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, that's the main question we always ask people
in domestic violence situations.
And I keep telling people,
the fact that we're still asking that question
makes me realize just how much work there is to do
and how severely misunderstood this issue is
and the psychology behind it
and how calculated people like him are
and how well-versed they are in this type of manipulation.
(bright music)
♪ Oh, oh ♪