-What's the best way to discipline an oppositional defiant teenager?
Teens throw some really interesting challenges toward parents. By the end of this video,
you'll have some specific strategies that you can apply immediately. Let's start here. Your teen is
not your kid. -I've had people say to me. Well, my kid would never do that. And I think yeah,
you know your seven-year-old kid probably wouldn't ever do that. But you're 12 or 13-year-old kid
did do that. Because they're a teen now. The way that they've viewed the world, the way they view
themself, trying to become independent and kind of breaking away from you has caused them to become a
very different person. And isn't that great news? -So, it's not your kid. It is however your teen.
-Yes. -And they are different animals. -It is a very different thing. Yeah. -And there's a lot of
reasons for that, we could get into some of the development behind that. But I think it's mostly
important to just understand we've got a different dynamic now. There are different developmental
tasks that they're going through. Although, it's interesting. Have you noticed this Vicki where
this the same tasks that they go through at about age two? They repeat it about age 12 or
13. Things like I want to do it myself. -Do it my own way. Let me do it. -But they know that
they aren't quite ready to do everything on their own. So, they're still dependent on the parent.
And that can be a really awkward stage for a lot of kids as they're transitioning into the
teens. So, let's keep that in mind and keep some empathy and understanding. -And I think maybe
some curiosity and wonderment. So, who is this new kid, right? -Right. -Be willing to just be curious
and watch and recognize that it's a development. So, maybe the anger that's frequent to come out,
or the selfishness. That does not mean that that's where they're going to land, but they're
going through that kind of development and just be curious as they're going through it. -That's
a really great point. They are going through a lot themselves. There's also some grief that happens.
Because this is not your kid. In fact, you don't have that kid anymore.
-And you might kind of miss the little snuggles that you used to get, or you know,
the kind you know when they say Mommy I love you, or Mommy you're my best friend,
and right now they're like I hate you. You ruin my life, right? -Right. Which they don't
actually mean. It's usually just a reaction to some of the stressors that they're going through.
While we're on the topic of development, I think we need to understand that it's about stage not
age. -And we've said this so many times. So, if you're ever confused, always just go back and
look up that in our videos. You can get a really quick cheat sheet. Go ahead and download your
own copy. Because this is really helpful. We're going to just briefly go through it right now.
Stage one is the child is not cooperating. They're concerned about getting what they want. When
they want it at the very moment. And not really thinking about other people's part in the world,
or what their concerns or feelings might be. -If the title caught your attention. Oppositional and
defiant behavior is stage one. -That is very immature because you're just self-focused and
not willing to cooperate. -Now, stage two is where they are cooperating with you. In fact, that's the
dividing line between stage one and two. -And don't get cooperation confused with a great
attitude. You can cooperate with a good attitude, and you can still cooperate with kind of a crummy.
-Good point. -Difficult attitude. Because that's what we're going to find a lot of times with our
teenagers, is that they get that if they cooperate things are better for them. But they're not going
to enjoy it and they're going to make sure you don't enjoy it while they do it. -But
that cooperation that's the key. -It is the key. -And then in stage three, it's all about personal
responsibility. Taking initiative. Doing the right things for the right reasons. -Right. -And rarely
do we have parents contacting us complaining about stage three. Because the kids are basically taking
care of business. -Although, I will say that if you are insisting on thinking of your child as a
kid and they've gone to a teenage. This isn't the defiant childhood. I will say that I've seen some
parents who are struggling to let their child who has shown that they are mature enough and
are taking an initiative and they're cooperating. They resist letting them make their own choices
and include taking responsibility for some of their own mistakes. And so, it is still something
to consider. But that's probably not what we're talking about with a defiant child at this point.
-There can be frustration on either side. On the parent side, or on the teenager's side,
if there's a mismatch between the control and the maturity. And that's why those stages are
so important to understand. Again, just go to the URL on the screen drpauljenkins.com/stages,
we'll put that in your hands so that you can have access to that most important model. Let's
get some practical strategies on board. Because like we acknowledged earlier, it can be enormously
frustrating to you as a parent if you're teenagers being oppositional and defiant. So,
strategy number one, keep calm. -Yeah. And do whatever it takes for you to figure out how to
bring your own affect into a calm way. Because have you noticed that your teenagers are really
good at drawing you into drama? -Yeah. -They're really good at it. They say just the right thing
that just is going to get you or fired up, get you fired up. So, you want to be able
to learn how to be calm. -I've learned through almost three decades now of clinical experience
that whoever is the most upset has the problem. And so, if it's you. We'll do the math, okay? So,
we want to calm down. A smiling parent usually equals a thinking teenager.
And if you keep that in mind, do what you need to to take care of you. It might mean that you
do a little breathing. One thing will help with this too is to push the pause button in
your own mind if you need to. -I was going to say a lot of the times our teenagers approach us in a
way that is so urgent. -Right -Everything is so urgent. Now, it may very well be important. And
even when you find out some things that maybe are going on in their life and have been going on for
a couple months and you just become aware of it, and it feels super urgent. But it's really more
important than urgent, and I think that urgency that the being drawn into this acting, it really
urgently takes from our calm. And so, if you can kind of get that in your mind it's like just ask
yourself. You know, can I balance the urgency and the importance of this? Take deep breath.
-A few phrases that you can run through your head in addition to some breathing. You can say I've
got this, or you can say I'll figure this out. Because everything's figure outable. Come back to
the channel, type in whatever problem it is you're having. And I bet you're gonna find something
because we have a lot of videos to support you here. One of the reasons why it's so important to
stay calm is because you need to do some thinking. -Right. -And that will lead us right into the next
strategy. Give two choices. This is strategy number two. Give two choices. -One of which
you control? -Yes. -And that's your default choice. Now, what would that mean for a teenager?
Vicki, you said that one of these you control. Meaning, you control the consequences around this
particular choice. Before we get into an example about that. Think versus fight. Every interaction
we have with our kids is going to invite them to do one or the other. -And I think it's especially
true of a defiant teenager. -And it's true of the parents too. Because you're either going to be
thinking or fighting. And if you're all coming in hot probably you're going to invite your teen to
fight with you instead of to think. We want you to do the thinking first, okay? I know it's not fair.
But as a parent, you get to take responsibility for this. You do the thinking first and come up
with two choices. One of which does not require cooperation. -You know, one of the hot topics a
lot of times is cell phone use. And that's one of the places that comes there's a lot of issues for
parents in their teens. And you know if you have a very strict rule. Maybe about phone's off at
10 o'clock, and your child is breaking that rule over and over. Just recognize, you could say you
can either turn off your phone and put it on the charger. Maybe the charger's in the family room
or in your bedroom or whatever. You can do that or I will cut all Wi-Fi and service at certain hours.
You know, and then so that one is the one you control. And if they say that's stupid,
I'm not going to turn it off at 10. You say fine, I'll take care of it. That's how you
are in charge of one of the outcomes and that becomes your default if they do not choose the
one where they get to be in charge. And you know what they're mine? Well, this is the kid,
not the defiant kid. I just say I'm a responsible kid. I might say yeah Mom, go ahead and turn it
off at 10 because I can't seem to control it. But that's not the thing. -Actually,
I've interacted with teenagers who do not trust themselves to keep that limit. And that's what
they choose. -Right. -They say well, you better take it from me then because I can't do that.
Okay. When you're more mature, we can have this conversation again. I like the way that you set
that up Vicki because the choices are. Look, you can do this, or you can do that. And that
is usually, or I'll take care of it. It's like the two choices are always you cooperate and help
solve this problem or not. -Right. -And when you think about it that way, it makes more sense what
those choices could be. Because the alternative is something that I control 100 percent. I don't
need your input on that. And it's an available option. You know one of the things I like about
strategy too Vicki is that it helps us to do strategy one. To be more calm. -That's true.
-Because if you've got an alternative that doesn't require their cooperation,
you don't have to get all hot and bothered and upset about everything. You can remain calm,
and then that allows you to do number three. So, strategy number three is to be kind and firm.
-Not kind of firm, right? -Yeah, exactly. Because sometimes we waffle on our ability to enforce that
second choice. -You know, I think one of the things that's really hard about teenagers is
they're kind of mini adults, right? And you get this really exciting thought about. -Baby adults.
-Yeah. This idea about being their friend. And you know, I think that sometimes we need to set that
goal as a secondary goal. Especially during some of these times that we are firm. We're very kind
and we're very firm and we're willing to stand. And weather the storm that putting
some of those limits and those choices, and then that they're going to come. Just be aware,
accept them. And just stay kind and stay firm. -What if your goal were to be friendly
instead of being their friend? -Yeah. that's the kind part. -Be kind and firm. -What a great lesson
for them to learn as a teenager that you can step forward in a kind way in a rough situation. We're
not getting that modeled for us in the world right now. -Right. -That you can handle disagreements or
discontent in a kind and firm way. Staying firm to your beliefs while being kind.
That's not being modeled. So, what a great idea to have that modeled at home from you. -This is
the best place for them to learn it. And as you transition from the teenage years into the adult
years. You don't have as much control, and your parenting responsibilities shift. We've got other
videos about all of that. But let's postpone that need to be liked or to be their friend
until maybe a little later on. Be friendly. Be kind, and be firm. You're still the parent.
Hey, thanks for jumping in on this particular video. If you're ready to get serious about
your parenting, we have a playlist right here on the channel. The parenting power-up video series,
we've got you covered on all things parenting. Cue that up and go see some of those videos next.