I'll do some impressions for you guys. Cleanse the palette.
Everyone likes impressions, you know? Okay.
This first impression...
is of Napoleon Bonaparte posing for his goofy portrait.
Okay, you've seen Napoleon in like a serious portrait
in history textbooks and museums.
Here's Napoleon posing for his goofy portrait.
- [audience laughing and applause]
- Okay, this next impression...
is of an extremely unprofessional doctor...
giving his patient the diagnosis.
So extremely unprofessional doc telling his patient what's up.
Here we go.
You sick fuck.
- [audience laughing]
- This next impression is of Jesus Christ...
at a wine bar.
"Uh, I'll just have a water."
- [audience laughing]
- You see a lot of pictures of babies online.
Especially when you search for them.
- [audience laughing]
- My friends just had a baby boy.
They put a picture of him on Facebook.
He's wearing a onesie. Cute little number.
Said, "Ladies, I have arrived."
I was like, "Okay, cool, this baby likes to fuck."
- [audience laughing]
- "That's a cool baby, yeah."
Take that baby out to the club.
That baby was born, he was like,
"Doc, whatever I came out of, I wanna get right back into.
You know what I mean?"
- [audience laughing]
- I like to do drugs, because they make me feel good.
One thing I like to do when I'm really bored
is I like to get really high.
And then I like to go to that Google maps.
And I go to the street view.
And I just drive.
- [audience laughing]
- [audience applause]
- See what's out there in that great big world of ours,
you know?
Put a little desk fan there, feel the wind in my hair.
- [audience laughing]
- Really live, you know?
I do smoke weed, but I don't wake and bake.
I woke and coke.
- [audience laughing]
- Really gets the 8Ball rolling, you know?
- [audience laughing]
- Do you guys know this? Back in the day,
they actually used to put cocaine in Coca-Cola?
Did you know you still can?
- [audience laughing]
- [audience applause]
- It's what you call a Coca-Cola Classic.
- [audience laughing]
- I like to have sex, because it makes me feel good.
I don't know if anyone here has ever had sex or cummed before,
but it's great.
- [audience laughing]
- Done most of the drugs, and cumming still.
It comes out on top.
- [audience laughing]
- A lot of times when it comes to sex,
you'll hear about a woman faking an orgasm.
Um, I've never experienced those.
- [audience laughing]
- But you never hear about a man faking his orgasm.
So, I'm just hear to say, no shame.
I'll admit it in front of all you fine folks tonight.
I have definitely faked an orgasm.
I was alone.
- [audience laughing]
- I was jerking off, I just wanted it to be over with,
you know what I mean? - [audience laughing]
- "Get out of my apartment, buddy, I got shit to do."
Ladies, you know what I'm talking about.
- [audience applause]
- Fellas--here's a head's up for the fellas.
For men, 80% of our sexual nerve endings
are actually in our butt.
Yeah.
Which just begs the question:
how do I get my butt inside a woman's vagina?
- [audience laughing]
- [audience applause]
- I don't know if you know this, but as you get older,
the taste buds on your tongue, they actually change with time.
Which I guess explains why now, as an adult,
I love eating that ass.
- [audience laughing]
- I hated it as a kid.
- [audience laughing]
- My mom was always like, "Two more bites."
- [audience laughing]
- "Ooh, he's a dirty boy."