Oh my God, “Which of the following items is not essential for an Indian picnic:
chutney, fresh fruit, styrofoam plates, or a warm two liter bottle of soda?”
It’s fresh fruit, that’s not essential.
You need a warm RC Cola, two liter, you call it.
“If you were running for president, what would your political slogan be?”
I don’t know.
Do you have a fav— This is from Romia.
What do you— what’s your favorite?
Political slogan.
There was never a candidate that you really— that you’re like, “That’s a good one.”
They’re all kinda bad, aren’t they?
They’re too, like, generic.
I mean they’re catchy, they’re just like,
platitudes, right?
Like, uh,
what was Obama’s in ‘08? “Yes we can?”
Was it “Yes we can” or “Hope?”
It was both?
What was the official—
We don’t even— I don’t even know.
Clinton 2016 was “Stronger together.”
Which you’re like, “Alright.”
“Sure.”
I think the saddest one was Jeb.
Remember Jeb in 2016?
It was just “Jeb!” exclamation point.
They were like “Give it the— give it the,” — He was like, “Give it energy… Jeb!”
That’s how you know he like, he was just like, “Come on, like really? Give it two exclamations.”
They’re like, “We’ll just give it one.”
It really should have been like, “Jeb?”
Question like, “Jeb?”
Or like, “Jeb…?” dot dot dot question mark.
I think what you have to have in a slogan is something that’s like, specific
that everyone can agree on
that you can always bring back into like, any debate.
’Cause I’m gonna be out of my league on a lot of issues.
So like, my campaign slogan would be like,
“Hasan Minhaj 2020:
Stop telling me to wear sunscreen.”
You know what I mean, and like everyone’s like, “Yeah fuck that! Yeah, I hate that!”
So we’ll be talking about like, energy or climate and I’ll be like,
“I don’t know what any of that stuff was,
but we need to stop telling each other to wear sunscreen.”
It’s like,
“Hasan Minhaj 2024:
Paper straws are fucking gross.”
Right, and everyone’s like, “Yes!”
You see, like, your visceral reaction, you were like, “Ah, gross!”
And everyone’s like, “Let’s go!”
“Let’s go!”
Bipartisan support!
“What are your thoughts on Sean Spicer being cast on Dancing With the Stars?”
This is from Lauren?
Yeah, what do you think?
Okay, I think that’s everyone’s—
I think that’s— yeah, yeah.
How and why? Okay.
Are you upset?
Okay.
Confused—
it just doesn’t make sense.
So, you guys, for those of you guys who don’t know—
so, Sean Spicer, former press secretary,
Spicer resigned in 2017,
now he’s on Dancing with the Stars.
And some people are like, upset.
I think the thing that we’re all negotiating and we’re trying to adjudicate is,
what is the perfect amount of time, you know, before someone comes back?
When do we, like, officially forgive them?
It’s different for everybody, right?
Remember what it was for George W.?
When he gave candy to Michelle Obama at his dad’s funeral.
We were like— The moment that Laffy Taffy hit her palm, we were like, “He’s alright.”
He had to become an artist and he had to give Michelle Obama candy and we’re like,
“Iraq never happened.”
Isn’t that weird?
He’s on Dancing with the— It’s not like he’s gonna do well on it.
That would be— That would be the injustice.
It’s like, “This guy’s on Dancing with the Stars,”
and then he goes all the way and wins it.
That’s wrong!
You know it’ll be bad news for me when you guys see me on Dancing with the Stars.
That’s when you know I’ll be like— it’ll just be like, “Hey, I’m Hasan Minhaj, diapers are expensive.”
“What rapper would you tell your grandkids about?”
Lil Yachty.
Chef Boyardee, duh.
Soulja Boy, I’d tell them about Soulja Boy.
He’s an innovator.
He had a song called “Kiss Me Thru the Phone” in 2008, and FaceTime came out in 2010.
Can we not just give him props for what he talked about?
You guys do the math.
What rapper would you— What rapper would you tell your kids about?
Drake? Okay.
You’d be like, “You gotta listen to this guy.”
And your kids will be like, “The— The dude from Degrassi?”
And you’re like, “Trust me. He was on Degrassi, he was in a wheelchair,
but then he started rapping.”
They’re like, “He was in a wheelchair and then he started rapping?”
I know, it’s one of the prerequisites to being an Indian guy.
It’s like, do you like rap?
Do you try to be black?
Do you like Drake? Do you get a lineup? Do—
Dude, I’m a— I’m part of the problem, too.
“If you’re a 50-year-old Indian dad rocking Air Jordans,
are you technically considered an uncle?”
This is from Anjali.
How old do you think I am?
Wait, is Anjali here?
How old do you think I am?
No, I’m older than 30. I’m not 30.
I’m 33.
But now that I have a kid, am I an uncle?
I think I’m an uncle.
As soon as she was born and I was like, she came out, I’m like, “I’m an uncle.”
It’s like my pants turned into sweatpants.
“If you had to either parachute, bungee jump, or hang glide,
which would you choose and why?”
This is from Ben Smith.
First of all, I don’t know if that’s a real person.
Ben Smith?
That’s just a made up name. That’s not real.
Is Ben Smith here?
Ben, that’s not a real name.
“This is from John Doe.”
For real, or is it Benjamin or like?
Benjamin, okay.
Why is this the scenario?
You’re like, “In ten minutes when you go outside, you’re gonna be chased,
Mission Impossible style.
Now do you bungee jump?”
“If there could be anyone in this world that you could choose to be the U.S. president,
who would it be?”
This is from Janice.
Is Janice here?
Who would you choose?
My dad?! You would choose Najme?
For real?
Have you guys met?
What?
You understand what that—
what would happen?
Like the global implications?
He’s, like, throwing sandals at other world leaders.
He puts Kajol on the five dollar bill, he’s like—
Everyone will be like, “Why does the five dollar bill have a unibrow on it?”
He’s like, “No she’s really…”
I love her unibrow, shut up you guys.
Love that shit.
She did Anthony Davis before Anthony Davis.
Respect that, bro.
You know what I would definitely do?
I would definitely try to get a job.
I’d be like, “Dad, come on, you gotta— you gotta hook it up.”
And I know what he would do, he would just, like, make me in charge of like, Estonia.
I’m like, “What?!”
And then my younger sister would be like, cabinet member.
It’d be a Banana Republic really fast.
He’d change the address from 1600 Penn to Hasan Got a 1310 On the SAT.
1310 Penn, what?