welcome and most importantly
congratulations congratulations everyone
who's nominated tonight thank you for
letting me be a part of this I'm excited
I've never been to the Oscars before
this is my first time here and the way
you people go through a host is probably
my last time here so I'm gonna enjoy
this while I'm here this broadcast is
being watched live by millions of
Americans and around the world in more
than 225 countries that now hate us and
I think that is an amazing thing as you
know I don't have to tell anybody the
country is divided right now I've been
getting a lot of advice people have been
telling me it's time to bring everyone
together you need to say something to
unite us and let's just get something
straight off the top I'm not I can't do
that that's not there's only one brave
heart in this room and he's not going to
unite us either okay
well you look great I think the
Scientology is working I really do
I'm not the man to unite this country
but it can be done we you know if every
person watching this show I don't want
to get too serious but there are
millions and millions of people watching
right now and if every one of you took a
minute to reach out to one person you
disagree with someone you like and have
a positive considerate conversation as
liberals or conservatives as Americans
if we would all do that we could make
America great again we really could it
starts with us and tonight in the spirit
of healing and bringing people together
I would like to bury the hatchet with
someone I've had issues with Matt Damon
now Matt I've known Matt for a long time
now you know what I know Matt so long
when I first met Matt I was the fat one
true and we've had problems he's a
selfish person those of you worked with
him know this but Matt did something
very unselfish and I want to commend him
for it I for real Matt as you probably
know could have starred in Manchester by
the sea he was the producer it's
nominated for six Oscars including lead
actor and he could have taken that lead
actor part for himself but he didn't he
gave that role to Casey Affleck his
childhood friend he handed Wood turned
out to be an Oscar caliber roll over to
his friend and made a Chinese ponytail
movie instead
[Applause]
and that movie the Great Wall went on to
lose eighty million dollars smooth move
amass see it's so easy to reach out in
the heel we and I want to say maybe this
is not a popular thing to say but I want
to say thank you to President Trump I
mean remember last year when it seemed
like the Oscars were racist
it has been an amazing year for movies
black people save NASA and white people
save jazz that's what we call progress a
little movie years ago named la-la-land
ties the all-time Oscar record record it
was directed by Damien Chazelle 14
nominations 14 nominations one for every
year Damien has been alive tonight is
very important for Damien if he wins
we'll be able to go to any college he
wants so he wished you the best the
movie business is changing the first
time ever Amazon is represented at the
Academy Awards Amazon is the first
streaming service nominated for Best
Picture Jeff Bezos is the founder and
CEO and I want to say congratulations to
Jeff you know and I also want you know
Jeffy if you win tonight you could
expect your Oscar to arrive in two to
five business days possibly stolen by a
GrubHub delivery man Amazon produced
Manchester by the sea that was a fun
movie wasn't it you know if you search
for Emma's Manchester by the sea on
Amazon it says customers who bought this
item also purchased Zoloft
I know what's going on but there are a
lot of sad movies this year of all the
nominees the only happy ending of all
and omni's was the one in the middle of
moonlight
you didn't watch it did you oh we loved
it so much the incredible Denzel
Washington is nominated for fences a
movie he also directed I don't know
where you've probably heard this story
but of how it came together apparently
Denzel had always wanted to work with
Denzel and just so happened that their
schedules worked out and the rest is
Oscar history congratulations to you my
friend we have friends and colleagues
visiting from all around the world
tonight the great actress from France
Isabel who pair is here with us Isabel
as you know is nominated for a
performance in the movie Elle and on
behalf of everyone here I would like to
say we didn't see Elle but we absolutely
loved it you were amazing in that film
and I'm glad Homeland Security let you
in tonight I really am
we are very welcoming to outsiders here
in Hollywood we don't discriminate
against people because based on what
countries they they come from we we
discriminate against them based on their
age and Wayne Andrew Garfield lost 40
pounds where is Andrew and you can
barely even see him he got so thin there
he is he lost 40 pounds for his role in
the movie silence it was an astonishing
physical transformation that hasn't been
attempted since every actress in every
role ever Viggo Mortensen whose terrific
is nominated for Best Actor for his
performance
in the movie captain fantastic and it is
so well deserved too often the Academy
only recognizes movies that people have
seen and I just think it's wonderful we
are here tonight to honor great actors
but we're also here to honor the actors
who seem great but actually really
aren't and of all the great actors here
in Hollywood one in particular has stood
the test of time for her many
uninspiring and overrated performances
I say from from her mediocre early work
in The Deer Hunter and Out of Africa to
her underwhelming performances in Kramer
vs Kramer and Sophie's Choice Meryl
Streep has phoned it in for more than 50
films over the course of her lackluster
career this is Merrill's 20th Oscar
nomination even more made even more
amazing considering the fact that she
wasn't even in a movie this year we just
wrote her name down out of habit Meryl
stand up if you would everybody please
join me in giving Meryl Streep a totally
undeserved round of applause
sweet everyone
we're gonna have fun tonight I hope
we're gonna have fun tonight
nice dress by the way is that an Ivanka
this is exciting I think it's important
that we all know we've all seen it all
but it's important that we take a second
to appreciate what is happening here
we're at the Oscars the Academy Awards
you're nominated you got to come your
families are nominated your friends some
of the people get to come up here on
this stage night and give a speech that
the President of the United States will
tweet about in in all caps during his 5
a.m. bowel movement tomorrow and I think
that's pretty darn excellent if you ask
me so let's get going it's time for our
first category of the night supporting
actors it's what most actors parents are
still doing supporting actors do you
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